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Always worried about what red flags I have and how much I need to be better with everything
I guess I’m quite frustrated with myself, even though I have been trying to be better in so many ways. I feel like that’s the problem too, I’m always constantly trying so hard to be better, I’m monitoring my self every moment wondering if something I said or did is a red flag, if it’s emotionally healthy and many other aspects. Because I want to be my best self, when I’m my best self I can also better be there for others and they can feel supported and cared about. Maybe it’s because I’m often thinking about the next thing even though I try to be more mindful (present in the moment) at times. There are so many things to talk about, so many things I need to do and accomplish in my life, so many areas I feel I’m lacking especially being 22 years old. I want to be there for my friends and family and relationships, I want them to feel loved and seen, I want to also be asked for advice, I want to feel like I’m admired like the way I admire others or even get jealous sometimes. I like journaling but I also hate that I tend to write so many ‘I’ , like I just don’t want to be self-absorbed if that’s what I am partly, I like helping others. I like not feeling like I’m making so many mistakes or not living up to where I maybe should be. I wish people could see how hard I’m trying, or what if I’m not trying enough. It’s all in my head. It’s crazy thinking so many of us are going through so much, I worry about trying to know who are the right friends or people to open up to, without it being too much.
Comments
Hi Friend,
I completely feel you on this. As a fellow 22 year old, it gets really daunting to think we are finally in our adult years and have to do things. I defiently see how hard you are trying, and you seem to be doing very well!!
I also understand the feeling similar to walking on eggshells so the world can percieve my best self. However, it gets so tiring. I have started to flesh out my genuine self, and letting others know what that looks like and who that really is. They accept me for me, and i am sure those around you will do the same. You seem like such a genuine and caring person, and the fact that you hold so much love for those around you truly speaks to your beautiful soul. In saying that, you are allowed to be 'self absorbed'. You are allowed to care for yourself while also keeping those around you in mind. Your journal should be an expression of you!! I think its really healthy!!
Setting and reaching goals, and then not knowing what to do is very relatable for people at our age. Whether you have completed university and are unsure of the next steps, or finally got a decent job, it is hard to then think about... "what now?". I am in the same boat, i have recently finished my degree and am challenged with the task of what a graduate 22 year old should be doing. Big picture goal setting just gets me stressed out, and the factors i have to consider with that. I have started setting smaller goals such as drawing a picture a day, which doesnt have a clear end, but helps me to feel like i am progressing. For a goal oriented person, or someone looking for direction, this might help! For me, it also helps me to flesh out who i truly am, and what i truly want to do. Taking that time for yourself is so so so important.
You will find what is truly important to you, and you will find people who accept your true self. Hiding my self away and avoiding certain things because they were "red flags" made me feel so drained and i lost my sense of self. Now that i have built this up, i can be my true self, and the people around me accept this. I believe you can do it to, and it will help you feel better in the long run.
That said, Thank you for expressing something i am sure so many individuals are currently experiencing.
You got this, All the best ❤️
Hey @TankRadical
Thank you for sharing what you've been going through, it sounds like you're carrying a lot emotionally, and I hope it was helpful for you to get some things off your chest.
From the sounds of it, you seem to be an incredibly caring, compassionate person who is on a continuing journey of self-improvement. It's so admirable that you want to be a better person for all the people around you, and I want to remind you that even just wanting to do better is something to be extremely proud of.
I found myself in a very similar situation a little while ago, always planning the next goal that I wanted to achieve or figuring out how to be more productive, or more accomplished, or just better. I never stopped to be proud of myself or enjoy the world around me. Once I took a step back and tried to feel gratitude for what I did have, I found that this insatiable need to be better slowly subsided, and I could choose to just focus on a couple of things at a time. It helped me feel less overwhelmed. Of course, this might not work for everyone, but might be something to consider.
All the best with everything, and we're always here if you'd like to chat more! 💛
I hear you, and I really want to acknowledge how much you’re carrying. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of heavy lifting emotionally—always trying to be better, constantly questioning yourself, wondering if you’re doing enough, or if you’re doing things right. It’s really understandable to feel this way, especially at 22, where there’s a lot of pressure to have everything figured out, to be the perfect friend, family member, partner, and person. But I really want to remind you that it’s okay to not have it all together, and it’s okay to have moments where you feel like you’re not measuring up, even when you’re trying your hardest. You're human, and sometimes being human means feeling like you're never doing enough. But that doesn't mean you're not doing enough.
The fact that you're actively thinking about how to show up for the people you care about speaks volumes about how much love and care you have to offer. Wanting to be your best self is beautiful, but it can also be exhausting. And constantly monitoring your own behavior, looking out for red flags, can create this unending loop of self-doubt and anxiety. You mentioned you're always trying to be more mindful, but it can be hard to stay present when you're always five steps ahead, analysing every action or word. It's like trying to run a race and check if you're in the right lane at the same time. It's okay to give yourself space to be imperfect. It doesn’t mean you're not trying, and it doesn’t mean you're not enough.
You mentioned feeling like you're “self-absorbed” when journaling, but honestly, I think you might be a little too hard on yourself about that. Writing about yourself in your journal isn’t inherently selfish—it’s a way for you to process your thoughts and feelings. It’s how you make sense of everything going on inside. And honestly, being self-reflective in the way you're describing is such a sign of self-awareness and growth. You want to help others, and that’s wonderful, but it’s just as important to care for yourself. If you’re not checking in with you, you’ll eventually feel drained—and that’s something no one wants.
About your friends and relationships, it sounds like you're in this space where you care so much about being there for them, but you're unsure if you're enough for them, or if they’ll see how hard you're trying. Trust that those who truly value you will see your efforts, even if they can’t always express it in the exact way you want them to. It’s okay to want to be admired, to want validation for all the good things you bring to the table—it doesn't make you selfish. You're human.
As for opening up to others, I completely get the worry of feeling like you're being “too much” or that it might overwhelm someone. But the right people—the ones who truly care about you—will want to be there for you, just like you want to be there for them. It’s all about finding a balance, and sometimes it takes time to figure out who those people are. But don’t ever feel like you’re asking for too much, because your emotions and experiences matter just as much as anyone else’s.
It’s totally okay to not have all the answers, to feel uncertain, or to not feel "perfect." What you're doing—trying to improve, trying to be mindful, trying to care—is enough. And even on the days when it feels like you’re too much or not enough, I want you to remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and care. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved or to be enough.
I hope you can give yourself a little grace. You’re already doing so much, and it’s more than enough. You are enough, just as you are. 😊
Hi @TankRadical
It's great that you've been on this journey of self-improvement. I'm wondering if it's maybe beginning to become a little bit maladaptive with the constant monitoring and the feelings of frustration it's causing as a result? I think, as Rara said, red flags can be subjective to each person. It could be challenging to decide what's a red flag and what's not for each individual person / interaction, making it harder to determine if you're on the right track.
I admire the intentions you've stated with this post, such as wanting those you care about to be loved and seen and wanting to be admired and be the person others ask for advice. I hear that you've been journalling and writing down a lot of "I" statements, but that you don't want to be 'self-absorbed.' I think "I" statements are a great source of self-reflection. I've found that the people who self-reflect the most are often the most mindful people. Maybe you're on the right track with the "I" statements? "I" does not necessarily equal self-absorption, particularly in private journalling.
Remember to be kind to yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself. Self-improvement is a great adventure, and not necessarily a linear one. There might be set-backs of moments of doubt. I think it's important to push forward and look after yourself when doing so. 💜
What you are feeling is so relatable!! I understand how hard it is to constantly be thinking about your actions/thoughts because of how worried you feel with how that may reflect on others.
you mentioned that you worry about who to open up to, so i just want to say thank you for opening up to us. It can be a very difficult thing to do!
Like what @Rara said, to what to improve is such an amazing thing and it is definitely a goal that I have as well. What I like to try to remind myself is that I am young and this is my first time living to. I will make mistakes and all I can do is learn and grow from them. This is easier said than done but the more I reminded myself, the more grace I could give myself for when i 'mess' up. Is this something that would work for you?
I think this would be a really good conversation as well to have with your friends - I am sure they are seeing the effort you are putting into yourself. They may be able to give you some reassurance that may help to ease the worry you are feeling about this.
I understand how hard it is to not want to make many mistakes or to make sure you are living up to your full potential, it is something that is on my mind as well. And again, a reminder I like to try to give myself often is that we are only young and improving ourself is something that will just take time.
I think journaling is a very good idea, I have found that it helps me to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that can help me understand them better. I think journaling is a very personal thing and using 'i' isn't a red flag - it is your journal and you are allowed to talk about yourself in it. A suggestion I have is maybe instead of writing 'i', could writing in third person or even writing a made up name make you feel better?
I hope you are feeling better today but just remember that this is a journey, and we are here for you.
Hi @TankRadical
Everything you have written I have felt before and I know so many other people do, my friends and I discuss this all the time.
To want to improve constantly is amazing, and it shows you are willing to grow and learn and be better. I think I try to remember though, that you are your best self at that moment, that's what I try to do. Take a breath even when you are trying to be better and remind yourself, how I feel at the moment is my best self, so you aren't too hard on yourself and trying to push yourself to achieve so much.
If you haven't already, discuss this with your friends. They might be feeling the same way and it can be a great way to learn to support each other and know you aren't alone in this. It can spark conversations and find new opportunities but also feel like you don't have to constantly prove yourself, especially to the people you love. They will love you regardless.
I find that red flags are very subjective one person finds a red flag, and another doesn't. If you did something that someone sees as a red flag that is up to them and maybe you need to talk to them about it. I think it's great you want to improve yourself but try to remember all your good qualities, the ones that highlight who you are and remind yourself of them. Whether you write them down or place them on sticky notes in the mirror.
I think one of our biggest misconceptions is now social media, there are all these 20-something-year-olds who have achieved so much and you compare your life to theirs. This is something I have done but I like to remind myself I am still in my early 20's I don't need to have it figured out. Especially at 22, life in some way for us is only just beginning for a lot of those social media accounts, they have been working on since they were teens and sometimes they need to highlight what it is in their life for content. Something my niece and nephew have said to me is I am still in my teens (they are 7 and 9) and I am not an adult until after I turn 25, it actually kind of helped. Yes technically I am an adult and yes 25 shouldn't be the age I have it all worked out but it was that reminder that my life doesn't have to be together and all this pressure we experience shouldn't be so hard. We travel life at our own pace and grow at our own pace.
I hope some of this helps, but remember you are not alone.
Hey @TankRadical
I have felt so so many of things you are describing and I know lots of people who feel them too - you are not alone. Sometimes all of these external and internal pressures can feel like so much and it ends up being a bit of a spiral.
I think your drive and desire to constantly improve yourself shows someone who is incredibly driven, compassionate and sensitive to the people around them. That amazing trait will always be noticed by people around you - even if they don't say anything.
For myself personally - I have found this constant need to improve and be my best self to be one of my best qualities - but also something that can be really challenging for me. It has led me to be quite harsh on myself and to strive too hard for perfectionism and other unachieveable things - causing me to feel bad about myself.
A few things that have helped me:
1. Remembering that I can't have everything all at once. We have a whole lifetime to have incredible experiences and to achieve things. There is no point rushing to do them all at once - there are only so many hours in a day!!
2. The people who love you, don't need you to constantly prove yourself. Think about the people you care about - do you still love them as much when they make mistakes in life? - of course!!
As for what you have said about feeling self-absorbed. Remember that someone who is really self-absorbed would not be worrying about being self-absorbed. The fact that you worry about it really just shows the opposite - how thoughtful and self-aware you are.
Anyways, I think you're doing a great job. Just being a person is a lot!! Give yourself the credit you deserve. Don't hesitate to seek out support if you need. 💜
Hey @TankRadical
Firstly, I want to point out that it is absolutely okay to be imperfect or have some red flags. I think a lot of how we work is by comparing ourselves to others are worrying about what they might think of us. Thats completely natural, but it also means that sometimes we can compare every part of ourselves and set high expectations which could be difficult to achieve. It's great that you can recognise that you try hard to better yourself and improve you wellbeing, but be cautious of when this can take a turn into worrying about how you need to improve constantly. You do not have to always be improving. It is absolutely okay for you to be yourself.
Secondly, I have also felt pretty similar to you, especially when its receiving support from friends and family. Personally, my family isn't very vocal with their support but rather it shows through their actions. We can never know exactly what other people are thinking or their perception of us so its hard on us to make judgements based on this. We don't know if they see how hard we're working and look up to us or not. It's taken me so long to come to that realisation and stop thinking about what others think but I feel that it's helped me and my mental health in the long run.
Thirdly, you are only 22 years old. You are allowed to make mistakes and not have done everything that you want to do yet. Go at life at your own pace and accomplish things when they feel like the right time for you. You are allowed to have flaws and not be perfect at everything!
Hope this helps 💕
Hi @TankRadical
Thank you so much for using the Reach Out Forums.
Wanted to start off by acknowledging how hard things must be for you right now. It can be so easy to compare and feel jealous and feel like we should be constantly improving yourself. Please know that you are enough, and that there isn’t a set path or checkpoints, that I am proud of you and hope you can be proud of yourself!
I can hear how willing you are to self-reflect and better yourself, which is a real strength and truly admirable but please know that you are not a project to be fixed, you are a human with human thoughts and feelings.
You also seem like a wonderful friend and family member to be so caring, and those in your life are lucky to have you.
If you need support, there is Reach Out Peer Chat, Kidshelpline (up to 25 years old) and eHeadspace (also available for individuals up to 25).
Thank you for reaching out and take care.
Kind regards,
Laubn22
Hello @TankRadical
Oh wow that sounds really tough and personally I agree that it can get really frustrating trying to sort out all your faults but don’t know if you are actually doing enough.
I’m 23 now and I feel like there are also certain things that I should have achieved by this age ( like being emotionally mature, a good internship or stable job awaiting me etc), but at the same time, I feel like everyone goes at that own pace and sometimes these goals take time and I feel like it’s good to just move forward without expecting too much while eyeing the price at the same time.
In regards to like red flags, I get ya as well, sometimes I also feel like maybe I’m not really at my best for people or that I don’t provide the best support and so, but I feel like that’s okay, sometimes improvement takes time as well and most importantly they are non-linear, which makes it harder to track.
Overall, it’s great to see you striving to improve yourself for your friends and family, and I feel like they would be very much appreciative of your efforts in the long term 😊