If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double

I am going through an ordeal and I feel that I may need some outside advice. Here is my story...

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 9 years now. We've never been married. And 6 years in we had a daughter (who is now almost 3).

The issue is that from the beginning I have know there was something wrong with him. He moved things really fast when we started dating. And he was too perfect. Once we moved in together we started a little online business and very quickly I found myself completely dependent on him.

Almost as soon as that happened Dr jacket and Mr Hyde came out. At first he was jealous of stupid things and I found myself cut off from friends. (FAMILY was easy for him to take care of because they live in FL and I live in AZ). I was 19 when we met at work and started dating. We only dated a few months before moving in. He is 10 years older. And divorced with 4 children he didn't ever see. I believed his family that it was thru no fault of his own. (I see now they are all extremely dysfunctional but hide it very very well). He appeared to be the victim.

I've read books like the road less traveled and the human magnet syndrome. Looking back now I can clearly see I am a codependent and he is either a narcissist or has some other personality disorder.

Needless to say the jealousy is not where it ended. We continued to literally work, live, eat, sleep, and have all our downtime together. I know that sounds crazy but it doesn't seem crazy when you're living it and it happens slowly over time. Now looking back I wonder how I put up with all the insanity of the situation.

Our first fight he was so verbally vicious I went in the bathroom and locked the door. I had never been treated like that. And he would walk by the bathroom and hit the door to scare me.

This kind of intimidation went on for years, escalating. And when I'd say enough, he'd threatened to leave and I'd panic and beg him to stay.

I have done a lot of soul searching since I first found out I was pregnant. I instinctively knew I couldn't raise my beautiful baby in this mess. Even if it appeared relatively safe and normal. We had money and comfort. But You can't buy a child love. (Which is what he does with our daughter. And I'm afraid I will lose her to him and his family. They make me look like the bad guy and take my authority away with her because I don't want her to be spoiled. I want her to learn self control)

Before I met him I was doing drugs dating drug addicts. I hate to say it but I'm your typical daddy girl issues person and I have spent a lot of years running from my past which isn't as bad, compared to what I've put myself through, as I thought it was. I'm bringing this up because a big part of me inaccurately feels like I owe him. Feels like he saved me... but he didnt. I've gotten mentally worse... and rationally I know the birth of my daughter and my own decisions to be be mentally and physically healthy is what has saved me. Anyway. There's my background. Continuing on...

This verbal abuse continued even when i was pregnant. Saying the baby wasnt his. On top of that He can't handle ANY kind of adversity and is prone to meltdowns. Eventually I had enough and my own anger issues finally boiled out and I started standing up to him which caused things to go physical.

He hut me She was a year old. I said it was the last straw but here I am still living in this nightmare.

I threatened to leave and I meant it that time. He's done more than physically and mentally hurt me. He used me. He took advantage of a lost little girl and used her for 9 years. Used up all the innocence she had left. Thats what i feel like.

He gets free labor for our business that is in my name. Before i had our daugjter i worked 12 hour days and got treated like i did nothing because the house work wasnt always done to his standards. I tried working outside the house. He made it hell. I tried going back to school he got jealous of my talking to my professors. So I quit.and the business... I own just enough to have a steak in it but not enough to not have to start all over if i leave. He bullied me for years into making bad financial decisions and got us in a lot of debt so if I leave I'll have to probably file bankruptcy. And I'll losee my income. Essentially tally the debt is in my name. And we're not married. And I don't live in a common law state.

The worst part is that since I said I'm leaving he started researching personality disorders and had an epiphany that he had one. He has changed a lot but he has soooooooooo far to go because it touches everything he does and how he thinks. The way he thinks is so off. He's trying to push me into romance. Constantly doing nice things. He's always been a decent dad but he's upped his game and they've gotten closer.

I am the one that seems like the jerk . I am moody and feel emotionally raw. I want to go home. I want I leave but I feel such over powering guilt and depression I can't act. My whole family is backing me and waiting for me to say the word so they can help me out with lawyers and moving etc. I just can't seem to do it.

I feel like a monster and I'm the one who was abused. I need to hear the sane thoughts of people not emotionally connected. I've talked to a therapist and family/friends and I hear the same on all sides... good for him if he's changing but you need to leave.

When I think about staying I feel like crawling in a hole but when I think about leaving I recoil in dread. Pure crushing dread. Because I don't want to hurt my daughter... or him... even after all this. However when he tries to kiss me I want to cringe. When I go to bed I feel like I'd rather go to bed with a crocodile. When I look at him I can't stand the sight. It's taken about 2 years but all the pain and anger has surfaces in my mind. And the battle between it and my guilt are tearing me apart inside. What if he is changing and my leaving wrecks that? What if I fail my daughter if I leave? How can I leave when I have let him believe I'm supporting his change?

Any words of wisdom would be welcome. Every little bit helps and makes me feel stronger. I'm just trying to find my courage. Thanks for reading.. sorry if I was a little all over the place.