- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Float this Topic for Current User
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Printer Friendly Page
TW: Depression, work and anything in between
Hi Everyone,
I just thought I might come here to say Hi and a few things that have happened over the past two weeks.
Firstly my depression, I'm not sure where I'm going with it. I feel stuck. I feel alone and sad most days, and I want to cry. I thought things might improve after being in the hospital, but I don't think they have. I wish there was something I could do to make things better. I'm trying so much to help myself, but nothing seems to be helping.
Secondly, work. Work has been awful since coming back. I had to work with a horrible colleague for five out of my past six shifts and didn't cope well at all. She was very passive aggresive and right out rude and mean to me. On Tuesday, when I was at work, I was asking her some questions, right, and you know what? She said, "My name just shut up. You're giving me a headache", so I did. All I did was ask a few questions as I'm still learning in my job. She has also said many other things over the past few shifts, which has been awful. I came home sobbing after each change, and then I was always so emotional the next day. I'm unsure if my depression was also a contributing factor because then I started to ruminate and spiral. Thank god I don't work again until next Wednesday.
I don't get why I go to school and get bullied there; management was terrible at my first job, and then my second set of two jobs last year where fantastic staff and colleagues were great. I don't know how much more I can take. I've sent a couple of emails to my team leader and the NUM, which is the Nurse Unit manager, if you didn't know. So hopefully, something I might come out of it.
Also, my aunt has been such a great support over the past nine months, maybe a little longer. She is going away for three weeks, so I'm not going to have as much support over the next few weeks, which is disappointing. I also had a chat with her and my uncle, I think, last week about how they will support me in the future as she will be working a lot more. She has just finished her uni course and will be doing an internship, two days of private practice and two days at her current job. So I will only be able to talk to her once every three weeks, which is a bit of a jump from when we talked every week.
The funny thing is, though, my uncle said we don't want you to feel abandoned. I was like yeah, I know all good. Deep down, I'm like, well, um, of course, I do. All this change so quickly is a lot. At least I still have my psychologists and my regular at Kids Helpline.
I'm also slightly worried about how I've been feeling the past week and a bit about my urge to SH. I haven't done it in two or three months, but things have been so stressful. I'm just not sure how to cope with it all. Also, my SI has increased a bit, so I'm just trying to monitor it over the next few days as I don't have work so I won't be as busy. When I am busy, I have less time to ruminate, but now with me not working until Wednesday, that is a lot of time to ruminate. I want to stay safe, which I am right now. Currently, I am just monitoring things, and I also have a check-in with my counsellor at KHL on Sunday. She said I could also call or web chat between our sessions if I feel like I am deteriorating or in a crisis.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post. So much seems to happen in such a short amount of time which is just great for me.
Hi @Rara
I guess I'm lazy and not doing much, so I feel like I'm just letting myself down.
I don't have a routine as I work shift work, so it's hard to have anything set in stone as to what I will do and when.
Thank you it was definitely a tough time for sure. That sucks not getting any feedback from the coordinator. That is true though one bad grade doesn't.
What are you studying? I'm studying a Bachelor of Health Science Majoring in Biomedicine and Nutrition.
Don't put yourself down, you're not lazy you are doing what you are capable of doing that day. I spent all day yesterday laying on the couch and then went to work for 3 hours, I didn't feel I could do anything else and be able to get through my shift. I did what I was capable of doing that day. It does not mean you are lazy. What would you expect your day to look like so you don't feel like you're letting yourself down?
I understand that I do shift work as well, I find what helps me is having a clear morning routine and bedtime routine. Everything else can change and be done on a different day if it needs to be.
Yes, one bad grade doesn't define who I am but neither do those people that bullied you, they don't get to define you, only you and your actions can. What are some moments whether now or in the past that you feel proud of?
That sounds like a challenging but fun course. Do you enjoy it?
Hi @Rara
I feel like that easy said than done.
I would have gone for a walk, cleaned my fridge, washed up, and maybe gone for a train ride.
What do you do for work?
Nicely said I feel they kind of do, but I'm working on it. Yes it's good I'm looking forward to next semester.
It definitely is easier said than done, I had to work on that for a long time and have people reassure me that it is okay and even now I still go back in that mindset. It took a lot of time and work to see it as something else.
You should be proud of what you have managed today even if you have not been able to complete those things. Doing less is sometimes more. How would you generally plan out your day?
I work in a supermarket, my shifts tend to vary from morning tonight and everything in between. That's why I find a morning routine and bedtime routine helps me, even if I only have 5 minutes to achieve it.
I am glad you are looking forward to the next semester. What part or classes of the semester are you looking forward to?
Hi @Rara
Yes, very much so. Maybe I might get there one day.
I suppose I have a bit of a plan for a few days, with when I'll cook, shop and clean. Though when I'm in a bad place, like right now that gets thrown out the window. I am pleased at least I know what I'm eating for the week at least.
Yes, it would change a bit.
Yes so I'm doing Nutrition in the lifecycle, health and disease across the life course, musculoskeletal anatomy and brain and behaviour, I feel that's going to be a bit ironic talking about mental health lol. I feel it will be a challenge but also good. I like them all right now, but when I start on the 31st that could be a different story.
Hi, @Red_Flamingo
I definitely think you will get there one day, I have lots of faith in you.
A bit of a plan is good but don't let it stress you out when things do go out the window. It happens and try focusing on what you did do today even if it's not everything you wanted to. Knowing what you are eating for the week is really important I am sure you know all about that. Do you meal prep? It might help take some things off your plate if you don't.
Wow that sounds challenging but hopefully its good.
Hi @Rara
Mmm, I hope so too.
I have leftover fish and veg from dinner last night. Then tomorrow, I'll make either chicken and fried rice or spinach and riccota pasta bake, depending on whether the chicken is defrosted. What about you do you need to cook dinner?
Yes very hard but good. If I want to go into Medicine or Dietetics, it needs to be, I guess.
What are you studying you don't have to say if you don't want to?
That sounds nice. Will you have enough left over from those meals so you don’t have to think about cooking for a couple days. I cook and meal prep where I can helps with the shift work and not having to think about what I am eating.
Is medicine and dietetics something you’re interested in?
I’m studying Human Resources and psychology
How you feeling today?
I'll cook both of them tomorrow as I forgot I start work at 12 on Wednesday and Thursday, so I won't have time in the morning.
Yes, I'm thinking about medicine, but it's a long shot. Once I finish my Bachelor, I'll apply for both. Medicine is way harder to get in. I need a really good GPA, GAMSAT score and interview. Compared to dietetics, I only need a GPA.
Oh yeah, is that a double degree?
Mmm, pretty awful. My mind keeps going to places it shouldn't. The intrusive thoughts are hard to stop. I'm feeling pretty sad and alone right now, so not much different than usual with some added things. My SI and SH thoughts are getting worse, but I'm trying my best to manage them. I sent off a safety plan to the counsellor I speak to at KHL, so at least I have that. I'm really feeling like I'm failing and just letting everyone down. Your probably sick of hearing about all this.
At least cooking a meal a head of time it can take your mind off having to think about cooking food and put your focus elsewhere.
You would never know if you don’t try and I believe you can do it. And your aspirations are inspiring
yes it’s a double degree
I am glad that you’ve sent off your safety plan to counsellor and you have the strength to reach out. I’m not sick of hearing this, I just wanna make sure you’re okay, you’re not a failure to me, you’ve sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate. I think you’re managing it really. What other things have you tried to help you or your counsellors have mentioned that have worked previously?
Hi there @Red_Flamingo ,
It sounds so difficult tonight. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like a complete mess. At the same time, I acknowledge your strength in being able to reach out to KHL.
Sitting with these thoughts alone can be so hard. I hope by now you have been able to speak to someone on KHL to make it more bearable. If so, how did you find it?
I'll be sending you a check-in email shortly.
Hi @Chloe-RO
I've just spoken to my regular, which was good. She is very worried, though. She will talk to my in-person psych sometime this week. We have put a safety plan in place which is good.
Oh okay sure thing.
Hey,
Is anyone up for a chat?
I'm feeling pretty down and out today at least I have my session with my regular at KHL today.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Why I'm upset right now.
I found out my maneger is going ti have a meeting with my work colleague and it's going to be the day I'm working. I'm really worried now as she might take it out on me when she comes back on the floor to work as they are going to mention my name and some other people that have out a complaint in against her. I hope it won't back fire on me.
I'm safe right now I'm at work. I'm just trying to figure everything out. I'll probably just go home and call KHL if I'm feeling worse tonight.
Hey @Red_Flamingo, we are really proud of you for speaking up safely about what happened at work with your colleague. That must have been very challenging for you to do. I hope you can feel comfortable enough to talk to your manager about any change in treatment by your colleague after this talk. You have done nothing wrong by expressing your concerns to your boss about the way you were spoken to. It sounds like your boss might be quite supportive as well?
I am concerned to hear that the suicidal thoughts you're experiencing are increasing this afternoon. You have some great safety plans to support you when you finish work.
We're going to send you an email to you to check-in so please keep an eye out for it ✉️
Hi @Erin_RO
She is alright; I suppose not great, but not bad either.
Yeah, well, I'm safe; been a hard night not suicidal-wise, just other things. Work was emotionally draining. My coworker mentioned how his friend died by suicide, which was hard to hear when I was struggling. Now I'm working on Friday next week. I'm not sure what that's going to mean. It could be a way to help keep me safe, as I thought I would have a much longer break, so it's a reason not to try and hurt myself.
Work, though, I'm worried about how this colleague of mine will meet with the coordinator about her behaviour, and they will share our names with her about the complaints we have brought forward. I hope she won't come to the shift, take it out on me, and be rude. If I were coming out of a meeting like that, I would realise I'd done something wrong, but I also would be a bit angry. So I feel she could be as well, only time will tell, though.
My KHL regular emailed me tonight after I told her about what happened today. I was a complete mess, so I contacted KHL to talk to her. I just needed someone to talk to and not feel so alone; I was unfortunately struggling with so many things on my mind. I got through and spoke to her, and it didn't go as well as I thought. We talked for a few minutes about what had been happening, and then she said let's try some deep breathing to help calm things down. After that, I told her I was safe and she told me to keep breathing, meditate, and watch some TV if I'm still struggling. I was so upset once we finished the call. We talked for like 15 min, and all I wanted was someone to speak to and validate my feelings. I couldn't stop sobbing for so long. I don't know why it hurt so much. I felt like she was pawning me off; I know we talked last night, but emotionally I was feeling ten times worse.
Just letting you know I'm safe and will be safe tonight. I'm just going to try and meditate and go to bed.