TW: Hello hi A N X I E T YYYYY
Hi I'm kinda new to all this (forums) I mean I know reddit but not like this sorta stuff and idk what I'm typing about but anyway I'm kinda "sad" right now and Google said hey! Check out this bad boy over here ! So I was like ayyeeeeee, I'm a 17 M with a depressingly low level of everything self esteem too just doing anything, and this might disgust you but I haven't cleaned my teeth in years, my gums bleed now hahahaha, now showering still no sleeping all I do is play rainbow (as my namesake suggests) it's not the blue screen messing with my melatonin either I've been to sleep clinics and GPS and even a hospital and they told me Im heavily depressed, paranoid anxiety and insomnia but the good news is other then that I'm a completely normal person hehe. I tend to make jokes and say/text stupid sh*t to shy away from all that but it's getting to the point where I can't keep it bottled up anymore, now I would ya know go talk to a professional or my parents about this but those fancy people are only in this stuff for the money or it's an easy job and my parents aren't around I guess, I've been in DOCS (Qld) since I was nine months (please, please don't think I'm doing this for a pity party or attention) I know that's kinda weird too say but I'm not sure if people here take the piss outta it but yeah anyway back to the topic basically they both don't like me too much for being born so I went into foster care? I have all these scars on me from them and everyone tells me what they did was wrong and yes I do fear them and all that but I still love the they still gave me a house when I couldn't walk like I cannot thank them enough for not leaving me, but as I grew older I grew more ADHD I guess I ment a bit loco when ever I was at school, from fights to class clown I loved attention, probably cause I never got any at home, sounds weird but in a way I loved it, I only saw them when I was introuble or at dinner breakfast or lunch, when I wasn't at the kitchen table I was in my room reading Deltora to Narnia to throne of ice I had my nose always buryed in the warm brownish white pages of a book, I don't know why I decided to write out some of my child hood but I can't keep my mind of this fucking curse, i got diagnosed officially when I was 13 but apparently I've always been "depressed", idk if I should keep going or stop but maybe I should talk about my real problems instead of this. I live by myself now, I left (foster) mum and dad at 15 to go into Resi and it was the worse desicion I feel I ever made, I got expelled, got hooked on gear( clean) and weed, now this is kinda crazy but in my opinion weeds affected me worse then ice had but I can smoke a lot in two days and I just started heavily smoking this year before it was sticks and fifties but now I have an income I spend it on drugs and not money and it fucking boils inside I am everything I never wanted to be, a lazy depressed addictive dbag that hurts everyone around himself, I guess it's no surprise that I have a bit of history with authority. Now I'm not the same person and I don't go out my way to try and hurt police or anything I actually had a conversation with one the otherday, but if I said that to my friends id get bashed, "choose better friends" why don't you tell that to someone who can make friends and can put themselves out there, hopefully these forums are desolated or imma panic, y'all are some spooky people, I guess I want a goal or a solution but Im not strong enough to find it it sounds stupid but I'm at the lowest point in my life, no job no car no certificates telling me I did good at school I literally have nothing to my name but what's in my room, I'm sick of running away though and always losing this upwards battle , I'm not sure what exactly to do or anything really I'm not entirely sure if I'm alive I don't see people as people I see them as machines I guess? Oops I'm off topic again but yeah just a tad sad about being another statistic
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It sounds like there's a lot going on in your life right now, and it can feel really stressful and chaotic at different times. I want to reiterate that it does take a hell of a lot of guts to decide you would like to make life changes. And especially around substance abuse. I have a couple of years of experience working in the AOD industry, and trust me, one of the hardest and earliest steps to heading towards recovery is the ability to admit a substance abuse issue. And damn, getting into recovery for ICE is amazing. That is huge. It takes guts and struggle and you should be so dang proud that you did that. And it's also huge that you are able to step back and say - I don't want to be using anything anymore, it's causing damage to myself and my life.
You mentioned you want a goal or a solution. Absolutely. Having goals is a great way of seeing where we want to be and taking steps to get there. Is setting goals for you something we on the forums can help you out with? Though the others are quite right, headspace is an excellent place to begin. They have access to external supports for more specific purposes, and internally they do have GP's and mental health clinicians.
The RO community is a supportive and non-judgmental one. We are here to listen and provide support. Please feel free to reach out and let us know how we can support you on here 
I feel like I've said thank you to many times in this thread but thank you, if it's okay would you have any ideas on getting away from weed, I use to use it just at night so I could go to sleep but when I got an income all spend it on is weed, I'm not sure if I said that in the OP but I feel like weed is gonna be harder to get away from, when I don't get it now I literally lose my mind, like Ill do something and not realise that I'm doing it and I just kind "float" around, the best way to describe it is a ball inside of a see through ball, the inside ball is me and the out side ball is my eyes/body so if you move the ball clockwise them the other one slowly follows that's how it feels. I need motivation but weed stops me. It would be great to find a goal but im kind of unreliable and I tend to procrastinate, it's a bit bipolar either I'm really down for it or I just don't care, that's another issue of mine, I've stoped carring about other people, but I always use to want to help people and take care of them that's what used to drive me, was fixing all the kids in residential houses, then and this gonna sound really cringey but.. I fell in love, they were everything to me, I never had someone love me until they did. I know people say us young ones don't know love but I finally felt safe in their arms, it ended quite hard I'll leave all the stupid stuff in brackets so you can skip it if you'd like (they had alot of mental issues too and we clashed quite a bit, they were the "man" in the relationship and I didn't have a problem with it, but we were both Tryna control and fuck with eachothers heads so we would stay together, I regret everything I did to them they didn't deserve it, but at the end of it they had enough of me and they left, five months later they came back and I fell in love with them again, even though I never really stopped but it turns out they were just doing to mess with my head, I was sent to a mental ward somewhere in this time I forget when but that place just drove the last mail in the coffin, I was stuck in there for too long probably not as long as others but I hate being trapped I used to get locked in the garage for yonks so it's a bit of a trigger, now you guys might not find this funny but looking back on it now it was hilarious,[ I tried to end my life]) But after that I was desensitized to everything I couldn't imagine why someone would that to anyone I lost all hope in everything, bit stupid ikik but she was more of a mother then both of mine together, she made me noodles when i.got alcohol posioning, it doesn't seem like much now but I literally had no one at that time she really did save me In a way, I think I've gone of topic) I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore, but yeah I really need something to help
@Rainbow6ismylifeline unfortunately that's something I have no experience with...
I follow a guy online who does though, and one of the things he's mentioned as being important in his recovery was group therapy. Do you think that might be an option?
I'd also suggest looking at Counseling Online, they seem like a really good service. Worst case scenario, you waste a bit of time talking to them.
Idk much about drugs, but I know withdrawal can be an issue.
So if you want to stop using them, I'd definitely suggest you see a go to make sure you're doing it safely.
One thing I've heard of is using an elastic band, and flicking it on your wrist when you get cravings.
Another one is setting "records". This really helped me stop self harming. At first it was hard to go for a day without doing it. Over time that become weeks, and then months.
I've heard people with alcohol addictions doing something similar, and keeping a record of how long they've been sober for.
Do you think any of these might be an option?
Another option is to look up tips for stopping online, you're definitely not the first person to go through this and I'm sure other people have had similar experiences.
Hey @Rainbow6ismylifeline ,
It sounds like you've been through a lot in 17 years, and I can really hear how much you want to make changes in your life - that takes a lot of guts, and I really admire it.
Your local Headspace centre could be one good place to start, they offer in person and online services, and it's for anyone who's under the age of 25, and there's no charge. All of their services are free, and there's also free counselling available on their website. You say that you don't have any certificates or anything to show what you've achieved, but from what I've read on your post you have already overcome a lot. And it might sound cheesy, but wanting to change is one of the biggest steps in making other changes in your life - whether that's returning to study, stopping drug use, or finding a new direction in your life.
You're definitely not alone in finding things like brushing your teeth hard when you're not in a great headspace, I had a period in my life where I was terrified to see a dentist because I'd been depressed and hadn't been looking after myself. I can totally understand how embarrassing it can be and it's easy to beat yourself up about stuff like that - but the human body is also pretty amazing, and establishing better habits can make a huge difference pretty quickly. Even something like chewing sugar free gum after you eat can be a step towards having better habits, and a counsellor or psych would be able to help a lot with that.
Depending on where you live, there's also specialist services that help people with drug and alcohol misuse and addiction - headspace can also connect you with the right supports, but you can have a look at what might be available near you here
This is a really non-judgmental and supportive place, and we're also always here if you want to chat.
Thank you, I'd rather talk to people like you and others that Actually understand the pain of all this stupid brain stuff instead of a girl/guy that just study's it. People with experience and people that work their way around this stuff should be the quacks in my opinion idk if that's stupid or not but like idk man maybe I'm not ready to face them, I'm also walking down the road now to get some gum like you said thank you for that :)) I'm in Qld but I'll check that link out now, I also have a problem with looking people in the eyes it frightens me, so I was wondering if you guys would know how to combat that.
I'm probably supposed to ask a quack that so sorry in advance if that annoys you,
Last night it got the worst it has been in a while, even though I'm on meds now that Actually help me kinda, it's not always in my head it comes and goes now but I don't get that either I've tried three of the five groups of depression meds, I kind of went of topic but I'm conclusion when I read these replies I broke down In tears(hahawhataweakhoe) it really warms my heart that people still care. Thank you so much
@Rainbow6ismylifeline Oh! One other thing! Eye contact is terrifying...
What I normally do is just look at the person's ear or something.
In most cases, you don't actually need to look someone in the eyes.
@Rainbow6ismylifeline okay so about what you actually said (And again it's okay and no one will be angry) it sounds like a lot's going on for you.
Firstly, some professionals are terrible, not gonna lie. But some are pretty good. And some aren't that expensive.
Unfortunately I can't copy links on my phone (maybe someone else can add links if they can get them?) but some things that you can put into the internet if you do want some (cheap) professional help.
Headspace: offer low cost mental health services for anyone under 25
Kids Helpline: have free phone, internet and email counseling and crisis service
Counseling Online: free online (And I think phone) counseling for people affected by alcohol and drug issues
Secondly, not disgusted at all. Self care is hard. Brushing teeth is hard. I manage it.. every few days I think? And I have a heap of trauma around showering so I don't do that much either.
I can help you problem solved some ways to get around that if you want.
Especially the teeth brushing, as hard as that is it can be really important.
Depression sucks.. so does anxiety. But this is a mental health forum, so you've come to the right place!
I can tell you're not after a pity party but sometimes it's nice to get sympathy. There's nothing wrong with that. Basically if you need a pity party there's no problem.
You deserve to feel safe around your friends..
Do you think it would be better for you if you were able to distance yourself from them a little?
Like I know how hard making friends is (I have a total of one outside the forums, if you don't include my cat), but it can be really important to feel safe with the people you're around.
Anyway sorry for the long ramble, I hope you get something out of it.
I hang around the forums a fair bit so if you need someone to talk to feel free to tag me.
Hey tiny leaf, I'm not sure how to tag you but I would if I could, thank you for this I really don't talk to many people but thank you.
I feel like it all gets repetitive with professional help, they just sit there and nod their head, all I do is expose my self, and each and everyone of them reported everything I said back to my foster parents, for example I told my school counselor back when I was in grade seven I think? That I listened to Marilyn Manson, turns out two Christian parents didn't take kindly to it(my attempt at a joke). Maybe I'm making excuses but I really don't get help from them, they don't understand how I feel or operate.
I guess it's a bit bad saying it but I'm glad someone out there has the same problem with hygiene as I do, but yeah if there's anything that you think would help me I'm very open to suggestions. I guess it would be but they're the only people that will talk to me even if they do use me for my weed I don't really care, I just need someone to be near me or I fall apart(hahamoreexcuses). I hate being alone I've been alone my entire life, I'm scared of the dark not because of monsters but because everything's asleep nothing's moving and I lose all hope when it gets dark i think I'm in sync with the sun and moon haha.
I'm not sure what else to say or do here but thanks for the "long ramble" I really needed it 🙂 once again thank you because I cannot say it enough jskjks
Sincerely Rainbow6
@Rainbow6ismylifeline you just type @ and then select from the options, or you can type @ and the first few letters of whoever you're trying to tag.
It can take a while to find a good professional. It sounds like that counsellor broke confidentiality...
I've personally had at least one abusive and manipulative professional. But I've also had a couple of really good ones.
It's hard to generalise with them, because they can have really different approaches.
As for hygiene.. I'm currently brushing my hair for the first time in months. Urgh it takes ages.
Anyway back on topic; with dental hygiene, there are a few things you can do. Rinsing your mouth with water after eating can help. Eating a whole Apple can help scrape all the stuff off your teeth. Tissues can be used instead of a toothbrush to wipe your teeth down. It feels weird but it really works.
For me committing to brushing my teeth just makes me anxious and I end up not doing it. Rather than putting pressure on myself to do it at certain intervals, I just do it whenever I can and call that a success. Is probably sounds weird, but I actually brush my teeth more when I do it like that.
With showering, idk what it is in particular that makes it hard for you, for me it's mostly trauma related...
One thing that might make it easier is to just sit under the water, and not pressure yourself to do anything else.
Have you ever tried volunteering?
Sorry it's a bit random, but it might help you meet people in a more positive and safe environment. Even if you don't become best buddies, you'll at least get some interaction with people who aren't going to harm you.
With the dark, I sorta get it. I hate it when everything's completely still and quiet.
At the moment I'm not sleeping in my bedroom, so I can have the tv on low.
Some other things that can help are listening to either music or online soundtracks of things like rain, birds, or even a city street. Some let you mix sounds together, it can be lots of fun to play with.
Hey @Rainbow6ismylifeline , I just wanted to quickly let you know that I had to make a couple of small edits to your posts, just to remove some details.
It sounds like you've been through a lot in your life, that is heaps to deal with, and it sounds like you are a really strong person. Your words about helping kids in resi are beautiful, I think some of the best youth workers are people who've been through stuff in their own lives, have you ever thought about doing that kind of work?
Ah so it's Facebook but on Chrome @Tiny_leaf thank you :))
They all have me a paper saying they wouldn't snitch but that didn't work out well, I think I'm going to check out headspace, i mean it's worth a try.
I decided to buy hemp toothpaste a while back to try and trick myself into doing it but it didn't go to plan :(( I think I'm going to try your method, i have a little problem with following directions, even with myself it's like theres two people up in here so I think that's why, "after you eat you gotta brush your teeth" I'm such a child I know, squabbling with my own brain. showering as well as brushing is kind of motivation I guess? I don't h a v e to do it so why should i, plus I always think someone's watching me or docs have cams in my house, it's kinda weird cause I know I'm just paranoid but my brain just goes but what if you're not? I'm also sorry to hear that my heart goes out to you homie :(( 💙.
I really really really want to work at rcpsa it's kind of been a dream to just be around so many fluffy things, probably not the volunteerimg you were thinking but idk dogs can't talk back so they're no way you can fight I guess. plus they get all warm and cuddly and stuff they're just amazing but I'm in an area where I'd have to travel over four hours to get their and trust me that wouldn't bother me but the rcpsa is right next to our jail and my dad's in there so I don't feel comfortable going alone, I don't feel comfortable alone anyway lmao. Heres some more excuses but I have insane public anxiety, I think someone's always watching me and seeing me be a clown, I'd rather fight it though then stay inside 24/7
I used to listen to rain and same but nothing works now I don't get "tingles" I put on music or a show and I'm kind of the opposite I have to have everything screaming at me for me to fall asleep, im not really like scared as in run away I'm more what's going to happen tonight? Sort of thing I'm scared Ill lose my sh*t and do something foolish like the big S word but I truly am not suicidal at all I'm not doing this for attention or anything but when it gets to night time I kind of change, think of a werewolf but instead of turning into a Wolfman in turn into depresso expresso man I don't have much control in what I think about so I just stay up plajng siege and those thoughts never come, I'd rather be even more sleep deprived then I already am.
"Ain't no rest for the wicked"
@Rainbow6ismylifeline oops, I keep posting at the same time as you sorry..
I was actually thinking exactly along those lines.
I can see why you'd be nervous about going to the RSPCA though.. are there any other animal shelters in your area?
Or wildlife sanctuaries, they can be really good as well. I volunteer at one, I get lots of kangaroo cuddles.
I'm sorry if you get angry at me if there's anything I said hahahadontkillmepls
It's okay, you haven't done anything wrong.
It was really brave of you to reach out, especially with how anxious you are about it.
I'll respond fully in a bit, but I just want to reassure you that everyone here is really nice, and no one here will make fun of you.
