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TW: I Need Help Self-Harm and Suicidal Thoughts
Hi, everyone hope you're all well.
First, I would like to say I am safe now and know what to do if I feel I can't keep myself safe.
I have now been in my uni accommodation for a week, which is exciting, and I have met so many new people, which is good. I start uni on Monday, so I am a bit nervous but excited to start studying again.
On the downside, my depression is worsening; I've been self-harming more, including today, which isn't good.
My suicidal thoughts have been increasing a lot over the past week, especially at night which isn't good, and I am waiting to get to see a psychiatrist as things have been getting worse over the past month or so, and I don't know how much longer I can keep going feeling like this.
I feel so exhausted that I keep going around in a circle. My thoughts get to like an 8 out of 10, and then I might chat with SANE, Kids Helpline or Headpace, and that helps at the moment, but I don't know how I can continue with that every night till things start to improve. I don't understand why after nearly a year of struggling with depression, I seem to be getting worse, and nothing is changing. What sucks is that I am either too high-risk or low-risk for different services, and I have to attempt to end my life to get the support I need. Which really shouldn't be the case. I don't see why they wouldn't want to help before things got terrible and help me stay out of the hospital.
Anyway, I am just in a very tricky spot trying to manage everything going on with uni, my new job I'll be starting in a few weeks and then normal adult stuff I have to do. The depression seems to add to that stress a bit, though, with motivation. I also feel so alone, scared, sad, worthless, hopeless and a burden. I just don't want to keep feeling like this and need this pain to stop it is all too much for me to cope with on my own. I just feel it would be easier if I weren't here and that people then wouldn't have to worry about me because I would be gone.
I am a bit worried, though because I don't particularly want to keep going down the rabbit hole each night it's not a healthy thing and I don't really want to go in-patient as I have work and uni.
Tomorrow I have a busy day I need to do some washing, cook some meals for the week, got get some stuff for uni and probably fit in some time for rumination and all that fun stuff, and I probably shouldn't do.
I know that was probably a bit heavy and all, but I just need a space to vent about how I am feeling at the moment. I am safe right now. The thoughts come and go in waves which aren't fun, but oh well.
One question for anyone do you know anything about the scale some mental health clinicians use, such as on a scale of one to ten and one being everything is fine and ten being not coping and shit has hit the fan and need to go to ED? How do we classify what level is not safe and what to do about it because for myself I know over the past week I have been getting to at least an eight, but then once I talk to someone, I seem to drop down. I just wish there was something I could do to bring that level of distress down so I don't get to a nine or ten, and then there is no turning back.
Thank you
Hi @Chloe-RO and anyone else that's on.
I hope you have had a lovely week and looking forward to easter.
Some good news finally got a psychiatrist appointment in six weeks. I've also started at the community MH and will have weekly sessions there for at least three months. My GP has also contacted a GP liaison psychiatrist, so I've finished my current medication, and she will put me on something that will hopefully improve.
I wouldn't say I am, though, feeling quite sad, alone and in anguish tonight, and I've been keeping myself busy for hours so I don't spiral because I think if I stop for five minutes, I'll be a complete mess which I'm not sure is a good thing or not. So should I cry and get it out, or could it make me want to SH or SI worse?
I seem to keep going around in an endless loop. It is so exhausting, and I don't even know how I've gotten this far, to be honest. I'm holding onto my thread. That is getting thinner and thinner. Hopefully, therapy and this new medication will help a bit.
I'm safe right now, though. I'll call KHL if I feel I can't stay safe.
Hey there @Red_Flamingo ,
Hearing what you are saying. Sounds tough to have to stay busy all the time to stay safe. However, maybe this is just for now? It won't always be like that. It is good you have been able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. They may be able to provide more insight into what is happening for you.
I hear the distress is real, yet through your post, I'm wondering if you are underestimating your distress tolerance? Within each one of us is a super-power. Find your super-power and run with it.
As you journey through, every difficulty is making you stronger. I agree, it is very tough. Yet I also see your inner strength.
For now, if it's about distracting yourself to stay safe, so be it. As you also mentioned, there's KHL you can reach out to on 1800 55 1800.
Take care.
Hi @Chloe-RO
I don't know; I've been like this for months now.
Sorry, I'm a bit confused.
I hear the distress is real, yet through your post, I'm wondering if you are underestimating your distress tolerance? Within each one of us is a super-power. Find your super-power and run with it.
Do you mean how I'm coping with distress now or in general? Finding my superpower, I'm not sure about that. I don't think I have anything.
It seems I'm taking things day by day. Maybe I'm not as bad as a few weeks ago when I was miserable seven out of nine days. One thought could be I'm slowly getting better, or I've just been extra busy since then, so I don't have as much time to contemplate as I did then.
Maybe I wouldn't say I like thinking I could be getting better as I don't want to or because I feel I deserve to be depressed. Why I do not wish to get better is quite strange. Also, even if I were to be getting better, I would say it's because I'm weaning off my medication.
What do you think?
It's Pete-RO, I haven't chatted with you in while!
It sounds like you have had some great developments with your treating team and are able to receive some support. Psychiatrists are challenging to get into see these days to great you have an appointment in 6 weeks. The community MH weekly sessions with allow you to build up a strong relationship with your worker and really work in your MH. Medication charges are common and sometimes we have to try a few to find the one and the dose that works well for us.
What Chloe-RO was getting at with:
I hear the distress is real, yet through your post, I'm wondering if you are underestimating your distress tolerance? Within each one of us is a super-power. Find your super-power and run with it.
Is that we all have an inherent inner drive to survive and be safe and comfortable, it's human nature. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by our thoughts and feelings and it seems like we are not able to cope or move forward. But inside you is a will to keep going and you just need to tap into that, your "superpower". Understanding what drives you when you feel overwhelmed enables you to focus on that and move through what is going on for you. Do you have any thoughts about what your superpower might be? I'm sure you have some ideas if you think about them!
Medications are a personal choice whether we take them or don't and these decisions are best made with your doctor/psychiatrist. I do believe in keeping busy and that is my superpower to stop myself from thinking and getting overwhelmed. So I can really relate to when you say you have been extra busy and don't have much time to contemplate. We are all individuals though and different things work for us all for different reasons. Understanding your recovery is part of the journey as you are able to look back and see what worked and what didn't.
As Chloe-RO it's about distracting yourself for now and staying safe remember to reach out to KHL on 1800 55 1800 if you need to speak with someone.
Regards
Pete-RO
Hello @Pete-RO
Nice to hear from you. How have you been since we last spoke?
Yes, it's been an uphill battle the past four months trying to get some support lined up, which looks hopeful.
I'm not sure how keeping myself constantly busy is a superpower though it helps keep me safe. I don't want to burn out. I also don't think I should have to be doing things just constantly so I don't ruminate. I just want five minutes to sit, relax and not ruminate.
I will chat with my regular at KHL today, so that will be nice. I've woken up not feeling the greatest I'm pretty alone and sad right now.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
I have been really good thank you and the TAFE year is moving along with assessments and placement building up. Busy but like I said I like it that way I feel productive and find it rewarding. How are your studies going lately?
I acknowledge that you have been having a tough time over the past few months. And I recognise that you are keeping connected and reaching out for support when you feel you need it. That takes courage and resilience to take these steps in recovery and seek out support.
I see that you said you are not feeling the greatest and are pretty alone and sad right now. Though it's great that you are having your regular chat with KHL today. Do you have anything planned to talk about or is it a space to talk about immediate issues like how you feel today? Also, what can you do to cope between now and when you have your chat with KHL?
I'm reading a book atm and it says that burnout is not about getting physically and mentally drained by the amount of work you do. It's about not getting the reward or the results you expect from the effort you put into work. So to reduce burnout you need to focus on results and having realistic or reframing expectations for outcomes. It's the same as focusing on what we can control versus what we can't control in life. What can we do that will improve how we feel instead of what we would like to do to make us feel better? What are your thoughts about that related to your situation?
A way of looking at ruminating was said to me by a psychiatrist and they referred to it as unwanted thoughts. If you can visualise and acknowledge the unwanted thoughts coming into your mind you can deflect them with your own thoughts and not let them overwhelm your mind. How would you feel about giving this a go and seeing how it works over time? Can you see how it could work like a ball game where you are competing with an opponent and exchanging turns controlling the ball? The outcome you are aiming for is that you gain control and dominate the unwanted thoughts and take back your mind.
Regards
Pete-RO
Hi @Pete-RO
Same I have so many assignments as well.
I'm not sure we have a weekly session, but I spoke to her on Tuesday. Lately, we have been speaking more frequently because things have been so hard.
I've been in bed all morning. I really need to cook, but I need some motivation to get up and do it. I feel bad when I have days like this in bed, but I just keep going around in a circle.
Mmm okay, maybe I'm not sure sorry.
So do you mean by challenging my thoughts?
I hope you cooked something nice for yourself!
Best of luck with uni and your assessments this semester.
The community MH support will maybe develop as you get to know your worker and they know how best to support you. It's good she is staying in touch when you need it regularly.
Challenging your thoughts is another way of looking at ruminating thoughts and learning to manage them. Perhaps this is something that you can bring up with the community MH worker. It can take time to overcome ruminating thoughts but talking about it is the first step and shows that you are ready for change. See how you go and it was good to talk about it today!
Take care
Pete-RO
Hi @Pete-RO
I made a sweet potato brownie, jaffa muffins, honey soy chicken legs with fried rice and a pasta meatball bake. So I've got a bit of food to last me a while.
Mmm, I'll have a think I'm not very good at challenging my thoughts; I'm pretty black and white.
Who knew I relied on KHL so much? I went on as I was feeling distressed earlier tonight, and I knew my regular was on, but once I got through, she wasn't available, and I was devastated. I didn't realise how much I relied on her when struggling. I felt hurt that she wasn't available as it was the first time she had been working, and I tried to speak to her, and she wasn't free. I did talk to someone in the end, so that was good, and I'm feeling much better now. I'm safe and probably just going to go to bed soon. Tomorrow I'm going to a cafe with a friend and then to the market, which will be nice. It will be nice to hang out with someone and make me feel not as alone.
Hey @Red_Flamingo ,
It can be so tough when you expect to speak to someone but can't. Yet conversely, it also opens the opportunity to see that YOU yourself also have power to self-soothe. Sometimes, it takes a gentle nudge away from our comfort in order to see our own strength.
Good on you for reaching out. Hope you have a good rest.
Mmm I'm not to sure I was absolutely sobbing when I found out I couldn't speak to her @Chloe-RO
Do you know anything on anxious attachment?
One other thing my friend messaged me asking if we can just stay on campus when I really wanted to go to this particular cafe and market. How much give and take would you say is far. I think I've been pretty open to please her and go where she wants.
Hey @Red_Flamingo Sounds like you're having a hard time. Well done for reaching out! It shows a lot of strength. What makes you ask about anxious attachment? Wondering if you could have a read of attachment theory, if you wanted to learn more about attachment styles? There is also this KHL guide on managing anxiety.
Regarding your friend, It sounds like you put a lot of effort into the friendship and I believe relationships need to involve give and take and you deserve to be heard in the friendship too. All relationships take work and it sounds like you're doing your best to be a good friend. Here is a guide to healthy friendships and I wonder if anything in our friendship space would be helpful? Take care
Hi @Soph-RO
I was just wondering someone mentioned it to me, and maybe that's why I could have got so upset yesterday after not being able to talk to my regular at KHL.
Yeah, it might be a good idea to have a google search on it.
I don't even know if I will be meeting my friend now. She is doing the same as on Wednesday, going to be late and not getting up in time to meet. She is lucky I didn't make a reservation for brunch because she still won't respond. It's just disappointing. I try to be a good friend, but I don't seem to be getting it back. She told me she would go to bed early to prepare for brunch, but that didn't seem to be the case.
That's tough @Red_Flamingo I hope you can have a chat about it when you do make contact. Your time is important and it sounds like your friend might find it helpful to have a reminder of that. Hopefully you can do something nice for yourself today and I hope it all works out for you with your friend.
Thank you @Soph-RO Hopefully, I'll hear from her at some stage. I was really looking forward to going out together.
Do you think it would be okay if I mentioned to her that I've been waiting even though she said she would be ready at that specific time?
I think that would be very reasonable @Red_Flamingo Maybe daylight savings ending has thrown her off? Depending which state you're in.. I'm sure there's an explaination 😊
Where in VIC, maybe it did but I still haven't heard from her @Soph-RO
Well, I didn't get to hang out with her. She bailed on me and told me she got up but changed her mind about going out. So I thought that it was just lovely making me wait hours. Though I did my study still didn't like it.
Hi @Red_Flamingo ,
Hrmmmm....waiting a few hours for a no show? Sounds disappointing @Red_Flamingo .
As much as I hear that people sometimes have 'one of those days', would you consider letting this friend know how you felt about them bailing out after you had waited so long?
It'll be good to see what they say. They may have had a genuine reason for not being able to make it.
Then again, I also have to acknowledge that you were able to use the time productively and study. Well done 🙂
Yep, it sucked big time. She did it to me on Wednesday as well, so it happened twice in one week.
She was asleep because she didn't go to bed early enough like she said she would so she would be ready by 10 am.
Yeah, well, couldn't waste the day I have that many assignments and tests to do @Chloe-RO
Hey @Red_Flamingo sounds pretty disappointing to be let down twice like that. I agree with Chloe-RO - having a chat to her about how it has made you feel would probably be a good idea - how do you think you'd go with that?
Yeah, I'll see if I get a chance. Depends on if I'll see her anytime soon.
How has your day been @Pho-RO ?
I've just been doing a lab report and trying to not cry right now.
@Red_Flamingo I hope if you do get to chat, it can lead to a closer/more healthy relationship 😊
My day has been relatively uneventful, so pretty chill. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed hey.
Lab report sounds intensive! And perhaps doubly so when you are also trying your best to stay afloat for the evening.
Could you take a lil break from studying, maybe call KHL or something if you're in need of some support, or someone to help you regulate your emotions a bit?