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TW: I think I have an eating disorder

I have no reason to have an eating disorder,

Spoiler
if I have any body image "issues" it's that I think I'm too skinny and yet I can barely eat anything

. Though maybe it's a biological problem rather than psychological? I have no idea. And I think it's been getting worse as this year has progressed.

I've been looking at lists of types of eating disorders and I think the closest one to me is ARFID, specifically I think the restrictive type, as I get distracted every time I try to eat so I don't feel hungry anymore, and I'm also often not hungry in the first place. I also seem to have lost the ability to tell whether I'm full or hungry because it feels the same, I'm just sick in my stomach. 

Spoiler
I don't finish most my meals unless it's spaghetti, which I can finish very quickly (it's my favourite food). Other than that I've started hating dinner and lunch because you're expected to eat something big but I just can't, I'd rather only eat snacks, or honestly I wouldn't mind never having to eat at all because it brings me so much stress to have to do it. Eating is overwhelming.

I remember a few years ago I would have had ARFID, because I had choked on food and couldn't breathe once and my worst fear is not being able to breathe, so for ages I was scared of eating and ate super super slowly, but I grew out of it. So that would have been aversive ARFID. This isn't a fear thing now, I don't know what could have caused this sudden thing.

I've had a lot of changes this year and it's brought me stress and overwhelming emotions, I find a lot of days I wake up feeling like I have morning sickness for no reason (not literal morning sickness, I've been on my period for majority of the year with only small breaks - yes I'm going to see a gynecologist about it) , and I think it started there, because I couldn't bring myself to eat in the morning. It seems that I no longer mentally feel my anxiety so much as it festers inside my body, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Spoiler
I don't feel anxious in the way I would expect to feel anxious, and yet my body's there like "I'm going to throw up if you move an inch" most mornings.

I don't know what to do.

utgard
utgardPosted 30-10-2023 09:41 AM

Comments

 
Blake_RO
Blake_ROPosted 30-10-2023 02:27 PM

Hey @utgard

Thank you for being so open and honest about what has been happening for you lately. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a tough time lately, it sounds like this has been a lot to be managing and I am really glad that you were able to reach out for some support as you don’t have to be managing this on your own. It takes a lot of courage to open up about these things and you should be really proud of yourself for taking that step.

I know you mentioned that this has been something you have experienced in the past due to a choking incident and I am sorry to hear that. It must have been really scary to experience. It sounds like you were able to work through this last time which is good to hear but now you are experiencing something different. I was wondering what supports you had when you had a similar experience in the past and if anything helped you manage this or if you had any strategies or supports?

I was also curious about what supports you have now and if you have spoken to anyone about this like a GP? If not, do you feel comfortable speaking to a GP about this and sharing any of the concerns you are having. I know you mentioned that you have been feeling unwell and have some other health concerns and I really encourage you to speak about this with a GP.

Have you ever connected with the butterfly foundation? They provide some free support and information about eating disorders and it might be helpful reaching out to them. We also have a list of other support services here that may also be helpful.

I know you mentioned that you’ve had a lot of changes this year that has brought you a lot of stress and overwhelming emotions. I was wondering if you have spoken to anyone about what’s been going on for you and if you have been able to use any strategies or if anything has helped you with managing this?

 

We will be sending you an email to check in, can you please keep an eye out for it? 
Look forward to hearing back from you soon. 

 
 
utgard
utgardPosted 30-10-2023 02:54 PM

hello @Blake_RO 

I don't remember much about the last time cuz it was ages ago, but I didn't really have any support. According to my dad he just yelled at me one day to snap out of it and I went back to eating normally.

I've spoken about the sickness to my parents and GP, my dad's gotten some things to settle the acid in my stomach and it helps somewhat, that's about it. My parents have noticed me not finishing meals and my mum tries to help and is understanding while my dad just gets annoyed, but I'm scared to bring up that I think it's an eating disorder. Honestly it's only recently dawned on me that I don't have control of this but I don't know if my dad will realise that. I have a psychologist who I've spoken to about all the stress this year and I want to talk to him about the eating disorder stuff, though I'm nervous, I was going to bring it up last time but got too scared, I don't really know why.

I'm definitely going to check out the butterfly foundation, I didn't realise that was a thing

 

 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 30-10-2023 07:06 PM

Hey @utgard I'm sorry to read of your struggles, but I'm glad to hear you do get some understanding from your mum, and that you have a psych you're working with. Do you think your mum would be supportive if you told her you don't feel in control? 

 

It's understandable that you're feeling a bit nervous about opening up with your psych, too. It can be hard to be open and vulnerable in that way. Something that can really help is to write things down, maybe before your next session you could give it a try? Even just a few dot points, or a piece of paper that you could hand to the psych, can be good to break open the topic and make it easier to continue the conversation. 

 

Glad to hear you'll look into the Butterfly Foundation, feel free to let us know how you go 😊 

 
 
 
 
utgard
utgardPosted 31-10-2023 09:27 PM

I'm gonna be honest I actually preferred the support here than from the Butterfly Foundation, but anyway I'm gonna try to tell my psychologist about this tomorrow 

 
 
 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 31-10-2023 10:07 PM

Aww @utgard I'm glad you are feeling so supported here, though not so fun that Butterfly Foundation weren't as helpful as one might hope. Glad to hear that you are chatting with your psych about it tomorrow - feel free to keep us updated if you like. Hope it goes well for you 😊🤞

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