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TW It's been really tough coping at school and at home.

Around 6 months ago, a long-time friend of mine decided to call it quits with me because she could no longer handle my attitude and the way I was; I had lashed out at her that time because of my insecurities and since then, life's just been a wreck. And she said to me, "Can we be acquaintances? You promise to change but you never do."

And before this happened I lost 2 other friends, both of whom were because of my anger issues and insecurities. 

I've gone to see the school psychologist many times, vented and ranted to my other friends, and tried other coping mechanisms like listing the things I'm grateful for, exercising, reframing my thoughts, and sleeping earlier, but nothing seems to work. I am constantly wishing that all of these things should have never happened and I always just seem to live in the past even though I really try to live in the present. 

It's gotten to the point where nothing really seems to work out, and the friends I trust and still have just don't seem to be the friends who put me first. No matter how many times I come up to them for help, I'm truly well aware that in the end, nothing else really changes. Just a sense of temporary comfort and the cycle of sadness repeats again. I'm just extremely saddened that I used to have best friends that I could always confide in, but now I have none; even though I technically do have one, in the end, I am no one's best friend. I often feel alone and with rarely anyone walking up to me to make conversation, these feelings of loneliness exacerbate. 

I can't even confide to my family about my issues because they don't know much about mental health issues and demean it; they just aren't the right emotional support. And I don't know if I should see an actual psychologist outside of my school especially when the fees can be expensive in the long run and it'll take a number of psychologists to go through before I genuinely find the one I could confide in. 

I've constantly been grieving and upset for almost 2 years and just recently, my suicidal thoughts have been resurfacing again. 

It sucks. I only have myself to trust in but I feel like I will never be enough. And I'm sorry if this sounds really condescending and even self-pitiful, I am really trying to not sound like that but it probably comes off like that.

I don't know what to do anymore.

R1llakuma
R1llakumaPosted 08-03-2023 04:39 PM

Comments

 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 09-03-2023 01:21 PM

Hiya @R1llakuma

 

I’m sorry to read about how tough things have been for you recently with friends and family. It’s so understandable that you’re feeling hurt. There’s so much grief that comes along with the loss of friendships. On top of that, to feel that you can’t open up to family about it must be so hard on you. 

 

I just want to let you know that we’re here for you and have sent an email to check in on you. When you get a chance to give it a read, please do 😌

 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 08-03-2023 07:34 PM

Hey there @R1llakuma ,

 

Good on you for reaching out. It takes a lot to acknowledge vulnerabilities and how this may have affected relationships. 

 

Relationships can get messy at the best of times. We read that much of the behaviours demonstrated are due to your 'insecurities' and upsets. Do you think your friends are aware of this?

 

Sometimes, it can be easy to forget that friends are not mind-readers and don't have the understanding that perhaps you are hurting? Other times, it is about being very clear that you know you are behaving a certain way because you are in pain.

 

Communication is so important in this. Otherwise, all they see are 'behaviours', but not the unseen that is driving these 'rants', 'vents' and 'lashing out'.

 

Do you think communicating your hurt verbally at a time when things are cool, will help?

 

Here's a communication page that may help https://au.reachout.com/relationships/communication-skills

 

As for seeing an external psychologist, does your school psychologist recommend this?

 

Another option is to perhaps link in with headspace https://headspace.org.au/ or kidshelpline https://kidshelpline.com.au/

They have a range of services that may be helpful for you e.g. webchat, peer chat, phone counselling.

 

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