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TW : Likely the last rambling post

It seems I still have some time to write a post here again before I turn 26. 

To be frank I am not even sure what I wish to convey.  The time I have spent here hasn't really been helpful, but with that being said nothing has. 

I won't bother trying to figure out how long I have been idle for this time, I do so much sitting around doing nothing these days that I am rarely aware of what day of the week it is. Since my last post or whatever, I have moved back to my home region and found a place to stay. 

I go outside once a fortnight to buy smokes and that's about it, I don't talk to anyone or interact with anyone. 

Not sure what constitutes as giving up, I still eat once or twice a day and read a book sometimes. 

Spoiler
 

I have lost a lot of weight and my spine is starting to crumble from atrophied muscles. I have numerous other health problems, many of which stem from not looking after myself properly and being idle for years at a time.

 

Some times I think about getting cleaned up, getting a job, getting a girlfriend, white picket fences, etc. 

I will also think about these things in the future too. I think this is the default narrative that people defer to. 

Since finishing highschool I tried doing all of those things in that prescribed way, I even tried them a few times. At one point I tried so hard to make it work I found myself in a mental hospital. Suffice to say all my marbles rolled away! 

Every job I have worked, I have been underpaid and overworked, I don't see the point in working if I can live on what the government provides.
I have lost all interest in women after I had sex and realized it wasn't worth the effort, I also had sex with a man just to see if I was gay but that didn't do anything for me. Owning a house or any kind of property is not an accomplishable goal (nor does the concept really exist from my understanding).


I am not comfortable with my health, but I can't afford to rectify it. I do not really like crawling out of bed of an afternoon and looking in the mirror to see some emaciated stranger looking back at me. I would prefer to live in a house with no mirrors I think. 

If this is my lot in life than I am just not going to participate, I am just going to stay in bed and read a book.  


WinfieldRed
WinfieldRedPosted 11-02-2023 08:18 AM

Comments

 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 11-02-2023 09:56 AM

Hey @WinfieldRed ,

 

Sounds tough, eh?

 

It seems that the transition from highschool to adulthood can be quite challenging for many. From a world of 'knowing' and being supported at school, to being left in the wider world with little or no guidance on where to go or who to turn to.

 

Do you have any supports you can speak to?

 
 
WinfieldRed
WinfieldRedPosted 11-02-2023 04:50 PM

No, not at all. My mother often comes to me seeking advice about things. 

 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 11-02-2023 05:50 PM

@WinfieldRed I'm sorry to hear things have been so tough for you for so long, and that you have little-to-no support around you. It's tough that your mum is coming to you for advice - am I correct in thinking this makes it hard for you to feel like you can approach her and ask her for support? 

 

Having caring support, and especially community around us is really important for our mental wellbeing. Just wondering what sort of avenues you've tried already? Like have you ever sought counselling or therapy? Or joined a support group? They can surprise us with how helpful it can be to be heard and held. 

 
 
 
 
WinfieldRed
WinfieldRedPosted 11-02-2023 06:57 PM

My mother is barely capable of supporting herself, has been sleeping in her car for years now. 

I have tried all of the avenues you have mentioned in the past, but not recently. 
Over the years I have spoken to a lot of people, I have had some friends that share similar sentiments towards life. Friends of which I have had good rappor and conversations with, but ultimately did not lead to any improvement. More of a shared lamentation. 

 
 
 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 11-02-2023 07:26 PM

Wow @WinfieldRed that sounds really tough to manage, sounds like your mum could use some extra support herself, so she didn't have to rely on you all the time. It's good to be able to support the ones we care for, but can get very overwhelming if nothing seems to change, or if you're struggling your own self and cannot spare the energy to be worrying about someone else, even if she is family. 

 

Well, you could always try again with a counsellor or therapist. Sometimes it takes time before we find the right person who we can feel safe with, build trust, and who will help us to start making positive changes. It took me many years to find the right therapist! 

 

Sometimes being able to share experiences can be very helpful, especially in terms of feeling less alone. But I think sometimes that only gets us so far, as you've noticed. I'd encourage you to keep reaching out in the ways you can, and hopefully you'll find the best way for you to forge a new pathway towards recovery. 

 
 
 
 
 
WinfieldRed
WinfieldRedPosted 19-02-2023 05:42 AM

At some point I just stopped caring about my family, I still go along with things and say the right words, but it's just a farce. I don't have the time or energy to deal with their problems. 

Talking to a person isn't going to solve any extant problems I have, that is up to me. I recently had a conversation with someone about the being a prospective employee, evidently a lot of employers can see that I do not care about working for their establishment and simply want money to exchange for goods and services. I do not understand why this is a problem, provided I can work effectively. 

Apparently one is meant to lie and present a candor for working at establishment XYZ, regardless of what they actually think or feel about the notion. Frankly I find this behavior to be lacking in integrity and have no desire to do so. 

Additionally, one is expected to fabricate an alternative personality to cooperate with colleagues. Whereas I have been known to be 'brutally honest', I just call it candor. That's not to say I am tactless, I would rather just let people know that I do not care about what they saw on television or social media, or heard on the grapevine. I am not interested in pretending to care. 

Another thing that I don't quite understand, is the discussion of payment. I recently called one prospective employer up after my application was rejected, following an interview. I asked why, and the gentleman said that it was because I offered to work for free, on a trial basis. Apparently I was meant to not do that, and instead grossly overstate my worth and demand a very high wage. 

As for 'recovery', there is not anything to recover from as far as I am aware. Unless you mean my health issues, which would frankly take some kind of miracle to accomplish.


I had a rotten wisdom tooth, which I was fortunately able to get removed (with disastrous consequences) after waiting for several months. I was informed that this was due to the fact that I did not get braces as a child. While this may have been a factor, I believe the hole leading from my mouth to my sinus is mainly due to gross incompetence during and following the extraction. Since I am poor however, I had to waive any potential rights I may or may not have been afforded in respect to my treatment. 

I am now on another waiting list to see a facial surgeon of some description, I have since been waiting for one year. I have been unable to breathe through my left nostril, have suffered a continuous sinus infection and have been coughing up inhaled blood for one year. Provided I live long enough to recieve my next treatment (whenever that may be), I will once again sign another waiver for free treatment and roll the dice once more. 

As you can see I have pursued the avenues available to me in this regard, it has largely been fruitless, other than significantly worsening my health and quality of life of course. 

I hope that in the near future I will be able to secure some kind of employment that will enable me to work, not for goods or services I may desire, but to simply rectify my extant health issues. I hope that I will be able to do so without compromising what integrity and autonomy I have left. 

 
 
 
 
 
Pho-RO
Pho-ROPosted 19-02-2023 11:03 AM

@WinfieldRed You know what I wholeheartedly agree that we should not have to compromise our integrity to simply afford to live. It is a pretty heinous aspect of modern living - that we have to pretend we are basically in love with a company or something like that, for them to want to hire us. And being rejected for offering a trial period? That is a cruel irony, and I am sorry you are having to endure this process that is so in opposition of your values. You deserve better. In my experience, we often do have to play their game in order to secure the employment position, but then after a couple months it's a lot easier to let loose a little and be my authentic self. Hopefully, you also find employment somewhere where you can get along with your coworkers. That often goes a long way to making a job tolerable - and sometimes even enjoyable, even if the work itself is not. 

 

As for the notion of recovery - it's a term that has become popular in the mental health world in recent years. It is in the spirit of rejecting the ideas of the medical model that look at mental illness as something that can be 'cured', like you would an infection to simply be treated with antibiotics. The recovery journey is one that acknowledges our biological, psychological and social environments as having a distinct impact on our mental state, as well as understanding that recovery is often a life-long process of growth unique to the individual. You can have a read more about the concept here, if you're interested. 

 

Sounds like you're also dealing with some pretty gnarly physical health issues too. You know, I had a rotten molar once and holy heck it was a nasty business, so I really feel for you. The negligence adds a whole extra layer of difficulty to it too. I can only imagine the pain and unpleasantness you're dealing with. It is a true horror that the current social context we are living in requires that we work (sometimes in jobs that are demeaning, or detrimental to our health and mental wellbeing in other ways) in order to afford basic necessities like health care, food, and shelter. 

 

I too genuinely hope that you can find employment that doesn't force you to compromise your integrity and autonomy, so you can start to build a better quality of life for yourself ðŸ¤žðŸ’– 

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