TW: Mixed emotions
I'm unsure if this needs a (tw) but I'll put it on anyways (tw)
My partner has asked me to marry them and start a family
but after losing one baby like 3 years ago I haven't been the same it's not because of the baby it's because of the way it happened it was a sa by my ex partner at the time I really don't know how to feel about this because all my life I have been sa by family and ex partners not all of my ex partners tho I don't know if I am ready for anything yes my partner has said there's no rush or anything they will not pressure me I don't know how to move on from everything
The last sa was in December last year yes I still get nightmares about and I still feel everything I still blame myself for it
I had a nightmare 3 nights ago if it happening again it was a bad one yes the police know but I don't really talk about it because I get scared and uncomfortable because it was a old man anyways
I have been a little up and down I have so much in my head I am sick of people judging me I already feel everything is my fault my MH isn't the best I feel shitty been crying I feel out of control
It's been months since my family has contacted me which I feel okay about I am all by myself
I have so many emotions running in me it's hard to explain
I am not distressed or anything I am just scared of things happing
yes I am safe , I called lifeline I am about to shower listen to music
Also yes the police know but I haven't been comfortable talking to them about anything yet
Comments
I am so sorry that you had to go through so much. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to share your story with us. Thank you for trusting us with your story.
I also cannot imagine just how much thoughts and emotions must have been running through your mind after everything that had happened -especially after the nightmare.
You are indeed an incredibly strong person. I am so proud of the fact that depsite everything on your boat, you had managed to reach out to lifeline. Reaching out is the first step towards healing.
I understand that you are concerned about your mental health and I can also understand the emotions of fear that you currently facing with. I just want you to know that it is okay to take the time to heal. I want you to know that you are not alone.
With the help of professionals such as lifeline, I believe that one day you'll be able to overcome your challenges with your mental health. You are doing an amazing job being resilient in such difficult times. I believe in your incredible strength and resilience.
I'm so sorry I didn't reply to anyone I haven't been mentally well after I did the post all the memories and everything come back I feel like a burden to everyone 😞 I shouldn't have posted anything I wanted people to know stupid me always doing something wrong I am so stupid worthless coward person and yes I am safe just going to listen to music or sleep I will reply again if anyone wants to talk today 🥺
Hi @Cup
I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope you know how incredibly strong you are!
I just wanted to send you a big hug🤗.
Always remember you are strong and loved.
Hi @Cup , I'm truly sorry to hear that you're facing such a tough and painful time right now. It takes a lot of strength to open up about your feelings and experiences, and I want you to know that there are people who care about you. It's completely normal and okay to be going through a mix of emotions after everything you've been through.
It's really positive that your partner is understanding and giving you the space you need. It's crucial to take things at your own pace and focus on your mental health and well-being during this healing process. Try not to feel pressured to make decisions about marriage or starting a family right away – it's okay to take the time you need.
I'm glad to hear you reached out to Lifeline and are taking care of yourself with things like showering and listening to music. I also wanted to suggest two other resources that might provide extra support. SANDS is an organisation that helps individuals dealing with the loss of a baby. They offer support through their helpline, live chat, email, and even on Facebook support groups. Additionally, I am unsure whether we have shared 1800RESPECT with you in the past, but they are a great support service for individuals sexual violence.
As you keep working through the challenges of your mental health, remember to keep taking care of yourself with moments of self-care and reaching out for support, just like you did with Lifeline and here on these forums. You're doing your best to manage these tough emotions, and you absolutely deserve to feel supported throughout the process.
Ps. Thank you and well done for remembering to add a TW to your post. I have just added a TW to your post title to make it clearer for others to see, and I've added a spoiler for parts of your post that may be triggering for others.
Thanks 👍 not that I am okay but nobody needs to know that I shouldn't have let it happen but I did so it's my fault
Stupid stupid me 😭 anyways I am off I'll be around later if anyone wants to chat 🤨 bye 👋
Hi @Cup ,
It sounds like you're dealing with some really difficult emotions. I want you to know that I am glad to know how you're feeling, and I can see your courage in telling us that you're not okay right now.
It is never okay for someone to put you through that and it is not your fault for having those thoughts or feeling the way you do about what was done to you. It can be incredibly difficult to process what you've been through, and I'm sure it's made even more difficult when those memories are triggered.
You are not alone, and we are here to do what we can to help you. You can also reach out to Lifeline if you need support. We have also sent you an email so please keep an eye out for it.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
yes I have seen you're email I just haven't had the energy to read or reply yet and yes I have already spoken to lifeline today
To be honest I am crying and crying I feel like I failed everyone
Also I am not distressed or suicidal I am just depressed and anxious upset with emotions running around in my head and body and yes I am safe listening to my music and with my pet
Hey @Cup
I am sorry to hear that today has been so difficult for you and that you are feeling the way that you are. I am also very sorry to hear that you were sexually assaulted by your ex-partner and someone in December. I want to acknowledge how much strength it takes to open up about this, you should be really proud of yourself for taking such a huge step.
I want to remind you that this was not your fault in anyway. It is very common for victims to blame themselves for what happened – but it is never their fault. No one should ever touch you without your consent. I know you mentioned that when it happened you couldn’t move, that must have been very scary to experience. I want you to know that this is a very normal reaction to a trauma – and it still doesn’t mean that what happened to you was okay or your fault. It is very understandable that you are feeling the way you are and you are not alone in feeling this way.
I was wondering if you have had been able to give 1800Respect a call yet? They provide support to victims and would be able to talk through some of the thoughts and feelings your having. They may also be able to help you find some coping strategies for when you ever experience flashbacks. If you haven’t called them yet do you think this is something you would consider?
I also wanted to share some resources we have around sexual assault here which you might find helpful to have a read through, including this one here that explains the impact sexual assault has on survivors which you might be able to relate to.
Thank you for letting us know that you have spoken to lifeline and for letting us know that you are safe tonight. It sounds like you have some great self-care tonight by listening to some music and spending time with your pet. What kind of pet do you have?
Take care.
yeah I called them I hung up because of the questions and I was freaking out
anyways no I haven't been okay I don't know if I ever will be because everyone keeps telling me I will get better but when it never ends over the week the voices and demons have been louder nobody understands I just hate myself so much right now I have given up on everyone because nobody cares I feel so shit and worthless person when does it stop ? And yes I am safe and fine about to shower and I have a cat and 2 fish
Hey @Cup,
Thanks for getting back and letting us know you're safe.
I can imagine how hard it must be to answer those questions. You've shown so much courage in reaching out and sharing your story with us, and I am so appreciative you took that next step. Making the call in the first place is huge, and I'm so glad you did despite how difficult it was.
Sometimes writing things down before-hand can help you get across to them what you need to without having to think about it too much. Would you be willing to try calling them again after you've written some notes down?
I can understand that calling back might be too much right now, I know 1800Respect also runs a confidential webchat service. Do you think it might be easier messaging them rather than calling?
Also, we'll resend you that email soon.
Look forward to hearing from you.
I know you send me a email earlier but I accidentally deleted it so I can't reply would someone tomorrow be able to send it again? Sorry 😐 😔
No no no no I am not okay at all no no no voices are loud yea I am safe too just watching tv
