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TW: My brain is so exhausting

Nothing bad happened today but I just got lost in my thoughts and now I'm crying, pretty sure it's happening everyday now. I just feel so shit and fed up with life. Maybe it's because my physical health has gone downhill (but that's because I can't be bothered taking care of myself + I don't know how to, also because of anxiety according to my doctor), or because my meds make me overly hormonal, but god everything just feels like too much right now. Moving house and having to make new friends yet again, I don't have anyone I can actually have proper conversations with because no one I know knows how to goddamn socialise (and neither do I), my sister's changing right in front of my eyes from her weed use and sometimes I feel like I want some of it too, and plural system things... For the first time I actually wanna try final fusion, but my headmates probably won't want to. I just want to feel normal and okay for fucking once. The only thing that feels like it's keeping me sane is music. I can't even eat food without feeling sick but I feel sick when I'm hungry, and it takes me forever to go to sleep because I have too many thoughts, I especially keep thinking about my breathing and the fact that I can't breathe even though I apparently can. And it doesn't feel like anything going on in my life is actually bad at all, like at least I don't have my toxic friend anymore and I haven't self-harmed in 7 months. But just... everything feels like way too much. Sorry I just wanted to rant and I don't really have anywhere else to put this so this seemed like a good idea

utgard
utgardPosted 21-01-2023 01:12 PM

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Eleanor-RO
Eleanor-ROPosted 21-01-2023 02:00 PM

Hey @utgard

 

Welcome to the Reach Out forums,

 

I'm sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. I can hear how low you're feeling right now and I know how difficult anxiety can be to live with and the massive impact it can have on our physical health. I can imagine you would be feeling extra anxious at the moment with having to move house and make new friends. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that there is no one around you that you feel comfortable to speak with. Have you thought about reaching out to a helpline like the Kids Helpline? There are really friendly counsellors on the other end who you can talk to and get some advice from. There website is here if you want to check it out: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

 

It sounds like you’re going through a lot at the moment, feeling like you aren't able to eat, struggling to sleep and feeling as though you can't breathe (I know how unsettling that feeling can be). Can I ask, are you seeing a psychologist or another mental health professional about your mental health? What you’re experiencing sounds like a lot to have to manage on your own. 

 

Please feel free to keep sharing your story and getting things off your mind. 

 

I'm also sending you an email to check-in so please be on the lookout for that 🙂

Who have you been talking to the most lately ?

 
 
utgard
utgardPosted 21-01-2023 03:16 PM

I've contacted Kids Helpline a few times before but not recently, maybe I will again. I'm occasionally seeing a therapist, but not often because they're expensive, and my doctor sent a referral to Headspace but they haven't contacted me yet. And for the past few months, the main person I've been talking to is an online friend, though it's been less so recently, and the only way to have a proper conversation most of the time is to talk about what they want to talk about so they're not just sending one word responses. I also tend to send one word responses but I'm working on it, so I'd say I am better at that than them now. So it's frustrating because I want to talk about my things, and I could go on forever if they just gave me better responses, even just simple questions. But I'd rather have a proper conversation with them about something I'm not interested in than a very short-lived one about what I want to talk about

 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 21-01-2023 10:39 PM

Hey @utgard, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now. It sounds like a lot to be dealing with on your own so i'm really glad to hear that you have some support behind you. You mentioned that you have contacted Kidshelpline before and so I was wondering how you felt about them, did you find them helpful? 

 

I also saw that you had been experiencing other things like feeling sick after eating, trouble sleeping and even breathing difficulties and was wondering if anyone else is aware of this? You should never feel like you have to struggle through all of this on your own.

 

I can definitely understand wanting to have proper conversations though. It can be really helpful to be able to talk through your situation to someone who is listening and who can offer support. So I just want to say that you're always welcome here! We are always around to listen and support you whenever you need 💜

 
 
 
 
utgard
utgardPosted 25-01-2023 03:42 PM

Honestly, I don't remember how it went with Kids Helpline, it was years ago, although I did contact them multiple times so it was probably pretty good.

My parents and an irl friend know about the eating and breathing issues. I went to the doctors a few days after the breathing thing started, and they told me it was anxiety, which helped calm it a bit, but not entirely. Oh and another thing that happened, was yesterday I was just trying to eat some beef jerky in the morning, but it was too much acid for my already acid-filled stomach from anxiety, so I ended up throwing up. I've started trying to find a psychiatrist to help with all this though.

Speaking of that online friend again, the other day I reached out in a moment where I was feeling very much not okay, and they ignored the message. They ignore some of my messages quite a bit which is usually okay cuz they're not important, but it still hurts a little because I always make an effort to reply to every message sent directly to me. But this was basically the last straw for me, because they said they'd always be there for me, but I guess those were just words. So then I pretended I wasn't available and haven't spoken to them since, because I just need a break. I don't know if that's healthy or not though ;-;

 
 
 
 
 
Blake_RO
Blake_ROPosted 27-01-2023 04:00 PM

Hey @utgard 

I just wanted to chime in and let you know that we have some resources about anxiety here, and an article on how to manage your anxiety that you might find helpful. We also have an anxiety 101 thread that you may also find helpful to have a look through.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 25-01-2023 09:55 PM

Hey@utgard That's really great to hear that your family and friend are aware of your eating and breathing issues and that you have been seeking alternate supports as well. It can be really hard to go through so much on your own, so I'm really glad that you have some great support on your side. How do you feel after talking to your doctor about it? Were they able to suggest anything to help ease your breathing at all? 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your online friend. Reaching out to someone when you are not okay is hard in itself, but having your message ignored by someone who said they would always be there for you is incredibly hurtful. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. I know it might not change anything right now, but I just want to say that you are not alone and we are so lucky to have you here.

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