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TW: Not Coping
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to come by and say a few things.
I'm still in the hospital but going home on Friday. I'm nervous about going home but have plenty of support, so I should be okay.
My uncle and aunt have been a great support for me, which I value a lot.
I have my new psychologist. I'm not quite sure yet about his style. He likes to challenge me a lot and put pressure on me. He always asks how I'm feeling, where I feel it and on what scale from 1-10, so I'll have to get used to that. He doesn't like that I have a defence mechanism: laughing and smiling at something I shouldn't be, but It's hard not to when I've been doing it for so long. One thing I don't understand is that I tell him I need to trust him to be vulnerable. It's not easy to do, and it takes time, but he says I don't need to develop trust. It's just there because it's his job. I don't know about that. Having people in a power imbalance like I did when I was at school for so long makes me distrust people. So maybe I feel like I distrust him because it feels like there is a power imbalance with him as well. I was bullied for 13 years. The school did nothing to help me, so maybe because the teachers and school psych were not helping, I feel scared to let him help me. He also talks about how I'm conflict with wanting to feel better. I want to get better, but it's just so hard. I feel comfortable (as painful as it is) where I'm at right now, so if I do get better, it means something could happen, and then I'm back here again.
I wish I felt better after being here for nearly three weeks, but no. The new meds might take some time to kick in. I feel so sad and alone. I don't know how to fix it. I also hate myself for some unknown reason, and I'm literally belittling myself and being my own never ending bully in my head, which is just so fun. Not.
I think it has to do with going home, and I'm scared. However, saying that, I'm safe right now. I'm finishing up an assessment and find something to do after that. I've been busy enrolling in my units for uni next year.
I'm looking forward to that. I'm also having a session with my regular at KHL tonight, so that will be good.
Hey @Red_Flamingo ,
We hear how awful and triggering it was for you when you bumped into the person unexpectedly. We read how it stirred up thoughts of past interactions, emotions and pain for you. We're sorry to hear how upsetting it was for you. At the same time, well done on considering ways to stay safe, busy yourself and help yourself calm down.
We know you posted a while ago so we hope these strategies have been helpful and you are able to rest tonight.
We recognise you have a big day tomorrow as you transition back home. Hopefully you will have a safety plan you can work with.
Please rest up and reach out to hospital staff if you need support tonight.
It was so awful, @Chloe-RO.
I couldn't believe how distressed I was, and it made me sob for over an hour and a half. I did speak to a nurse in the end, but it was so hard. I hope that won't happen again once I get home.
I eventually stopped crying, so I went and had dinner, came back and started crying again. It did pass after some time again, but I just watched Jane the Virgin; I did cry a little bit in between, but not as bad as before.
I still feel it today, but I'm sure it will be okay. I'll have to tell my psychologist about it when I see him on Wednesday so we can work out why it made me so upset.
Yes, I'm in the process of getting to leave, so I'll be out by 9:30 ish.
I'll go home, unpack and then head to the Woolworths for food. I might try a bit of a painting this afternoon and finish off my assignment. I hope I won't be too upset when I get back, but I have some skills to cope, and I can always reach out for support if I need it.
Hi @Red_Flamingo ,
As hard as it was yesterday, it sounds like you have been proactive in planning your day today. It may seem small to “go to Woolworths”, but having this plan in itself is a protective factor. We read you also mentioned you’ll do some uni work and perhaps some painting? Well done for having this plan. It’s great to hear you now have some skills in your toolbox which you can utilise as needed.
All the best for today.
Thank you@Chloe-RO
I’m just on my way home now. I'm feeling a bit sad, scared and nervous. Maybe it will take a day or two to settle down. My tremors are getting worse in both hands.
I'll have to go see my GP next week.
Feelings of being scared and nervous may settle down as you say in a day or two @Red_Flamingo. We encourage you to follow up any concerns with your GP and your treating team in the community. And staying connected to the community of peers here on the Forums.
Hi @Pete-RO
Yeah, maybe they will. I had dinner last night with my friend, so that was nice.
I only have my GP and psychologist now. The psychiatrist I saw in the hospital is only an inpatient psych. I do have an appointment with a new one in January.
My friend said he might be going back home. So I won't be seeing many people for the next few weeks. I'm seeing my psychologist on Wednesday and my uncle on Sunday, and that's it. I have an exam on Friday. I'll also be talking to my regular at KHL on Tuesday. The people I am seeing are either professional or family. Not that it's a bad thing. I wish I could see other people.
I kept going over what happened on Friday with the girl at uni last night. That was the most pain I had felt in a while. It was so awful. I had a dream that we were going to be put in a room together for uni accommodation last night. I've been allocated a three-bedroom apartment, but I don't know who the other two students will be, and I had the worst dream that it was her. I wish I could just forget about it, but I can't stop thinking about it and how she hurt me so much.
It sounds like the incident with the girl from uni has been playing on your mind a lot @Red_Flamingo . We were wondering if you have implemented any strategies you spoke of earlier to help you through this difficult time? We know you mentioned art and painting. How is that going?
We hear that you want to stop thinking about the incident. Maybe it's about allowing yourself to think about and consider how you felt at that time as well as how it affected your behaviour? And then, link this back to the questions we posted earlier about challenging your thoughts? If you can't find it, here they are:
1. Questions that act as a reality check:
What is the evidence for and against my thinking?
Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
How can I find out if what I’m thinking is actually true?
2. Questions that seek alternative explanations:
Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
What else could this mean?
If I were being positive, how would I view the situation?
3. Questions that put things in perspective:
What’s the best thing that could happen?
Is there anything good about this situation?
Will this matter in five years’ time?
4. Questions that are goal-directed:
Is this way of thinking helping me to achieve my goals?
What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?
Perhaps it's about using the experience of thinking about the incident to benefit you?
Hi @Chloe-RO
I've been thinking about it all day. I was watching TV today, and someone mentioned abandonment. It made me spiral big time. I started sobbing for a bit, but I was alright after. I did some more painting and finished my assignment. I suppose the distraction was helpful to an extent. Yes, the painting is going well, thank you. I've been thinking about it so much I'm not sure how I can stop.
I'm confused by what you mean when you say how it affects my behaviour.
I don't see how it will ever benefit me. I was so upset. It wrecked that day, yesterday and today. It was the most amount of pain I had been in for three weeks. I have had some bad days while in the hospital, but this was on another level. I couldn't get up from the floor or anything. The pain was so intense. Maybe I am being dramatic, or you might think it's just something small, but to me, it's not. I've had so many issues with abandonment, rejection, being left out, and being ostracised since I was five years old, all the way to now 20. That's no small thing, and then seeing her and her asking me personal questions like she cared about me hurt. It just brought back all the pain from school, her and when my cousin wouldn't talk to me. It's like I'm driving people away.
I felt like something was trying to escape from me, but it couldn't, so I kept crying for a long time, and you tell me when you're in that low place, those two hours felt like a lifetime. It went so slowly. I was just way too overwhelmed. I hadn't felt that pain like that in a while. I usually have sadness and loneliness, but I hadn't felt the rejection, etc., pain since she rejected me in May, I think. There are a lot of built-up emotions there, I think, that came out.
I don't see how having all these feelings would make it seem like it's beneficial at all. I still feel myself crying on that bathroom floor on Friday. Just thinking about it and telling you makes me upset and want to cry. I also couldn't challenge any thoughts at the moment. It was far too hard. If I couldn't even get off the floor sobbing, I was not in the right mind to challenge my thoughts. Also, I have tried challenging my thoughts with a few psychs and my regular at KHL, but we have moved past that, as I'm not ready for that. I need to work on the things in my past before I can accept them and then be able to challenge how I think. I've tried a lot, and I go from saying that no one cares about me, wants me or loves me. To OMG, I'm amazing. It is quite challenging. Though I see where you are coming from.
I'm safe right now. I'm just watching Jane the Virgin, and then I'll go to bed. It's wired. I've taken my meds at the same time when in the hospital, but I'm still not tired yet. I'm normally well and truly asleep. I think I'm a bit anxious.
Hey @Red_Flamingo we hear how upsetting this whole experience has been for you. It sounds like this is a kind of pain you haven't experienced in a while and having it bubble to the surface has been really difficult for you yesterday and today. I'm really sorry to hear that your heart is hurting now.
We're going to send you an email to check in, could you keep an eye out for that?
Hi @Stormy-RO
I had my session with my psych today. I think it went well. He was pleased I put in effort by writing some things down that I wanted to talk about. I dismissed how he was appreciative, which he got me to realise. To make me notice that I ignored it because he was complimenting me. I really don't like people giving me compliments. They feel so weird, and I don't like them. They make me uncomfortable.
We talked about Friday and how it made me feel. He said it was understandable I would feel how I have been.
One time, I taped my foot on the floor, and he got me to notice it. I didn't even realise I did it, and to work out why I did that, I was feeling frustrated because of Friday.
I wish I could stop thinking about it all.
I've got my exam tomorrow for which I've barely studied. I'm a bit worried about it. I've had so much on my mind this week.
I will look forward to next Wednesday when I see my psych again. We had an hour and a half today. I could have spoken for way longer. I think it's going to be really good with this psych.
I actually cooked dinner tonight, so that's an achievement. I bought some Taylor Swift posters yesterday and put up two of them. I need some more 3M hooks. One of the frames broke, so I'll have to get a new one on the weekend.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling great tonight. I'm feeling very sad and down.
I'm trying so hard, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
I'm not sure how I will feel after the exam tomorrow. I know I could have tried harder to study, but it's been such a hard week I haven't been able to. I hope I can let myself relax a little bit. I just don't want to beat myself up over what's been happening.
I'm safe right now. I need to clean my room, and I'm just waiting for my washing to dry in the dryer, and I'll go to bed.
Sounds like there were some great achievements there today @Red_Flamingo . We're glad to hear that you are finding this psychologist quite helpful in helping you notice how you feel and how this affects your behaviour e.g. tapping, dismissing compliments. We can also see that you are making an effort to get the most out of these sessions. Would it help to write a few things down after each session?
We are glad you were able to talk about the events of last Friday. As you work with your psychologist, you may be able to reflect on Fri and see it from a different angle.
As for cooking, well done! Sure sounds like progress.
All the best with your exam tomorrow. As you said, you only need 30ish% to pass. So we wish you well.
I think it's good the progress I've made with him. I'm looking forward to next Wednesday already.
When you say to write things down, do you mean how I feel or what I thought of the session?
What do you mean by seeing Friday from a different angle?
It was very yummy. Thank you
@Chloe-RO Did my exam. It wasn't too bad. I did some study this morning, so that helped a bit.
I'm going to get the frames I need for the photos. One broke when I went to put everything together the other day. I would also like to get a canvas to do some more painting. I might post a photo of my next one if it's good. However, I wouldn't say I'm feeling that right now. I'm feeling quite sad, but hey, when am I not sad these days?
Are either of you free to chat?
I feel down and out right now and wouldn't mind some company.
I'm safe, though. I haven't had any SI thoughts since coming home, so that's good. I'm just very sad and alone.
Hey @Red_Flamingo ,
I've just read up on your posts and it sounds like you are feeling quite lonely at home. It seems to be something you are experiencing a lot more of lately. It is not uncommon for people to feel this way at times, especially if they live alone.
I know you like to keep busy with art, your beauty routine, listening to Taylor Swift, studying etc. Is there anything else you can think of so that you can feel less lonely at home? I know you mentioned you are going for a job interview soon. Perhaps the routine of a job may be helpful too. All the best for your interview. We will wait to hear how that goes.
Please have a good rest tonight.
Hi @Chloe-RO
Yes, I am. I need connection with my friend away. I don't have anyone right now.
I'm not sure. I'm also reading. I'm reading Icebreaker by Hannah Grace.
I have to call the interview about the job on Monday as the role is for 16 hours a week, so that's two days. However, with my uni schedule for next year, which I worked out a couple of days ago before finding out about the interview. If they need someone other than a Monday and Tuesday, I won't be able to accept the job. I don't really want this one, anyway. I think I'm pulling towards a casual admin job as I can work during the semester breaks. Compared to my old job, I was part-time but never got extra shifts when I asked.
I do have two other jobs I've applied for, and my application is so much better, too. I went through the position description, and I had all the skills for the two jobs. So, hopefully, one of them will turn out better.
I'm a little busy, I guess next week. I see my psych on Wednesday, family for a trivia night at a pub near where my uncle and aunt live, a GP appointment on Friday, and uni study for my two exams on the 13th and 14th. I'm also doing a summer unit, so I would like to start that tomorrow. I thought doing a unit over the summer would help keep me busy. The only downside is it's an online unit. So I won't meet anyone.
I am trying to get into dating. I'm talking to a couple of people on an app, but some of them have flaked on me. I hope I'll be able to meet someone soon.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could be happy with my life and how things are. I'm feeling a little better over the last week, but I'm still so sad. I'm happy I'm not suicidal or anything. It's nice that I don't feel that way right now. However, I still wish I could feel happy or even okay at this point. The sadness gets to a point, and it is so painful.
I'm probably going to head to bed now anyway.
If you're around tomorrow or whoever else is on, I would love a chat.
Having a small amount of connection, whether that be in-person or online.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
It's really positive that you are applying for some new jobs and we don't always go the first one we apply for so keep going with your applications and find more suitable roles like you mentioned.
I encourage you to continue to connect with your supports in the community and your family. Are you having your regular KHL Counsellor this weekend?
Connection can be important and we all have different degrees of needs and it's good that you are exploring new ways to meet people. Keep connecting with the Forums and people you know here too as the community is here to support you!
Take care
Hi @Pete-RO
Nice to hear from you.
Yeah, I've applied for a few jobs. I'll be calling the person tomorrow just to clarify about it.
No, I speak to my regular on Tuesday night.
Thanks
What is wrong with me? I wish I could have one day where I don't feel so sad and alone.
I'm crying, and I don't know why. I want this to stop. Why do things have to be so hard?
I'm safe. I'm just struggling a lot this afternoon.
I just want someone to talk to so I don't feel so alone.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
We are sorry to hear that you are emotional today and we understand that things are hard for you at the moment. Have you had your regular KHL Counsellor today or considered contacting Beyond Blue to speak with a Counsellor there and Lifeline?
Have you had a look at the Hobbies or Guess who game threads today? Posting on the Forums can be really worthwhile with people you know or tagging new people to connect.
Thank you for letting the Forums know tht you are safe.
Take care
Pete-RO
That's okay, thank you @Pete-RO
I've just been to Bunnings to get some stuff for my textured art I’m going to do when I get back to my dorm. However, I'll do it outside as I don't want the joint compound going all through my room. It's not very good to breathe in.
No, I haven't today. I'll talk to her on Tuesday.
I think I'll be okay I don't need to call them.
I hope that doing my art work will help me feel a bit better.
No I haven't looked at the other areas.
It's so hot today that I don't know how In going to cope this week with no aircon.
TW: SH
Why can't I just be happy or at least okay?
I'm crying over who knows what right now. I'm sad, and I don't know why. I've been like this for the past few days. Last week, I knew why I was sad because of what happened on the 27th, but nothing bad or good has happened, so fair. So I don't understand why I can't just stop crying.
Now, I'm saying that if I had been writing this six to eight months ago, even this time last year, I wouldn't have done anything, I wouldn't have done anything to try and distract myself, and I would have just SH. That's actually a good thing. I've grown and learned skills to cope better when something like that happens. I don't think I would have realised that if I hadn't started to write this now. Hmm, that's interesting.
However, saying this about the above and what has changed still doesn't take away the fact things are still not great. I've got a long road ahead of me. I am still crying ahhh 😭😩.
I have a few things I need to do, but my motivation is pretty low. I'm just not bothered to do anything, and I don't seem to care at this point. I do care, but I don't care at the same time. If I do feel things escalating, I'll reach out to KHL. I wish I could do something to make this pain go away. (I'm meaning something positive, not negative; I'm not suicidal). Everything is so hard, and I wish I could have one day where I'm not crying, feeling upset, sad, alone, worthless and so on, like you all probably know anyway.