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TW: Not okay, but that's okay
I've been doing a bit of reflecting lately about my mental health and I felt this could be useful to share for anybody who may be going through the same thing. Just a heads up, I will be talking about mental health struggles but I won't be going into details so please keep this in mind in case it may be triggering for you.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD for most of my life, even as a little kid with no idea what mental health was! Essentially, I've felt not okay for a very long time. I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive family who understands my mental health issues and will do anything and everything to support me. As great as that it is, it can also be difficult because I've felt that I have no reason to be not okay.
I've had psychologists in the past and I am very fortunate to have a psychiatrist at the moment who has prescribed anti-depressants and ADHD medication to help with my day-to-day functioning. I'm also studying a Bachelor of Psychology at the moment. What I'm learning right now is a lot of self-acceptance: I am not okay, but that's okay. This sounds really cynical and pessimistic, but I've found that acknowledging this has helped me to understand myself and my mental health struggles in a healthier way than I have in the past.
I've learned to accept that my brain really struggles to make and hold onto all the happy chemicals. I've learned to accept that I'm naturally just a bit of a sadder person than most people. I've explained it to others in the past like this: we all have ups and downs in our emotions but there's a line running through the middle of these - that's the 'okay line'. I have my ups and downs and okay line, but it's all moved down a bit lower than most people's. I've drawn a bit of a visual below - hopefully it makes sense.
What I've learnt is my okay line is a bit more in the sadder/down region. My ups aren't quite as high and my down's are a bit lower. This is something that I'm learning to live with. I've spent a lot of time being angry and sad about this, both working hard and feeling hopeless about 'fixing myself' to get my ups, downs and okay line aligned with the blue. Accepting that this may never be possible has helped me to work towards strategies that are more helpful in living with my mental health issues, such as giving myself more time to rest than my peers may take and being kind to myself about this. Basically, I can direct my energy towards functioning with my mental health issues rather than against it by trying to 'fix' myself.
I think we can all get a bit too focused on trying to find solutions to fix the problems when this isn't always necessary/possible or the best way to approach the problem! I often feel there is such an emphasis on being 'okay' when the reality is we all have different places where our okay line is. I can feel that I am not okay because my okay line isn't quite as high as the norm, and although this does mean I struggle a bit more with feeling sad, I'm learning to accept that my okay looks different to other's okay and that's okay! (I've said okay so many times, I'm sorry 😆).
Comments
Hey there @mw24
I like that you have redefined what the 'okay line', as well as the ups and downs, is for you as opposed to other people. This shows great self-awareness and shows that you are on a path of acceptance 🙂
I reallly like the visual you've provided, it makes so much sense and resonates with me highly. Thank you for sharing! 😊
Hey @mw24 I want to thank you for doing what some people are afraid of doing. This takes a lot of bravery in a world that can sometimes be so cruel to those who are struggling.
I really resonate with what you said about your family being supportive but also feeling as though you have no reason to 'not be okay'.
I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and also PTSD which was something that I really struggled to wrap my head about. I also have many ADHD and OCD tendencies and as I'm getting older, I've also noticed a lot of behaviours and thoughts that can be drawn to autism. But I am in no way saying that I do have those, they're purely observations I've made, as well as some close friends and family.
But part of me really struggled to understand that it's okay to not be okay. Sometimes you can just be feeling a bit sad, but also to accept that sometimes things happen and as a result, I feel sad.
For the most part, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at 'managing my sadness' and I find that speaking to my close friends and family definitely help to pull me out of it. Even a quick text from my Mum can improve my day by 10000%.
Again, everyone at ReachOut is here for you and well done for speaking about this 💕😊
Hi @mw24
Thank you for sharing and good on you for accepting things as okay even when they aren't perfect, that's already a big feat.
I will admit that I am maybe what some people would call a "totally average" human being, and by that I mean that I'm fortunate enough to not be diagnosed with any mental health issues or concerns, nor do I think I am suffering from any (but undiagnosed). However, as a "normal" (for lack of better expression, I hate to use that term, because it isn't like you guys are not normal, or everyone is the same) person being surrounded by some friends who do suffer from mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, I always found myself minimising and reducing my problems. To me, it always felt like it was unfair, unnatural and incomparable to complain about my issues when what they are going through I probably could not imagine, and thus I always held this view that my issues would pale in comparison and that I probably shouldn't be complaining since my situation is nowhere near as bad. However, as you said, (and showed in that amazing diagram haha), everyone's okay line is a bit different, and this was something that I learnt about myself only recently, and so now my perspective has changed to even though my problems aren't as big as other people's, it doesn't mean my problems don't exist. And of course, the first step to fixing a problem is to recognise that the problem exists to begin with.
To me, it is important to remember that in these down times (below your "okay line"), it is okay to take some time for yourself, and to be a little selfish to prioritise your self care and your effort towards returning towards this "okay line". By selfish I don't mean in the traditional sense, but for example, you planned to go out to meet some friends but you aren't feeling the best. It's okay to cancel and to take the time for yourself to rest and recover from whatever is bogging you down.
I think it is great that you can have this new perspective on how to manage your bad times, that indicates growth and that's what we're all here to do. I hope you keep growing and keep getting better, and hopefully you can manage to be above the okay line more often than below in the near future and beyond!
Hello @Sloth ,
I really resonate with your comments on minimising and reducing your problems as it felt unfair or incomparable, but from a perspective of someone who previously has experienced depression and anxiety. Sometimes, through peak depressive stages, I felt as though my problems were unfair or incomparable to others in a similar position as they may not have been as 'bad' or 'severe' as other people.
I think it is important to recognise that every person has their own problems and they are valid. I am so glad to hear that you have recognised this as it took me a long time to acknowledge, and I am still trying everyday to continue to recognise this 😊
Thank you for sharing your experience @Sloth . I really like how you've recognised that your problems exist and are valid! Whether we suffer from mental health issues or not, we all have times where we feel low and it's so important to recognise this and take some time to work back towards our individual okay lines.
Hey @mw24
Thanks so much for sharing! I’ve also struggled with mental illness and neurodivergence from childhood, so I really appreciate your perspective.
I feel like I had this idea that I would become a person who can function normally and who feels normally once I recovered. When that didn’t happen, I felt like I was disappointing the people around me because I couldn’t return to happy person I pretended to be.
I think it’s so important to realise that you can exist as you, without needing to be fixed or changed. It’s alright if you feel differently than other people so long as you’re okay with it and you’re not purposely hurting anyone. In the end, you’re the only person that has to be you, so you really do get to decide on your own definition of okay.
I found that happiness is so much more precious to me because I don’t experience it often. I also seem to enjoy seeing other people happy significantly more than other people. Maybe it’s just a bit novel to me. Have you experienced a similar thing?
I really hope that you continue to progress in your journey and can see the beauty in your experience of the world!
@Lapis_Anteater I'm still struggling with feeling happy, but I do enjoy seeing other people having special happy moments. Even though it can make me feel sad and lonely as I don't usually experience this myself, it is still heartwarming.
Hi mw24 🩵
thankyou so much for opening up and providing us with such an insightful diagram! it definitely does make sense, and I think it's a great message. not only is everyone's 'okay line' different, I think everyone's timeline is also different. our duration of being up or down varies greatly from person to person, and at times it can feel like we are falling way behind others when really we are just moving at our own pace.
I also love how you mentioned that it's not something to 'fix', but rather something to accept and embrace. 🥰