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TW: Suicidal Ideation, Stalking, Restraining Order, Racial Vilification

Hey,

 

I'm doing it really tough again. I found a job that I want to apply for, and it's at a supermarket. I am hoping that I do get this job, as it will give me the confidence, financial security and social stability that my family and JobSeeker could never provide for me. I have no real opinion on myself, no one in my family wants me living with them, and I am always looking in the wrong places for love. And when I say that I am always looking in the wrong places for love in particular, I look for men who are either unavailable, are ready to take advantage of me, or both. In my previous appointment with my psychiatrist, about a fortnight ago, I burst into tears over a man who I previously had feelings for. This man, who I have previously posted on here about, has a restraining order against me, and it is there for life. He is 55, and I am only 25. The restraining order is there because I stalked him. I wanted to ask him out on a date, but I did not have the confidence to do as such in fear of facing rejection. That is seriously what happened. And if I want the order gone, I, along with this man, have to state good enough reasons to want it gone. I also cannot express my suicidal ideation to anyone, so I won't bother with trying to get the restraining order removed. I also spoke with my Kids Helpline counsellor this afternoon about my mother and her psychotic ways when she drinks and gambles, as she was behaving in this manner this afternoon. She was abusing my father, spitting out similar things to what she tells me on a regular basis, completely destroying what was left of my confidence. She said: 'you're a bum,' 'you've never got any money,' 'get out of my house,' and 'black c-word.' My father is a hard worker and does on-call work as well for a water utility company. So if he wants to spend some of his pay on the poker machines and alcohol, why not (although I do think he needs assistance with managing that - along with is lifestyle a bit better!) I have never felt good enough for my mum, and to be honest with you all, I no longer feel like I can tell her anything, because she uses it against people. I no longer love her, nor respect her. I'd like to leave home now, but then I would be rendered homeless. I've also had to give up my dream of studying Year 12 because of my family dynamic at this place that I am supposed to call home. I feel sick, worthless and unloved to the core.

-pringles-
-pringles-Posted 04-06-2023 08:14 PM

Comments

 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 04-06-2023 09:16 PM

Dear @-pringles- ,

 

I hear you how tough you have been having it lately. It sounds like trying to stay afloat right now requires incredible effort. I'm so sorry to read that there are many things that have not gone your way so far, including your dream of completing Year 12, and finding someone you love and loves you in return.

 

It must be so hard not be able to speak to your mother about what is happening. As I read that you want to leave home, is this something you are working towards? It may not happen over night, but there is support out there if this is truly what you are looking for.

 

I hear that at this time, you feel unloved and do not feel that your home is home. Yet please know you are not alone. You have the entire RO community around you.

 

I encourage you to practice some self-care tonight, and also, look out for an email coming your way.

 

Please take care.

 

 

 
 
-pringles-
-pringles-Posted 04-06-2023 09:39 PM

Hi @Chloe-RO ,

 

Thank You for your resposne. I am definitely looking for additional support when it comes to moving out of home. I am Aboriginal if this helps. I honestly don't know what kind of support is out there.

 

I saw your email as well. I am doing OK at the moment. I think I will go to bed soon. 

 

 
 
 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 04-06-2023 10:42 PM

Hi @-pringles- ,

 

There are definitely services to support you including:

NSW https://achl.org.au/

VIC https://ahvic.org.au/

WA https://noongarmiamia.com.au/

 

Let me know if you want any other state-specific housing support.

 

All the best. Remember to look after yourself tonight. That is a priority.

 
 
 
 
-pringles-
-pringles-Posted 05-06-2023 04:21 PM

Hey @Chloe-RO ,

 

Thank You for this information, but unfortunately I am based in South Australia!

 

I have some great news that I would like to share with you - that is, mum phoned AA today. I am going to be taking her to her first meeting on Saturday night! She seems pretty keen to go, so hopefully she will still feel that way come Saturday evening!

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