TW: Hate my love handles and it's really pissing me off
Sorry this post is gonna sound kinda aggressive, but I'm just super annoyed rn bc I keep hating my body (my love handles mainly) and it just feels unfair bc I don't know why I need to hate my body so much. It's genuinely reached the point where I feel like the only answer is to lose the weight, and then I'll just feel better about myself and it feels so unfair and bs. I know this bc I've been in a position where I've lost a bunch of weight and gained a bunch of muscle and you just get tons of compliments and appraisal, which sounds good but then you realise it just reinforces in you that the inverse means ur not doing well enough which I think is dumb. Like my health isn't even necessarily bad, I've had doctors appointments and there's nothing wrong with me. The only thing I feel bad about is the excess body fat I have, but why do I need to lose it to feel better about myself? It's just so stupid bc it just feels like a societal pressure you can't escape, like the only answer is to just get fit and then you'll finally feel like you're good enough or dateable or whatever (just overall validated). If you're not fit then you need to spend hours doing mindfulness or acceptance or whatever to attempt to feel any sort of peace, but even with all the practice and mental gymnastics you just end up back at square one.
I'm making an effort to stop binge eating which is a positive but in the meantime I'm still stuck with my body. And even so it just annoys me that I'm gonna start feeling better bc I'll probably end up losing weight again, which means yet again my self esteem is conditional on how much body fat I have (well not entirely but it's a big part of it).
. It's to the point I'm just constantly self conscious when I'm out in public alone and it's like why does it need to be like this. It's probably also linked to me feeling down about being single and feeling like no one will wanna go out with me bc of how I look, but I feel like that's unfair if it is true. People say physical attraction plays a big part so doesn't that mean I'm just screwed? Then they say 'beauty is subjective' but I feel like the majority would just not find me attractive.
Sorry I'm getting super existential atm I'm in a period where I'm trying to accept myself as I am but it just isn't clicking for me, like I do genuinely need to 'improve' in order to get what I want. But the things I feel like I need to 'fix' in myself I can't see why they're logically important. It just feels superficial and shallow to want to lose body fat to feel better about yourself, but that honestly feels like the only way to not feel horrible about your appearance. Idk this is probably the least optimistic post I've made but I thought I'd just blurt my thoughts out on here and see if anyone has any ideas. I just wanna be ok with how I look tbh but nothing seems to be working. I'm just scared that the truth might be that I will always feel dissatisfied so long as I have my love handles and excess body fat. I have a fake diaphragm and medical complications from when I was born so I'm worried that I just have a really high tendency to build up fat in that area, and hence they'll never go away. I really don't think it's sustainable to only be ok with yourself when you're fit, but how the hell are you meant to be ok with yourself when you're not??
Comments
Hey @Mint_Crane, I get that it feels frustrating to hate how your body looks, and it's especially frustrating when, because of cultural and societal norms and standards about what is "attractive" or "good looking", there's a lot of pressure to want to look a certain way. Also when your body naturally doesn't look the way that society says it "should" look, and you need intense exercise or dieting to look that way, that can make it even more frustrating.
One thing I try to remind myself is that yes, you may get some more compliments if you lose weight or gain muscle but is that worth the stress to get in that position, if your health is already fine and it is societal pressure that is making you feel like you need to look this way? How much would your life really be better compared to the way it is now if you changed how your body looks? Realistically, it probably wouldn't change that much, not to mention the potential negative mental health effects of intense exercise and dieting.
Also, as you said, you exercise and have been trying to reduce your binge eating and according to the doctor your health is fine. So I'd suggest to focus on your health (to a safe extent, without becoming obsessive) rather than your appearance - your body may or may not change following these behavioural changes, and either way it's okay.
Also that's really good insight that there's a link between feeling insecure about being single and self-critical about your appearance. If you watch movies and TV shows it can really start to feel like only attractive people get into relationships, but one thing I've started doing is to notice couples out and about and to remind myself that not everyone who is in a relationship looks the way that society deems to be attractive. Also, this may sound strange but so many people who are conventionally attractive may not have developed the level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness that you have. They may not need to develop a rich personality because people only see them for their looks. If you have learnt from a younger age to accept your appearance, I think you will have a more rich personality and a better ability to accept your body throughout your life. At least that's what I tell myself when I find myself feeling jealous of attractive people!
I feel similarly to you regarding the fear that you will always have fat in a certain area potentially because of medical complications from birth - I have the exact same problem, and it causes a lot of frustration and despair at times. However, on the other hand, that is a reminder to be kind to yourself - this seems to be out of your control, and while it can cause a lot of distress, it is the way it is.
As you said, acceptance is the best way to deal with this situation. You said that you fear always being dissatisfied with your appearance, but I encourage you to practise radical acceptance - you are worthy exactly as you are, regardless of how your body looks, or if you're in a relationship, or any other external factors. You are a worthy human.
I hope this helps!
Hey @Mint_Crane,
I hear you, and I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re going through a lot, trying to balance what you want for yourself with all these external pressures and internal struggles. It must be really tough to feel stuck in a cycle where your worth seems to be tied to your body image, even when you know it’s not the whole story. On this note, I also want to acknowledge the courage it must have taken to open up on the ReachOut forums. 💛
I completely understand why you’re feeling frustrated. The pressures from society to look a certain way can make everything feel so much harder, especially when they’re constantly reinforcing the idea that you need to look different to feel better. And when you do make changes and still feel like it’s not enough, it just reinforces the cycle of feeling like you're not good enough. At least it did for me in the past, and on occasion still pops up in my mind.
It’s also really difficult when you’re working on things like overcoming binge eating and trying to improve your relationship with yourself, but the focus still feels so much on your appearance. As @Bel_RO mentioned, I also think that a helpful way forward would be to contact The Butterfly Foundation or even the Peer Chat service available through ReachOut. Coming from someone who has also experienced hardship around eating habits and body image, something I also found helpful was connecting with a psychologist through my GP. Each session attended has helped me to better navigate the challenging thoughts and feelings that overwhelm my mind at times.
All in all, it sounds like you’re doing your best, though, and even though it doesn’t feel like it now, that’s something to be really proud of. Something I found helpful when I'm feeling overwhelmed about my appearance is practicing self-compassion. Even small acts of self-care help to ground me and reinforce my worth. They range from going on walks outside to phoning a friend up for a chat about my day. Do you think there's anything you can do to take care of yourself in the meantime?
Please know that the ReachOut community will always be here to listen and support you. Wishing you nothing but the best. 💛
Hey @Mint_Crane welcome back! 😊
From what I can read, you have identified a really powerful contradiction in the way you view your body and the way it is impacting your mental health. I can see that while you realise that changing your body could make you feel better, you also realise that this in turn makes you feel worse, as you don't want your physical attractiveness to be such a huge factor in your self-worth. Your comment "I'm trying to accept myself as I am but it just isn't clicking for me" is really powerful and shows that you have already taken a huge step towards contemplating a future without these feelings. That can take more time and thought than we realise, and I wanted to congratulate you on that ❤️
Health check ups can be quite daunting and overwhelming for many young people. In your post you noted that you have had some positive health check-ups, I was wondering how that makes you feel? Tackling binge eating is a massive step and you should be really proud of yourself! I feel like it can be easy to underestimate something like that. I was curious to know if there was anything other than your weight that impacted this huge decision?
It can be helpful to connect with those you trust about what you’re going through, so I am wondering if you’ve spoken to any friends or family? I also want to share this thread here on body image that you might find relatable and helpful. Body image can be incredibly complicated and it may be worth looking beyond the community for even more support. The Butterfly Foundation has a chat service which you might find supportive if you want to talk about this in real time. You're right that changing your body is not always the right answer and they are experts on that topic 😄
I also wanted to let you know that we added a TW to your post and made some edits so your writing aligns with our community guidelines and making sure that other users can engage in this topic when they're ready 😊
Thanks @Bel_RO
Sorry if the original message didn't align with the guidelines. I was in a low headspace and entered hyper-vent-mode so I wasn't super courteous of how my words might be perceived, I appreciate you keeping it up with the edits tho.
In terms of why I chose to focus on binge-eating less, I realised that at the end of the day I was stuck in an eat-shame cycle where I'd binge something one night, then feel like I'm gonna be stuck with my weight and hence feel horrible and wanna keep binge eating. The reason I never really focussed on tackling that part was for the reasons I kinda outlined in the post, deep down it felt like the only reason I wanted to stop was to lose weight which I felt was unfair. I guess it feels like I'm lying to myself by saying 'I'm doing this for health', like I never really felt the positive effects of eating healthily (or I guess the relief of binge eating superseded it), so it was always obvious to me that I was just eating this way to look better. Also as I said, I don't believe I'm necessarily unhealthy. Anyway at this point I'm just not overthinking it and choosing to not binge eat, even when I get the thoughts/feelings that I'm doing it to look better I just acknowledge and ignore them.
And yeah that butterfly foundation site looks like something I'll check out. I have talked to some friends/family but the problem is they all kinda have similar issues, so I never really feel like I get any satisfying support. Thanks for your support tho I really appreciate it, have a great night 🙏
