What is this?

I (24 F) always identified myself as straight, even though most of the male crushes I had were fictional. I have never had any interest in women.

I was trying to read a BL, but I was worried about being misogynistic.

So I decided to look at a few forums and I stumbled on other forums and other sources about experiences about being a lesbian.

I decided to read a GL:

I read the first chapter and I began to have nightmares and intrusive thoughts, to the point where I couldn’t sleep alone.

I also started to look up book covers of the manga, YouTube videos of women kissing each other, women (celebrities) in sexy clothes, Yuri porn, AI girlfriend chatbots , looking at lesbian dating apps, and started having intrusive thoughts of kissing women or having sex with them to confirm my orientation.

I looked up other forums to see if my orientation has changed. My sister said that sexuality is fluid but I saw other forums say that the statement was homophobic.

I am muslim so there might be societal pressure as well but I have been depressed, sometimes to the brink of tears.

I have lost interest in drawing, learning Japanese and a lot of my previous hobbies and I have lost interest in men and forming relationships with both men and women, to the point where my whole routine and goals are being ignored.

What should I do?

I am not having intrusive thoughts at night and I am smiling at certain dreams (kissing and having sex with women). I am having intrusive thoughts at other times and sometimes I get anxious. One time, I had an intrusive thought of kissing my friend and I cried in the surgery. Some of my thoughts feel real (like marrying women, kissing them and touching them ). I sometimes feel calm and sometimes I am indifferent, which scares me

I still look up images (sexy or not) of women and the results vary from anxious to feeling nothing. I don't know if I am a lesbian or if I got desensitised to the whole thing. One time, I looked up porn and a few hours or so later I went to the bathroom to test and started laughing and crying.

I have these intrusive thoughts at work (I never felt this way before) where I would get nervous around women and I don't know why it started.

I did a quiz on wikihow on am I lesbian and when I did it, it said I was attracted to women and when I saw the comments, one of them said that one sign is having mainly women friends and male fictional characters and I kept using chatgpt and other forums to reassure myself.

When I watch certain shows like Mr Bean, I stop thinking about this and I feel better, which worries me because I wonder if these thoughts are genuine if a TV show is able to distract me

I had my therapy session and I mentioned sometimes I go onto forums to explore the possibility of OCD and they said I might have it or not and I am worried because I wonder what if I don't and I am in denial of everything.

I just want my old life back (before the intrusive thoughts). If I stop the compulsions, will the intrusive thoughts go away?

I feel "excited", an urge to smile and anxeity like I am enjoying my thoughts but I still look depressed. When someone mentions I look depressed I lose it and start crying

I went out with my sister on the train to a cafe and I couldn't stop staring at all of the women to see if I was attracted to them.

When I arrived to the cafe, I had fun but when I went back on the train, I had an intrusive thought about my best friend, resting my head on her shoulder wondering if I had a stronger relationship than I thought. I texted her which I regretted and cried on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I looked at some forums for answers but everyone called me gay ( I didn't act maturely though). My sister asked why I was afraid of being gay but I don't know why since she and my parents would be supportive. I don't have any wrong with the LGBT community (earlier I didn't mind being bi or ace) but I got defensive when someone calls me bi or gay and I don't know why 

I was fine on Monday but today, I saw an old friend (she lives nearby) and I had thoughts of having sex with her (never felt this before) and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I looked at other forums for answers but I got upset. During volunteering, I still looked up answers about this. Near the end, I noticed my surroundings but when I went out, the intrusive thoughts came back and I got anxious, to the point of gagging at some of my thoughts. When my mother mentioned sexuality, I started crying again. When I watch TV shows or games I feel better but some games like Muse Dash (as fun as it is), trigger some feelings due to the character designs (and I get anxious or "attracted to them that I didn't feel before).