everything's too much all at once (tw: anxiety, depression, mentions medication)
hello. first post, hope this is the right forum to put it under
ever since i stopped medication a few months ago (not 'cold turkey', i talked to my gp about it), things have been slowly falling downhill. i often joke about my problems being a shopping list, but honestly at this point they may as well be.
i'm worried about my university degree and whether what im doing right now is the correct path, worried about if i'll even be employed in the future/if im doing enough to improve my chances (getting an internship, work experience... i have none of these). im worried about my ability to be an adequate director, meeting deadlines and looking after my team. i'm in a perpetual state of being anxious about my health, been told i'm very close to developing ocd from this and i have upcoming appointments to handle a problem that may or may not be serious. my social skills are horrible and i've realised i can barely talk to people as friends because of hypervigilance constantly making me look out for the slightest signs of judgement. worried about if i'll ever be able to visit my partner overseas (it's been nearly 4 years and we still haven't been able to meet...), worried about world events, parents not accepting me as being trans, worried about me not knowing half the things people my age should know/be capable of doing (i can't cook for one, something i really should know), and i know for a fact i'm gonna remember more later & want to edit this post to reflect them. so many of these problems seem small and insignificant enough on their own that i don't feel justified in venting them to other people - 'that's nothing to worry about, just do xyz', except im paralyzed in place from how fearful i am of doing anything at all.
every day i feel like the smallest thing could make me start crying uncontrollably - other days i have intense pressure on my head, probably from stress, and other days i deal with hours long anxiety attacks that cripple my productivity and make me feel even worse. old things i enjoyed feel like a chore and i can't make myself do anything at all, not unless there's some deadline or mark attached. nothing feels worth it to me in life, even my prior dreams and aspirations are all muddled and i can't tell what i want anymore.
i really do not want to start medication again, but whatever im trying right now isn't entirely working. i'm in contact with a psychologist from university, but we usually can only meet every 3 weeks or so, and usually maybe 3-5 more issues pop up in just that small amount of time. i've taken their advice and tried some of the things suggested - up until something else happens and my motivation to improve myself crashes. i've started tracking my mood, and in general it looks really really bad. i know life's always changing and there's always new things to discover/do, but in my case it feels like every single thing is happening at once and i don't know what to do anymore, i just want to have a few weeks where nothing happens and i can figure out where the hell to go from here - but alas, life's not that nice is it?
Comments
so, bit of an update
still feeling overwhelmed - my mind's generally torn between all of my obligations, my career planning & future (including what to do with my degree still) and various health concerns
it doesn't feel like i'm allowed to stop worrying about any of these, because then something could happen and i wouldn't know how to handle myself - especially with the health things, as i've convinced myself i'm going to have some serious illness in the future (whether that be near of far, no idea)
mood tracker's indicated it's gotten worse over the last week and im not that sure of why, seems like small things cause massive breakdowns these days
Hi @malb
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear that you've still got a lot on your plate. I hear you, it is hard to stop thinking about all these different things when they are all important and still matter as much as they did before. Considering the situation, is there any way that you can try to be kind to yourself during this time so that you can have some moments that are filled with less overwhelm? It sounds like an incredibly tough situation to be in 
hi taylor, thank you for the response. it's unfortunately gotten significantly worse in the time i'm away, to the point where i don't really know what to even do/how to function day to day. i'm drafting up an update post right now to talk about this.
Hi @malb,
Thank you for reaching out tonight. I wanted to let you know that I have responded to your update on your newest thread 💜
Hey @malb
Welcome to the online community and for sharing how you're feeling with us. You've done great and posted in the right place, and put in appropriate TWs - you're a pro already!
I can definitely understand why you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment, that's a whole lot to be coping with at once! It's really awesome that you've reached out for some support.
When it comes to worrying about uni and future, those fears are so valid but you're defintitely not alone in those thoughts. I think pretty much everyone that's studied has felt similar pressures and confusion. So I hope you know it's not something you're struggling with on your own. What are you studying and what are your goals?
Oh wow, it must be so difficult not to see your partner for so long! But so amazing that you've been able to stay together for so long regardless of the distance, you must have a really strong bond. How do you keep in touch? Do you have any plans to meet up in the future?
You've mentioned that you slowly came off your medication with the help of your GP recently, was there a reason why you decided you wanted to stop taking them? Do you think it would be worth chatting to your GP about how you're feeling now and discussing whether trying them again or a different medication might be an option?
That's great that you're able to see your uni psychologist every 3 weeks, but I can understand that you'd prefer to see them more often. Is asking to see them more regularly an option? Headspace is another service that might be an option for you to look at too. They offer free support with mental health professionals over the phone and via webchat. They also have career specialists too that might be helpful with how you're feeling about uni etc as well.
hi Iona!
currently i'm studying a dual degree of computer science and actuarial studies. unfortunately i've done the thing everyone tells you not to do - pick a degree solely based on how high of an atar you got. i'm at the end of my 2nd year and just had the realisation that i genuinely cannot see myself in a role that would use my actuarial degree more than cs. the problem is my parents (and a little bit myself too) consider actuarial as being my backup plan if my goal of landing a job in cs doesn't play out, but i'm struggling to determine if i really want to study a subject i frankly have little to no interest in for another 2 years.
we talk to each other regularly (as much as we can - a 10 hour time difference is pretty massive), though we've both been busy with commitments on either end as of late so it's been a bit difficult. no concrete plans as of yet, i would very much like to work something out but it's been hard between everything that's happening
it was largely due to me reading up about potential long term problems with medication if one decided to come off them later in life - i had been on them for nearly 2 years when i decided to stop, and that was the time frame i heard where if you exceeded it became quite difficult. it's mostly this fear that if i want to stop them again in the future and find myself unable to that prevents me from wanting to use them again. i'd also like to try to find something that doesn't necessarily require medical intervention in the form of medication, if that makes any sense.
unfortunately more frequent meetings aren't possible. i've been considering headspace, but i didn't know what they also had career specialists - i'll definitely have a look into that, thank you!
Hi @malb
Choosing what to study is a really tough choice. It is okay to change your mind, especially after doing some classes and finding out more about what the field is like. It can be hard to envision that type of stuff when you are simply choosing a course based off the description. What do you think you need to make your decision?
You mentioned learning about the long term problems with the medication you were taking. Were you able to discuss these concerns with your doctor? The internet has a lot of information but your doctor can help you make an informed decision based off your circumstances. You also mentioned wanting to find something without the use of medication. Do you mean things like talk therapy? Counselling sessions?
I am sure you have heard this before but it is true, everyone moves at a different pace in life. I know it is hard to not judge yourself but it sounds like you have a lot going on right now and that can impede some of your goals or ability to do things, like cooking, figuring out aspirations and dealing with daily life struggles. Some people don't have those pressures and every single person in the world is entirely different ❤️
Hi Taylor,
I haven't discussed with my doctor largely as I'm not too sure if they're well versed in SSRIs in general. I'm also honestly not the most comfortable with sharing how I feel since I'm a bit afraid of being judged/not taken seriously enough. For something without medication, yeah talk therapy, counselling - basically building up a toolbox & learning to help myself for the long term.
Thank you - it's really hard because a lot of things are pretty time sensitive (oppertunities only available in a short timeframe, assignments, deadlines from work & other sources). I'm just really tired at this point, my perception of my own wants have been muddled to the point where I don't really know what i want out of life anymore. kinda makes it hard to live day to day life when you don't have a goal you're really working towards, or at least one you feel is worthwhile
Hi @malb
I'm sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time with uni stuff, it can feel very overwhelming when you have a hectic study load.
It's really good that you are working towards building a mental health toolbox for yourself 💜 For mine, I've got go-to music and movies that shift my mood, as well as some self-care stuff like going for a walk and patting dogs along the way. Here are a bunch of self-care tips in case you're interested.
With your previous conversations with your doctor, was there something that happened that made you think that they were not well versed in the medication?
Having more regular sessions with a psychologist sounds like a good plan - Would you feel comfortable talking to your doctor about getting a mental health plan?
Hi Dem, thanks for the link - I'll have a look when i can
I don't quite think it's their field of expertise? Early on I had brought up my issues with one of my doctors, and whilst I was referred to a psychologist nothing really came out of it and it took an er visit before I was able to properly get some help.
I think I could talk to them about a mental health plan, but its sort of the same reasoning as above
Hi @malb
I see why you might be thinking that it is not your doctor's field of expertise. You don't want to feel that way when seeking support. It also makes thinks tricky for you, especially when you are trying to get to the bottom of things. Would you consider a referral to someone like a psychiatrist? Often they know a lot more about medication.
Also, I hear you about the mental health treatment plan, especially considering your other experiences. Often it is a stepping stone to seeing someone like a psychologist, after you get the referral itself. You can also see a psychologist without a mental health treatment plan but it would be at the full fee price.
hi taylor, this is currently a work in progress, although the referral + mental health care plan my gp sent to the clinic i was suggested to work with doesn't seem to have responded just yet.
Hi malb,
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Don't worry, I think this is the right place to post, and I'm glad you reached out!
I feel like a lot of your worries are valid, but it seems to me that you may be too hard on yourself. My perception is that few people are on top of things all the time, and that's it's ok to take things one at a time at your own pace and not overly judge yourself for it. Think of treating yourself the way you would a treat friend: Would you throw all these worries/judgements on them all at once? Also give yourself deserved praise and recognition for improvements or things you have done well recently, no matter how small they may be. Nonetheless, I understand that it is still a difficult time and situation, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
Additionally, I want to ask, could it be possible that your workload is too heavy? It sounds like you want a few weeks to yourself, and it sounds like perhaps a reason for what you're feeling may be due to overwhelming workload. Would it help for you to discuss with your university's academic advisor/psychologist to see if an arrangement can be worked out to give you more time and space?
As for the psychologist you are seeing, it sounds like there is too much of a time gap between sessions. Is it possible to ask for more sessions or find a psychologist that can give your more time and help?
I hope this has helped. 🙂
-Greenfern
hi Greenfern, thanks for the answer & the kind words.
it's a bit funny, actually - about two months ago my workload was astronomically large, and my current workload is still quite a bit but not anything near as bad. i feel like it's a bit more a matter of lots of things outside of academics/workload occuring, that prevent me from finishing my work in time and hence piling on the stress.
unfortunately with how the service is provided, i don't think my psychologist is able to book me in more frequently. they have suggested that if i feel like i need more frequent checkins i should look for someone in the community, though im not quite sure how to properly do that as of right now.
Hi @malb
It sounds like stress is getting in the way of getting your uni work completed. I have totally been there myself! It can be hard to manage so many different things all at once. We have an article on stress management that you might like to have a read of, it has some different things you can try 😊
I know someone above has linked you to Headspace which is a really great service. You can also find your own psychologist here, if you like.
