struggling a bit/ vent {TW?}
I've been trying to find a job for over a year now and haven't been able to find one. and now since i now doing UNI its even worse due to my availability. I need to leave this house ASAP before i can get better. its starting to look like a need to go to a different town/city to even have a chance of getting a job and a place to live but i cant go to a new place without getting new support workers or anything.
I'm just in this cycle of wanting to get better but cannot due to still living with my mother. the more and more i stay here it is only going to get worse. i don't have the money to rent myself a place even with other people unless its under 180$ and even then i will struggle.
I had a fight with my mother yesterday over the most stupidest thing again.
and it just kept getting worse.
if i continue still the same outcome . My support worker finally saw one of the bad fights. its not physical. hasnt been for years but its still verbal.
She thought that she could get my support worker on her side by bitching about one of my friends buying me a plane ticket as if i didn't tell my support worker. they offered me the ticket and it took me a few days to answer.
my mother said something that i cant remember what. and i answered something with "are you not the one telling me to be independent" then she asks me if i got the text about my new NDIS plan and i said no because i have never gotten texts and for me it has only come in the mail. and she now refuses to tell me what it is, and tells me to talk to my support coordinator which she working until Tuesday.
and it kept going even when i wasn't talking. i was ready to throw a something at her if she kept on going
the best way to explain the feeling as if the string that's holding it all together is about to snap.
after i got back from going out with my support worker (as stupid as this sounds) she threw my food out that i was going to eat when i come back and i told her to shut the fuck up. so she said fine im calling the police. so i left for abit. i come back and shes tryign to put in a missing persons report. and telling me the mental health team will be here, i told her they wont. and they did not come.
most of my trauma is from her. She has been physically abusive in the past as well as verbally abusive. calling the cops on me from defending myself from her and getting threatened to get charged for adult from the police. mind you i was only 14 and younger with that.
all the physical stuff stopped when i was in grade 9ish and turned to verbal or blocking my way out from a room because i wouldnt tell her what i talked to my phycologist about. she told me it was my fualt for how she acted as i was a "bad kid" i was 9-14 years old i was a child.
. on top of that im autistic lvl2 with adhd aswell. yes it was shitty for you but why take it out on me when i clearly wasn't coping ? yes she was trying her best but it still doesnt excuse her for what shes done. shes lied and twisted my words to make me seem bad. aswell as other people. i cant help but think shes lied about so many other things
and thats just the stuff i remember. i cant remember alot.
i just need to get out but i have no where to go. no money to keep me up. and i cant even find a job where i live. im kind of just screwed at this point unless i take my best friends offer and get a house with her but even then i dont know how i will do. i live on 620 per fortnight and even now i pay 400per fortnight including things. i dont have any other family members, other then my sister but she has room mates so i cant live with her.
Comments
I want to thank you for your post 🙂
After reading your post, I want to take a moment to commend you on the strength and resilience you have shown. These experiences are something no one should ever have to go through, and I want you to know that the whole community is here to support you on this journey.
I want you to be incredibly proud of where you are and everything you've done to look after yourself during this time. I can see that your own well-being is the most important thing to you, and it's amazing to see.Your resilience and determination really stand out in your post. Despite what you have experienced from your mother, you have been able to look after yourself and focus on your wellbeing, which is really amazing to see, and something you can be proud of.
I also want you to know that none of the experiences you have been through with your mother have ever been your fault. Your mother's actions are not a representation of who you are, either. you are more than your experiences.
I am wondering if you have been able to communicate with anyone about what has been happening recently. This could be other family members, friends or even professional support such as a counsellor or your support worker?
I'm also wondering if you have any self-care practices that help you after confrontations with your mother, which help you feel better?
Again, I want to thank you so much for your post and for expressing what has been happening for you recently, i can imagine it can be very challenging and i want to commend you on this too. Please keep an eye out for an email we are sending you 🙂
The community is here to support you.
hey @Zig_RO 
Thank you. i feel so much anxyity about even saying any of this due to past experiencses. and feel i am in half the wrong, because my mother isnt always a bad person sometimes shes really nice and is there for me and does try her best.
Like some of it now isnt her falt since i am an adult now and i still dont really help around the house. i just want to stay in my room play my games and not be in contact with her.
i usaly talk to my online friends about whats happening sometimes, not about everthing since i dont want to tire them. ive been geting better at asking my friend to talk and just chat with her. instead of dealing with it by myself
i have no other family members. maybe my older sister but shes a 50/50 chance she picks up.
i finaly have my phycolagest tomorrow so im gonna tell her what happend on friday (she knows pretty much everything thats happend)
and usaly i just play video games or just sleep, since im not in the mood for anything. and then if i play games with friends i have to make sure im not to loud otherwise she comes down and yells at me.
But i am okayish now. im still looking for a place to move out to.
Hey @wolvesrunfree 
I am so glad to hear you are planning on telling your psychologist about the fight with your Mum tomorrow. I see she already knows a little about how hard living at home is for you. I want to acknowledge how courageous you have been in using this forum space to get some support. It can understandably be anxiety inducing, especially when you had some previously bad experiences reaching out. I understand you also have mixed feelings about your Mum as she can sometimes be nice at times and be not so nice at other times. That would certainly be confusing and may make you feel guilty speaking up. But abuse is never okay, you have every right to get some support.
I see you have also been reaching out to your online friends and playing video games as way to cope with home life. Those sound like great things you are doing to look after yourself. I also wanted to let you know these services like Kidshelpine and 1800Respect you can reach out to if you need some support and if you feel unsafe around your Mum. I also understand your need to leave home. There's a homeless hotline number you can ring if home becomes too unsafe to stay.
I also wanted to let you know we had to edit some of your post by adding a spolier feature so it aligns with our community guidelines.
I hope you take care @wolvesrunfree 
Amelia_RO
