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Re: Betrayed by close friends

Another update: 

it has been a while since I was told about the gossip going on behind my back and since then things have been better with the friend that told me about the gossip but I did notice that she was making plans to go out in the holidays without me when I was right in front of her. I would be ok to let this slide but I found out today that she invited two of my friends from church that I introduced to her (she’s been coming to my youth group for a while now even though she is not religious and it is a Christian group) and I live very close to her. I think this may have been revenge for going shopping with a different friend and not inviting her (although this is exactly what has been done to me)

Re: Betrayed by close friends

I'm so sorry you had to go through this @Jane_the_cat.

I recently had a person gossip behind my back too.

I don't exactly know how to help, but if you want to elaborate on what you think you need right now, maybe I can help?

Here for you.

Gossip sucks, but being left out of plans is even worse.
Can I ask if you have thought about this relationship with your friend, well...
A bit... Toxic?

I had that, but it healed. I don't really know, but have you thought about this?
I would also suggest talking to your friend. Maybe she can explain why she did that?

// Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible" //

Re: Betrayed by close friends

I have thought it might be toxic but she has some hard stuff going on at home and I always end up making excuses for her but I tried moving groups and she followed me because a friend she likes more than me also moved groups. Plus if I cat her off that would make school hella awkward and she would stop coming to youth group (she’s always nicer after youth group so I think it helps her) and she’s obsessed with my best friend which would make it complicated 

Re: Betrayed by close friends

Oof...
That makes things a bit tougher.
The person I'm friends with that had a toxic relationship, also has a lot of stuff going on at home. She was the one who would start up the fights between us, but I tried to remind myself that she had stuff going on too. Much worse than my home ever would be.

Maybe you could talk to her instead?
I know that talking to my friend wasn't very helpful, because she always emailed me, instead of actually talking to me at school. But I'm sure if you tried, maybe you could work things out?

I don't really know, but this is from my experience with friends who back stab.

Re: Betrayed by close friends

I actually did consider that and I know I can’t talk to her in person but I have a plan to send her a text explaining what she’s done and how it’s affecting me. I actually wrote it about a month ago but couldn’t find the right time to send it. Also I’m not sure if I mentioned already but she denies most things I say or just brushes them off so I’m going to go into a lot of detail 

Re: Betrayed by close friends

Hi @Jane_the_cat,

If talking in person isn't an option, then sending a message sounds like a good alternative.

You've mentioned that your friend often brushes any feedback off, which I can imagine is really hard when you are trying to have a constructive conversation about your friendship and feelings. I am wondering whether it might be helpful to have someone you trust review the message before you send it too to check and see how they interpret it/if they have any ideas about how to communicate your needs and experiences in a way that works for both of you? What are your thoughts?

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Re: Betrayed by close friends

Ok so I talked to that friend about what’s been happening and how I feel about it. She said the reason she wouldn’t let me talk to my best friend was she was jealous of how close we were. and I thought we had made progress but now more than before she’s trying to take my friends away from me i.e. Dragging them to the group i used to sit with (the one that talks about me behind my back) and making plans with my outside school friends without me. And i know that this sounds really petty but I’ve had a crush on one of those outside school friends for about a year now and she knows that but she continues to make plans to see him all the time (and puts pictures of them together on instagram) even though she knows i’ll see it and not like it and it just really hurts me that she would do that because everyone knows that’s something you just dont do to your friends. 

 

Oh and someone from the group that talks about me behind my back (the main person spreading rumors about me) ended up sitting next to me in orchestra and now she keeps talking to me like nothing happened (she doesnt know that i know shes spreading rumors) and i dont know what i should do especially because i moved groups and cut off all contact with her.

Re: Betrayed by close friends

I am so sorry @Jane_the_cat!
I hate when those sorts of things happen, especially when they keep doing those awful things.
It’s always a lot harder when you have to sit next to her as well. Does a teacher know about this? I know they can definitely help, and maybe they can talk to the girl that’s doing all this.

I’m sorry if this really doesn’t help, but I know that all teachers will help you, and they can talk to particular students about what they may have done.

I honestly think you should tell an adult, because what is going on for you, is bullying. And it needs to stop. I’ve been bullied, and it isn’t fun.
Can you maybe try to tell a trusted adult or teacher?

I promise that they can do something about it. And I’m starting to worry for you, because it’s still happening.

// Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible" //

Re: Betrayed by close friends

I’m really not comfortable telling the teacher about what’s happening. I’m just trying to give her neutral responses as to not give her ammunition. But I’m quite good friends with other victims of her bullying and they are going to help me write a note to the year advisor. Although I’m starting to get cold feet about that because the bullys are being nice to my face and even though I know they’re being horrible about me when I’m not there it feels wrong 

 

Re: Betrayed by close friends

@Jane_the_cat  I'm sorry that this friend is being so mean. Smiley Sad She sounds kind of toxic and passive-aggressive. It could be that she is doing those things out of spite.

In my experience, true bullies don't really change. Just because they are acting nice to you now doesn't mean that they won't bully you again.  The fact that she has treated other people badly too shows that she has some kind of problem.

I think the strategies that you're using are good ideas. One of the things you can do is only give monotonous, boring responses so she doesn't have anything to gossip about. I think the note to the year advisor could also be a good move. Would you feel better about doing it if you did so anonymously? Remember, you're not trying to punish her. You're trying to stand up for yourself and the other victims of bullying. It could be that she doesn't realise how her actions are affecting other people and needs to be told that they are wrong. This will be good for her in the long run. You could make it clear to the year advisor that you don't want her to get in trouble, you just want the bullying to stop.