Don't know what to do anymore, it seems things will never get better (TW)
Hey everyone, first off I don't know if this is the right place to post this, if it's not I apologise and understand if it's deleted. So I've had a couple of medical problems for about the last 6 years and probably depression started around that time. I am also an extremely anxious person most days, although it depends on the day. I find it hard to do pretty much everything. I'm terrible at everything I do, I literally have no skill or anything I'm good at that could propell me in life, I remember realising I couldn't do anything that required talent at like 10 and still haven't found anything. Anyway my tough time right now is that. I'm completely lost and my brain won't work. I started a job in feb and lasted till about a month an a half ago when everything had built up to a level and it was too much for me. Since then I haven't been back to work but I have today and that's causing a bit of a freak out. I've been on tons of antidepressants and none of them work at least the SSRI's. The doctor told me like two days ago that if the one I'm on now doesn't work, that's pretty much it like the next step would be combos of meds but like I don't know, I've been in treatment for my physchological and medical problems for years and nothing has really come from it, everyday I just ache and am tired from my condition and I can't stay not sad for long at all. I've been to see plenty of docors and physchologists but when I talk I have a really hard time telling them the truth of what's inside me like I just can't explain it at all, how bad it is. It's like I have a mental block and can't get it out, I've even tried writing it down. I'm also very polite and try to always be nice, so sometimes I'll say like I'm good or okay to them and it gives the wrong impression, also they always focus on the wrong issue for some reason and idk. The last month and a bit I've been extremely agitated and sad, I've been losing control when I'm on my own and started to self harm again and that's the main issue kinda rn is that I can't get the thought/crave to self harm and hurt myself again, it won't leave my mind and I just want to do it again. My medication has been making me really foggy and I have work today and I'm freaking out and just want to harm again. I feel really bad inside but I can never actually tell people and get it out no matter how hard I try. If I went to the hospital I think they'd just send me back bc when I'm in the actual moment I lock down and just become quiet and can't express how bad it is. I'm really worried about work today and I just want to hurt again. but I don't know what to do? My parents are away so I can't talk to my mum and get advice but I'm with my gf. All I want is to feel pain and to feel normal again not the way I feel inside, it feels so gross and yuck and scummy, it feels like something is gonna burst out my chest or that my whole body is just gonna suck in an implode.
I am am really sorry for such a long post, I got carried away but if anyone has any advice or input on my situation or what I should do about going to work tonight, please let me know.
Thanks heaps
BigMommasHouse
Comments
Welcome to RO @bigmommashouse and thank you for sharing what's been going on for you. It sounds like things are quite difficult at the moment, particularly with managing / coping with your emotions and stressors? Which may be why your urge to self-harm has intensified over the last month or so.
I think it's really important to acknowledge the courage it's taken for you to reach out and express yourself as openly as you have, particularly when you've been feeling like you can't tell people how bad things are right now. We are always here to listen and I'm sure other members will jump in and offer some support and advice shortly 
Right now though I'd really like to focus on your safety. Do you feel that you can stay safe today? As it sounds like having work tonight is causing you some stress? I'm thinking perhaps some one-to-one support may be helpful right now. You mention your parents are away, is this something you could speak to you gf about? Or is it perhaps best to maybe have a chat to a helpline today? I'll list a couple for you, just in case you feel like chatting to someone:
Kids Helpline is great - 1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14
Hey Erin, thanks for your response. I've been talking to my gf and she's been comforting me but I won't feel okay for more than an 1hr. I called my psych but there was no answer an I left a message but I don't think I'll get an appointment today bc he'll be booked. I don't feel that safe at all (like I'll just lose control and injury myself) but I'm confident that I wouldn't take my life bc I've seen what it does to people and I understand I'm not alone and I have people around me, it just doesn't work. thank you for your words of encouragement @Erin-RO
You're welcome @bigmommashouse and I think you are doing really well in managing things. You've become a member of RO; you're talking to your gf; and you've called and left a message for your psychologist. All of this is very proactive and is key to you staying safe today. I am really concerned that you don't feel safe at all in relation to self-harm.
Do you have a safety plan to follow when you're in this space?
I know it's hard if you haven't used a helpline before but I would again really like to encourage you to call Kidshelpline or Lifeline, as it sounds like you're in need of some one-to-one crisis support (even it's just to get you through while you wait for your psychologist to get back to you).
