Everything is wrong. i cant cope
I'm 16 male, from new Zealand. dont really know how to start this off but at the moment in life, I have such a range of problems that its beginning to be too much to handle. I'll discuss each below. This is me venting alot of things. - I'm gay. I live in a religious, Christian household and this wouldn't be taken well. I feel isolated and lonely and like I can't tell anyone because they may find out and that can't happen. My dad often jokes about gay people and my mum just yesterday turned the tv off so that my younger brother wouldn't see the lesbian marriage that was happening on tv. - I'm in love with someone who is in love with someone else and hooks up with people left right and centre. We talk and stuff and we'll flirt and do all that stuff, then the next day when I ask how his day was, he will say something like 'hooked up with this guy today' or 'im so tired because I was up until 4am with a guy'. It hurts so bad. I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. - I think I'm very depressed. I will go to sleep from anywhere between 2:30am to 7:30am and never earlier than that. I wake up at 12pm-3pm and I always feel gross and like an absolute slob. I am always tired. I will stay home most days (its holidays for me right now) and go on my phone and nothing else at all. The days that I go out are rare and its either to see a friend if they invite me somewhere (which I always feel better after doing) or because I have something at school like a meeting. As I said, I go to sleep VERY late because I'm on my phone, I wish I could just snap my phone and sleep like a normal person. - my main two friends (2 males) are extremely boring and perhaps part of the reason why I don't get out as often as I should. We dont tell each other about our lives and although I genuinely try to, they don't really care about my or each others lives at all. We never do anything with each other, with or without me, and when I ask if we should (which used to be quite regularly until i gave up) I will get a lie/excuse or just a plain "no." I am not like this and I love seeing people and going out when I actually do it. I am currently in the process of switching to a new friend group who I love (2 girls) but I'm worried that if I hang out with girls people may know I'm gay? Its also hard because my old friends are like wtf is he doing not hanging out with us at lunchtime anymore. I just can't live life not hanging out with or talking about life to friends anymore. Obviously I have other friends, but I'm meaning the main group of friends that I mostly hang out with at school. - I think I'm addicted to sex/sending photos. This is so unhealthy and I will literally spend the whole day on grindr, kik, snapchat just sending and receiving photos which is a huge problem for me. I can't stop myself. I don't even feel guilty like I used too and it feels weird. I had oral sex with a guy and I'm 16 which I know is wrong but I don't feel guilty. - Me and my mum do not get along at all, not that my mum gets along with many people anyway but she picks at me for everything and is obnoxious/doesnt care all about how others feel. She will give unwanted opinions constantly (eg you're too skinny, your clothes look funny today). She doesn't let me have any input when discussing matters, its just what she thinks. her her her. I can't stand those people. Its not only me that she has problems with, literally all her colleagues have fallen out with her and same for her friends. She's just too up front and bitchy in your face. She shouts and never speaks quietly. Never smiles. one of those people. - my self confidence is low. I feel ugly, and as though my ears stick out and my nose has a hump on it. I have had eating disorders, and became so skinny that I weighed 48kg and was 180cm tall. That's ridiculously skinny and I think I probably wasn't too far off becoming seriously ill. Mum then started calling me out for being too skinny which made me more self conscious and now I'm binge eating to try and gain weight.... I also have the worry that I look good on my photos online and ugly in real life. One of the ways that I "deal" with this is by purchasing clothes all the time which I guess boosts my self esteem. I also feel better when I've had a fresh cut but mum only drives me to the hairdresser when she "feels that I need a haircut" and its not like I can walk to the salon as its very far away. I hate how I look when it grows out, my hair grows SO fast and I feel ugly when its not short. - its also extra hard because from the outside it would appear that my life is perfect. I have all these clothes, photos with all the cool kids online, and get a+ grades in school. No one knows what I'm going through. I feel like I have no one to talk to and it sucks. Mum thinks I'm a lazy, but I would find it so hard to get a summer job, I'm depressed, find it hard to leave the house and very anxious in social situations and feel like I'm ugly or whatever in front of people. Its the new social situations like working at a job or going on a trip to a new town that I find hard, I'm fine just seeing my friends but in my head that's completely different. I dont even know which issue to start on. I dont know how do do this whole "life thing". I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I've ignored my morals and beliefs and I don't even know.
The other thing that freaking sucks is that I constantly want to cry and release all these emotions but I can't! My body doesn't let me cry for some reason. I just want to cry and let it all out. I need some alternative.
Thank you so much for sharing this. There is so much going on, and so few ways for you to do self-care and work through some of those huge intense feelings caused by this. I can see how incredibly hard must be .
What's the most important thing for you right now?
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