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Re: I am having a hard time

Hi @Eden1717 , 

 

I am really sorry to hear that things are so hard for you right now. You always show so much strength and honesty in posting here, and I'm glad that you have come here today. 

 

You say that you feel stressed, exhausted, and teary,  but also can't sleep , that sounds very distressing. Feeling agitated like that sounds awful.  I know that in the past you've mentioned that sometimes distracting yourself can help, do you think that could be helpful for you today? 

 

I'm hearing how awful this feeling is for you, if you needed to today, could you take steps to stay safe if the feelings get worse?

 

Thanks so much for your honesty posting here, the community is here for you Heart 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for June 2020 here
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Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717 

I totally understand how frustrating it can be when people are continually on your case about seeking professional help. My two best friends were continually on my case about getting the help I needed and I refused for years because of how hurt I'd been in the past from trying to open up to people and just found it to be so pointless. But in the end I realised they were only nagging me because they truly cared for me and wanted to see me get better. I was against it for so long and refused to reach out because that in itself had caused me trauma. But then one day I decided I was so sick of living the way I was and the only way I was going to be able to change it was if I acknowledged I needed the help everyone was suggesting. This was EXTREMELY hard because like you, I am sooo independent and being vulnerable scares the absolute shit out of me and trust is the hardest thing to earn with me.. I guess where I'm trying to go with this is that I hope you are able to see @Taylor-RO  and @Maddy-RO as my two best friends in the story because I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for their support and all their nagging. I know it's annoying but it's only because they care. And as much as my friends drove me insane, I have them to thank for the small improvements I am making today.. I hope this somehow helps? 

 

I'd also be keen to hear your response to @Janine-RO  message and what distractions you may have been able to use today? 

 

I hope things start looking brighter for you ❤

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Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @MB95 

 

Thanks for sharing that story about your friends being on your case about getting professional support. I think that situation brings up mixed feelings for a lot of people - you know they are only saying it because they care but it also brings attention to the fact that people are worried about you, which can be confronting in itself. 

 

I think the most important thing @Eden1717 is that you are here and communicating about what is going on for you. That alone isn't easy to do when you're going through tough times. I hope that we continue to be a place that you feel safe to express yourself in Heart 

 

We're thinking of you today! 

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Re: I am having a hard time

@Janine-RO  I have been trying to watch tv and play games on my tablet and stuff but it isn’t doing much. 

 

@MB95  I do see a psychologist but I only recently started seeing them but the thing is it isn’t about being vulnerable or independent for me I did let my guard down and I was vulnerable and that is when I was hurt, and it wasn’t just hurt or that it didn’t help. I was physically and emotionally and verbally abused repeatedly by the mental health professionals who where supposed to keep me safe while I was locked in the hospital under their ‘care’. This happened with multiple admissions and with staff in the community and was not a one time thing. I cannot go into detail on here as what happened was too distressing to detail and I don’t really want to anyway. But my resistance to being fully open with these people comes directly from the abuse I suffered while I was forced to see these people against my will. I understand you are trying to be helpful and encouraging and of course I understand you don’t know what happened but please don’t mistake my reasoning for not opening up and resisting the system for my being scared of something I don’t need to be. 

 

@Bre-RO  I feel comfortable to say some things here but of course there are some things that are not meant to be said. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

No that is totally understandable @Eden1717 and it makes me so upset and frustrated to hear you've been through so much abuse when it comes to seeing professionals. I hope this doesn't come off as weird or creepy but I kind of wish I could help you in person!! Because you deserve someone to treat you right and look after you!!! Hang in there. From all your messages of support to others I know you are strong ❤

 

If you don't mind me asking how is it seeing this psychologist? I'm pretty exhausted atm so please correct me if I'm wrong but is this psych fairly new? Cause for some reason I feel like during our last proper conversation you mentioned you weren't seeing one? Just wondering how it's all going for you and how you're feeling about it all? 

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Re: I am having a hard time

@MB95  Yes she is new I have only seen her a few times, I am not sure how I feel about it because with my last psychologist I felt like I wanted to tell them things, like I felt like I actually wanted to talk about things with them but then this psychologist I just feel a bit indifferent. I feel like I don’t really care if I talk to her or not like it doesn’t make a difference talking with her personally just that sometimes I want to talk with a real human like there is not really any sense of attachment and I don’t really feel anything if we talk or not it just feels very different. And idk if it is me just being distant because I have to or because I don’t feel she really understands me very well but it feels weird. I guess it is also probably because there are a lot of things I cannot tell her regardless of if I like her or not but those exact things are what is making everything so intense right now. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

I am having a really hard day and I want to cry and I feel like I am about to snap only I can’t because my family is around and there is no where I can go to be alone. I can’t even get upset and release all the bad energy. I just feel really horrible and exhausted. I can’t sleep the fires are causing thick smoke to hang around my city and all you can taste and smell is ash and you can even see the smoke hanging in your house and all the buildings because there is so much. I am so tired of being on edge and feeling so anxious and this isn’t going to stop for months and I won’t have space for months to even just let myself cry. I am so so fed up and tired and I just can’t take this I am so freaking over it. There is nothing I can even do. 

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Re: I am having a hard time

Hey @Eden1717 ,

 

It sounds like you're having a really tough day.  I can't imagine how distressing it must be to try and sleep with the fires close to the city; and no place to go to be alone and an outlet to release the bad energy.  You must feel a little trapped at the moment Smiley Sad.  Have you ever felt this way before, and if so, what did you do to cope?

 

Being able to sleep is so important for our mood and functioning.  Certainly, I find when I can't sleep, the next day I'm exhausted and I'm in a bad mood.  I hope you can eventually get some rest to help recover Heart

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Re: I am having a hard time

Aww @Eden1717, that must be difficult to deal with but I wouldn't go beating yourself up about it either. By the sounds of things you've been through a real hell of a lot when it comes to working with health professionals so I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to let them in or feel anything towards your relationship with them. I know I really struggled with mine to begin with and also wasn't sure about the whole thing but I guess I just got super lucky in the end. Whereas if I had gone through what you have I know I'd probably be feeling the same. I really do hope this psych works out for you and is able to help you! Is there anything any of us could do to help? I know sometimes I find it nice to be able to de-brief on here to others about some things that have gone on in session. Obviously within reason, but there's been a couple times when my psych has said or acted in a way, not really realising just how fragile I am, and I immediately took it the wrong way and got really worked up and upset over it. Whereas talking to people on here helped me see it from a different perspective? Idk. I remember there being one particular instance where I was really hurt and not wanting to go back or bother with any of it anymore but the community on here helped me see another side of it and I was so glad they did because I have been back and feel like our relationship is stronger for it. Just something that could help? Idk. 

 

Feel free to de-brief with me anytime! I hope it all works out though and she is the right fit for you! Just don't give up okay? You are strong and you've got this!! ❤

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Re: I am having a hard time

@TOM-RO @MB95  sorry it took so long to reply, I have been both busy and having a difficult time.  I am not sure there is really anything anyone can do. I have been trying really hard to talk with the psychologist but it just isn’t helping much I never feel like I want talk to her or anyone really, I used to desperately feel the need to talk about it but now all I crave is the ability to hibernate and curl into a small ball and shut everything out. I am exhausted genuinely exhausted and I have no space or ability to rest at the moment I keep spacing out and I feel like I am in a dream. I have so much to do and I can’t do anything because I don’t even feel like I exist. I want to sleep but I can’t I want to cry but I can’t I want to rest but I can’t I want to run but I can’t I want to scream but I can’t. I am tired how much more do I have to give to everyone while I have nothing left in me. Everyone thinks I am all better/fine now just because I went back to uni but they didn’t see me crying every other hour all year and have no idea how terrible and intense everything has been but now I am expected to act like someone who is fine. I don’t have the energy for that but then again I don’t have a choice.