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Im a messed up 14 year old

My childhood was fine and always will be fine, I have support at every which way I turn, which makes this so fucking confusing. I am so angry, at the world, at myself, at those around me. I'm cold and don't feel more than muted emotions. I am followed by this emptiness all the time.

All of this seems so out of place because my life is just fine and nothing is wrong. Yet I've been like this since I can remember. I used to self harm but have mostly stopped because I realized it brought me nothing but more pain(and a hell of a dopamine buzz after but it wasn't quite worth it).

I don't know if this is some kind of thing I was born with or something happened to me when I was younger. It confuses and frustrates me so fucking much. I just want to be able to connect. I'm really all over the place  and so disconnected from everyone.

I hope one day I can explain this and maybe deal with it better. Does anyone relate?

(I'm new here too)

Re: Im a messed up 14 year old

Hi @lamplight86 welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing it takes a lot of courage Heart It sounds like you are feeling really confused as you mentioned you've had a really supportive childhood but are feeling angry. I'm wondering if you have spoken to a counsellor about how you've been feeling? Do you currently have any supports at home? I've just had to edit some content to ensure they are within our Community Guidelines. Just letting you know I am also going to send you an email so please keep a look out.

Re: Im a messed up 14 year old

Hi @lamplight86, welcome to RO Smiley Happy I really like your username! 

 

Those feelings and urges must be really distressing and confusing, I'm sorry you've had to deal with that for so long Smiley Sad I think it shows real strength of character that you're choosing not to act on those thoughts.

 

It's great that you've reached out here Smiley Happy Have you spoken to anyone about this before? To me it sounds like talking to a counselor or something might be helpful in better understanding what's going on and figuring out how to cope... What do you think? I've found talking to kids helpline really helpful for that sort of thing. The number's 1800551800 if you're interested, and they also do email/web chat.

 

And we're here if you ever wanna talk Smiley Happy

Re: Im a messed up 14 year old

Yup, I have a therapist. Thanks for replying, I just needed to rant.

Re: Im a messed up 14 year old

No worries, and that's fair enough Smiley Happy is there anything you've found (either from therapy or that you've figured out yourself) that helps? Hope you feel better soon

Re: Im a messed up 14 year old

Welcome to Reach Out <3 

I'm new here too, this is a great place to share how you are feeling with no judgement! If you ever need to rant or talk or anything I've found this is a great, safe space to do it. It must have been hard to share and word that but I'm sure many people (including me, so thank you) can relate. Heart