Numbness?
Helloooo,
I find it hard to open up to people like this, but here goessssss!
I'm a 21 year old female, and during the coarse of my life, I, like many other people have had to struggle with unjustified hardships. I've had pretty serious issues in the household, and it's making me cringe to say this because somehow it's making me feel guilty 
Ever since I can remember, my father has been an alcoholic. He was never violant, but he was emotionally abusive. I can remember such incidents as my brother, mother and I having to drive home from our grandparents on Christmas Eve (for some reason he would always binge during Christmas holidays) to which he would proceed to call us up, asking specifically to talk to my brother and I on Christmas day crying on the phone about how he had no presents or family on Christmas day ect. I would feel uh, pretty guilty to say the least.
One day my brother grew up, and became really strong and more agressive than anyone I've ever met, or seen on TV, or seen in any of those adds that depicts drug abuse or domestiv violence in homes. He started taking steroids because he's obsessed with his body image (just like me I guess) and that's what sparked his agression. So, everytime my dad binge drank my brother would go crazy and bash my dad up. Sometimes he would turn on mum and me and he has harmed us seriously a few times, which is terrifying because he could easily kill us both in a fit of rage. My dad is now sober for most parts of the year, he occasionally binge drinks now and then, but my brothers anger issues have lingered for over a decade.
My mother is also drinking lots lately (getting drunk 5/6 nights a week) and that annoyes my brother most I think, but he gets angry over ANYTHING like if there's no prepared food for him or if he can't find his car keys he might threaten to kill us. Lately I've noticed that he's been getting angry with his girlfriend and I wouldn't be surprised if it started to turn violent, but I really believe that there is really nothing I can do about it. The options are a) call the police and get him arrested and have his life ruined which I just can't do. or b) go in and and defend her - which can only go so far. I find myself getting in the middle of my brother when he tries to attack my parents, because frankly I would rather him attack me than see him hurt them anymore.
Some of the situations we've been in are like, horror stories, like the shining, but the sadest part is that it's not him - it's the drugs, I really miss having the brother that defended me in primary school. This abuse has been going on for so long, and i've felt numb to it soon after it began. Recently my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. It wasn't a bad breakup, it was kind of bound to happen anyway.
I've been having to spend like 70% more time at home, and starting to feel numb again, i've been self harming as well and I feel so ashaimed to admit that. The past few years while I was with my boyfriend, I had changed so much, i discoverd new interests, made new friends, got a cool job, I was really healthy and really happy. 
Now Im afraid that im chasing my own demise, although I try to stay strong and sometimes I do, I feel like I have no control anymore and really need help before I do something stupid. It's been effecting every aspect of my life, I feel so much more anxious at work now, and my interests seem to be deminishing 
I've never seen a therapist or anything because I never thought they could help me, I always thought that only I could help myself, so I got into a lot of self help stuff, but that doesn't seem to go too far. I saw a school counsellor once (well was forced to when I came to school with a black eye) but I never had intentions of going back. I'm too embarrised and ashaimed to seek help face to face for some reason, I never "act" like the person who had issues at home, I always act like the loud happy slightly annoying person, (to this day i don't properly understand why I act that way because I hate it), so the thought of seeking help is seriously a big step outside of my comfort zone.
Thanks for giving me your time 
Comments
hey blithe. I'm surviving haha. The violance in this house is like a rollercoaster, as in like.. sometimes its really constant and sometimes it only occures once a month. as much as I hate the ..let's call them episodes.... I also hate the aftermath of having grown up with this life. But Im a strong human being and I know eventually everything will feel right again. P.s. thanks for letting me know about the intro thread/info sheet
Thanks sophie and blithe for your inputs, I really appreciate the the fact that someone wants to help! Though an AVO is kind of ou of the question, the thing is that my brother already has a criminal record for asualt. If we had to call the police and pressed charges, I think he knows that he would be in enough trouble already.. Also the process of him getting a record was incredibly stressful for all of us, involving big expenses for lawers and also now he cant get a job because who will hire someone with big muscles and a record of asualt? He just needs some help coping too 😞
Hi @FatTofu,
Glad you stuck around here. 🙂 If you feel like just saying hi and having a chat, you can head on over to the Introductions thread and just say hi.
It sounds like your focus right now is on trying to keep yourself and your family members safe. Here's a fact sheet which offers some tips and places you can contact if you need help.
How are you going at the moment?
Cheers,
blithe
Just again about the AVO - it's not charges, it's just an order to say that he is not allowed to threaten or hurt you guys. You don't even need to go to the police at all you can go straight to the magistrate at court and the order put in place with the help of NSW Women's Legal Services.
But regardless, I really hope you give 1800 RESPECT a go they can tell you about all the services available to help you and your family.
All the best!
Hey @FatTofu,
I just read your post and I wanted to say congratulations for sharing what you are going through here on ReachOut, and especially for contacting headspace. I know it can be super hard to open up and talk to someone when what you're going through is so difficult and when you're afraid.
I agree with @Sophie-RO about the AVO too - you and your family deserve to be safe from your brother's anger.
I hope you continue to get the help and support you need, please let us know how you're going.
WIshing you all the best,
blithe
Hello @FatTofu and welcome to ReachOut.
It is wonderful that you are opening up to us here, especially if you find it hard. Do you have anyone close to you that you trust that you can talk to about your feelings or what is going on at home?
Online services such as Lifeline, Headspace and KidsHelp offer over the phone counseling, web chat and some email counseling that don't require face-to-face contact and are also free. There are other counseling services online but some do cost money. It's okay if you aren't comfortable with face-to-face counseling, sometimes it can be overwhelming to have to tell someone what you are feeling face to face. Also, next thursday we are having an INFOBUS chat with a Headspace psychologist where you can ask her an anonymous question.
Stepping outside your comfort zone is definitely no easy task. But it is rewarding. You can do it, it is hard to always stay positive but with some help it becomes easier to deal with the tough times.
Don't give up, I can tell that you are a strong, brave person full of happiness. You can do it, have faith.
I am sorry if I have offending you at all.
N1ghtW1ng
Hi N1ghtW1ng, Thanks for the links, I'll check them out right now.
I use to tell my ex boyfriend about the issues but it was clearly too overwhelming for him. In hindsight I probably made him feel guilty and confused because I was looking for help that he didn't know how to provide even though he wanted to help me, I wish I had never spoken to him about it now because it just created more problems for him, and maybe if my problems weren't such a burden on our relationship then he wouldn't have broken up with me. I feel like most people will react like that, I do have friends that I trust, but when I open up to them and they don't know what the say then it just makes me more uncomfortable so I don't really plan on telling any friends. Plus I know it sounds weird, but it's a bit awkward coming out with this to people that know my whole family..
It doesn't sound weird at all, telling people who know your family leaves them open to tell your parents or someone else because they feel that doing so would be the best thing for you. It's fine to not want to tell anyone who knows your family, but not telling anyone will only build up these feelings.
Do your friends know about your brother and mother and father and how they act? If they don't, tell them about it. Instead of telling them everything, just tell some of them that you aren't doing so well.
It'll be fine. Be sure to let us know how you go with online counseling if you choose to do so.
That's good advice, I'll tell my close friends that i'm not alright but I don't think telling them the full story is a good idea because it builds up this anticipation like "everything will seem so much better once i've told someone everything" but that's not the result... I've just felt like this from one past experience of telling someone who I was close with who was also in a similar position as I was.. though it's odd how open about it she was with everyone yet I feel so shy about it all...
Anyway after this morning of multiple police cars turning up at my house (because neighbors called them ) I decided that i'm just going to plunge into this, so I used eheadspace and have sent an email about it to a trained psychologist. I got a long, indepth reply within like 6 hours. It was really helpful! I'm glad I did it, & reccomend it to anyone else who needs help coping I hope it does all turn out okay and I'm sure it will! Cheers for your help.
Good for you FatTofu - that's so awesome that you contacted eheadspace. You should be really proud of yourself for that, especially considering how hard you find it to ask for help.
One thing I wanted to say is that you do actually have more options than the a) and b) you mentioned about your brothers violence. I'd really encourage you to talk it through with www.1800respect.org.au (they have webchat or phone) and talk about some of the other support you could get from a domestic violence service. In terms of legal protection, you do have the option to get an AVO which can be really flexible these days. It is NOT a criminal matter or a charge, and does not appear on a criminal record so long as he doesn't break it. You can also specify that he can still live at the house & contact everyone, but he is NOT allowed to threaten you or be violent (emotionally or physically). However, if he does not abide by the AVO, then he can be charged with breaking the AVO.
It's like a warning to let your brother know that this is serious and he needs to change.
Anyway, please think about talking it through...
Yr on the right track...
