TW: Chat

Hi @Red_Flamingo 

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling a bit. Would you like to talk more about it?

I have been super busy lately and a little bit stressed about my uni semester even though it is 6 weeks away I just have some unfortunate times for my classes that don't suit my life. I'll contact the lecturer in a couple weeks about my options though. 

Hi @Rara 

Thank you. I don't even know what there is to say. I've been busy this morning cleaning the apartment. 

I feel you. Is it that you have one class, and it's only run on that one day, and it's a day you can't do it? Can you change and do a different unit and then do that next semester? Or is it like a bridging unit to the next unit? It's so hard, I really understand.

Sometimes cleaning your space can help clear your mind a bit, that is what I will do when I am feeling down. 

I have 3, and that's the problem, they are all only run on one day and 2 clash, so I've enrolled in one online. They are also only run in this one semester and while I could swap this year's and next year's study plan, I'll likely still end up with the same problem.  My biggest concern is that 2 of the classes have participation/collaborative activities that if they are required to do in class unfortunately I won't be able to do. I just have to contact the lecturer and see if I can do other work and if its group work, get my group email and contribute that way when I can't attend every week. Lots of other people would have had the same problem before me I just keep reminding myself  

No it's for room inspection i think @Rara 

It needed cleaning anyway.

Yes, it's very tricky. I hope you can work something out. 

Hi @Red_Flamingo ! 
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely and empty, those feelings can be really painful to deal with. It's also scary to feel uncertain how things will go and whether it'll be okay. So it's totally understandable if you need to talk about it, by all means do. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. 

You mentioned you didn't have a set routine but is there anything you can think of that you can plan for yourself? How goes your art? And what are you watching at the moment?:) 

Feeling hopeless is a lot to sit with and sometimes it can be so so difficult. Looking too far ahead or behind can be scary, sometimes it helps to just focus on the next little amount of time. The next little step. Like @Lapis_Anteater it took a lot of things falling into place in a certain order to start feeling like I was making progress, it's definitely not an easy process. Although for me, when I was struggling at first I didn't feel comfortable talking about it so it wasn't really my friends but my hobbies/interests that I held onto for dear life. That next episode of my favourite show. That book. I tried to fill my time with things that nourished my soul even if it didn't feel like it in the moment. It won't be the same for everyone I think, but as we each face the uncertainty and challenges we form our own opinions on what makes life worthwhile, and a greater understanding of our true capabilities. I really hope that for you 💙

I'm glad you have somethings to do - keep us updated with how they go! I'm also excited to hear about your new art works when you unpack it next week:) How is your gyming going? 

Does it sound like I'm feeling hopeless from what I said?

I don't even know what I hold onto other than the here, SANE, and my other professional supports. 

@Red_Flamingo Sorry, that's my fault I probably misunderstood something. I think I just meant it's hard to deal with these feelings and I'm glad you're safe. Do you have plans for the rest of your night?

No, I probably am feeling hopeless right now @sunset_hues 

Yes, it's very hard. I'm just watching Young Sheldon and trying not to cry. I really want to. 

@Red_Flamingo  
there’s nothing wrong with crying if you need to. Is Young Sheldon worth watching do you think? I need some new shows up my sleeve. 

Yes it's good @sunset_hues 

also, this one is good 'all the light we cannot see'

Crying can lead to worse thinking though. Does that happen to you?

@Red_Flamingo oh yes! I've heard good things about All the Light We Cannot See and actually have the book (still need to read it though). What did you like about it? 

Hmm it depends. Sometimes crying feels nice but only when I feel like I have the non-judgemental space to do so. But sometimes it just kind of feels physically painful. So I try to distract myself in those times. Or soothe myself with warm drinks (tea, hot choco) and my weighted blanket/patting my chest. 

Yeah, it was a really good show. I just liked the lady who was blind and how she was so brave despite the war. 

I hate when crying feels physical. When in the hospital, sobbing for those few hours was also very physical; it hurt a lot. 

I think I'm just trying to avoid my feelings right now. I don't know how to deal with them.

Thank you for the recommendation @Red_Flamingo ! I’ll let you know when I’ve finished the book. 

I’m sorry you went through that, I can relate and it’s definitely not the most fun feeling in the world. It amazes me how powerfully connected our minds and bodies are sometimes. I hope you can find some small way to take care of yourself physically tonight whether it’s with some tea or a hot shower. And I hope your appointment with your psych next week is helpful. 

 I have to head to dinner now but it was good chatting with you today, even if it was for a tiny bit. Take care and I shall talk to you again soon 🩵

Thanks @sunset_hues 

Have a good night. 

Hi @sunset_hues @Lapis_Anteater 

You wouldn't believe it. I went onto webchat with a support service to speak with someone since I was struggling so much last night and apparently I can only talk to them when I'm in crisis and suicidal. So the service was doing a phone counselling trial, and my counsellor picked me. What happened was we would schedule a call, and she would call me so I didn't have to wait in the phone queue or web chat queue. 

Anyway, since it started last year, I haven't needed to go onto webchat or call since I would email my regular to change the time, and if I needed support sooner, I would talk to her, but last night, she wasn't working, and so the person that picked me up on webchat said what I had said above. I was so shocked I couldn't believe it. I was already struggling so much, and being told I couldn't get any support was very difficult. The man I spoke to asked if I had anyone else to talk to, and I said no and that I would go and cry now. He replied okay, have a good night. I just burst into tears. I don't know why that had to happen. I've sent them an email and how someone responded. 

I have a file with a management and crisis plan if needed, but maybe something was miscommunicated because I really needed that support. Last night, it was awful. 

I also thought that because I hadn't spoken to my regular in about three to four weeks, it would be okay to talk to someone else, but apparently, I was wrong. 

When the man said to wait until Sunday to speak with my regular, I was wondering if I could wait until then. Then why would I be contacting in the first place? 

The service is normally so great, but I really don't know what has happened here. 

I felt ten times worse after finding out I wasn't able to speak with them. 

It's literally the biggest trigger for me when someone rejects me or won't speak to me about whatever the process is. Maybe that needs to be in my file, lol. Red_Flamingo doesn't like rejection and feeling alone. Who does anyway?

Sorry, that was a rant and a half. I'm just really upset about it. What if I feel sad again tonight and need to talk to someone? I can't reach out to them. I'll have no one. I'll be all alone. 

How are you both doing? I hope you had a better night than me. 

Also, I'm just saying I'm safe, and I'm not distressed right now; I'm just upset. 

Hey @Red_Flamingo 

I’m really sorry to hear that the support services were a big letdown. It sucks when you seek help and you’re ignored because things aren’t ‘bad’ enough. I never had a good experience with online services, but I also know that there are some really amazing crisis counsellors out there. I think it’s really dependent on who you get. It’s discouraging (and it really hurts) to not get the help you need when you’re already in a bad place.

You have every right to seek and get the support you need. Please don’t let this discourage you! You are doing the right thing by seeking support when you need it. I am sure your psych would agree that it’s better to seek help before you reach the point of crisis. I don’t understand that guy’s perspective.

It may also be worth bringing up what happened with your regular. They might have a way to prevent something similar happening in the future.  

How have you been feeling today? Have you been up to much?

I’ve been okay. I had to help move some woodchips around which was significant more tiring than I expected.

Hi @Lapis_Anteater 

I spoke with my regular, and she said because of the phone trial, the counsellor I spoke to and the supervisor got confused and thought I could only talk in crisis, which is not correct. 

She fixed up my file so that I could have my weekly session with her and then a crisis and emotional regulation session if needed. 

I've been alright up until now. I'm trying not to cry. I went to the gym and did some washing. 

I talked to my regular about self-compassion and how I have 0% in me, and I wanted to work on that. First off, we are looking at gratitude, and I have to think of three things I'm grateful for each day. It's hard to think of things to be grateful for when I don't see any right now. I'll just have to try my best. I just feel so sad, alone, empty and worthless right now. Or maybe just a mix I don't know if I'm feeling them all. I'm just not good. I'm sorry. I'm safe, though. I might have some ice cream and read my book. 

What did you move woodchips for? 

Hey @Red_Flamingo 

I’m glad it was their mix up and you have a place you can go for support.

The gym and washing are always good. Have you been up to much recently?

Gratitude can be really hard when you’re depressed. A lot of the time you’re going to be stuck if you try to think of positive things that happened. Even if the event was objectively positive you still experienced it while depressed so it’s hard to view it as positive (if that makes sense).

I found it a lot easier to think of gratitude in terms of “what was less unpleasant than I expected it to be today?” or “what’s something that made a part of today feel easier?”  

Those are really painful emotions to deal with. How are you feeling today?

The woodchips got placed in the front yard after the people were chopped the trees. Mum wants the woodchips around the side of the house and in the backyard.

Hi @Lapis_Anteater 

Yeah, same here. 

I had a GP appointment yesterday and my psych today. 

Gratitude is very hard. Yes very much so. Hmmm less unpleasant. I'll have to think of that and see if it helps. 

Mmm, no, they are not fun. 

Here is what I discussed with my psych about it all. 

It was alright. I'm just not very good at being vulnerable with him. We talked about how I feel like I'm a bad and unworthy person. We talked about how my mum wouldn't let me have space and would then guilt me into what she wanted and how that affects me now because I don't know how to be alone. We talked about me being dismissive of how I feel because of the bullying and my mum. He told me to give myself a hug, which was really weird.

I was very anxious this morning. I felt a bit nauseous before the appointment.

We also talked about going around in a circle. I felt pretty stupid at times, but oh well. I also mentioned how I feel embarrassed sharing things and how I feel he might judge me even though I know he won't. He asked if I would prefer to colour in or something in our session. I'm not sure how that would help. I feel like I’m blocked, and I don't know how to get out of it when it comes to sharing with him. We were trying to go over how I was feeling in different situations. We went over going back in time and being assertive to my mum and also again with looking after myself when I was younger with the kindness and empathy that little me needed. When we talked about me feeling not wanted, that hit a bit of a nerve. 

Today had been alright. Other than my psych, I went to the supermarket and Priceline to get a couple of things. 

Ah okay I hope they end up looking nice around your house. 

Hey @Red_Flamingo 

Wow, that’s a lot of heavy things to talk about. It understandable to find it difficult to be vulnerable with him. You guys have recently started working together. In time, it’ll become easier.

The hug thing does sound weird but apparently it can be pretty effective at reducing stress/improving mood. Your brain recognises touch as touch, whether it comes from you or someone else. If physical contact is something that you find comforting, it could be beneficial for you.  

I found it helpful to write things down and give it to my psych if there was something I couldn’t work out how to communicate properly. It can also be helpful to write it down and use that as a basis for how you’re going to share something with them.

 Sounds like a decent day. How are you feeling today? Get up to anything fun?

I think it ended up looking alright. Too much effort for the result though.

What do you think about hugging your psych? 
I've been googling, and I get mixed opinions about it. 
I want to ask my psych what the boundaries are with that, and I'm scared that if he says no, I'll get upset. 
I did write some stuff down for my most recent session; I didn't say everything, though. I don't know why, but when I am reading it all, it feels really stupid and, especially to someone else. 
I'm off to a Gal's Brunch It is online and someone has organised it and we do a questionnaire and then get put into a group with four other girls. I've already been talking to them on Facebook Messenger and they all seem nice. 

After that, I'm going to buy some more Lego and a few books hahaha. 

Then come home and finish the book I'm reading. 

I'm not sure if you like reading or if you do if you like romance but I'm reading Icebreaker and it's really good. A bit of spicy and hockey drama. 

What are you doing today?

Ah okay that can be the way sometimes do you have a big backyard. @Lapis_Anteater