TW: Hello and Update
Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since I last posted. I just wanted to say hi, update you on how things have been, and ask for some advice.
So I would say things have started to improve since December last year. I'd come off my mood stabiliser with the help of my GP, as I didn't need it anymore. The adjustment period went all right; nothing happened there. Fast forward to this year and about six weeks ago, with my psychologist, we didn't have much to discuss. We were going over some meditation stuff I'd been doing, which has been a big help. Anyway, my Mum and Dad were over for the Richmond vs. Carlton AFL game, which was hard to watch, as were the other three games, being a Carlton supporter. Anyway, Mum asked if I could skip the session, and I didn't think I needed it, and being busy with them helped. A week later, I decided to go to my psychologist fortnightly. It was a tough decision I had to make as I had been going weekly for about 18 months.
Inititally I was happy about it once I told my psych, gosh after it was hard and it's taken a lot of processing to move forward with the dision. It brought up a lot of emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, fear, guilt, grief, uncertainty, vulnerability, loeliness, and doubt. These emotions were complicated, but as I write this, it's still been good to go fortnightly.
So the two weeks came around I talked to him about how it was a struggle the two weeks we went though that and a few other things. Anyway, I found it hard when he said we were coming to the end of the session. He asked me to recap, as we do that in every session, to ensure we are both on the same page. Anyway I honestly wanted to cry so badly I felt very overwhelmed. Thinking back to it, I felt like I was losing connection after being connected for about 80 minutes. Maybe a build-up of emotions as well. I honestly wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I don't know why, at the moment, I didn't say anything, as I regret that, and I did after the session once I left. Knowing I would have to wait two weeks to tell him how I felt as we were ending made things much worse. Honestly, I wanted to go back and knock on the door and tell him how I felt. I didn't, but I wanted to. Question: With that, would anyone do that or have thought of doing that?
Also, does anyone have advice on overthinking? In the two weeks between the last session and the one before, I couldn't stop overthinking my session, like, did I do the right thing? It was eating me up inside.
Anyway, I am back to Thursday, so after I calmed down from the session that night and until today, I am still thinking about it again and overthinking. I wish I could park it in the back of my mind, knowing I'm going to talk to my psych about it in two weeks.
I also wish he had noticed my change, like when he said we were near the end. I honestly could tell my facial expressions changed, and I was being very vague in recapping and wanting to get out of there quickly. That seems to be a key thing, and I'm hoping he will notice. Maybe I need to let him know that if something seems off to push it, I will share as now I have to live with that I didn't say anything for two weeks, which sucks big time. He even said I might feel sad over the next two weeks because of not seeing him, etc., and I thought I was right now. How could he not tell? Was it because we were coming to the end? But previously, I think I got upset, and it either goes like it did on Thursday due to me worrying about the time as I didn't want to go over with me crying. Once, I think he noticed my lip was quivering, which gave it away, but we didn't get too far into it. I don't seem to let myself fully feel think with him. I wish I did, as that's one reason to see a psychologist.
Does anyone know anything about Intellectualising emotion? I do that a bit, like analysing them and not letting myself process them. Or I go into trying to fix them instead of letting them be.
Anyway, that was longer than I thought. I hope that's okay. I just wanted to share how things have been going.
Overall, I am doing much better than I have in the past. I am safe, and I know I can contact KHL for extra support if needed
Comments
Thanks for reaching out! I hope writing out your experience, thoughts and feelings helped you feel a little bit better. Organising your thoughts can be pretty helpful in understanding how you feel and what to do next.
I think its really easy for us to interrogate our actions after an interaction. For example, the other day I thought I came off as rude to a friend so I messaged her and she said she didn't recieve it like that.
You acknowledge that at the end of a session you recap what was discussed. It might have been that he was focusing extra hard on what you were saying, and being prepared to jump in, especially if your next session would be in 2 weeks.
I'm wondering what was his response to this change? Did he ever suggest that this might be sudden, that it could be uncomfortable at times, etc? Was it ever brought up whether you could call in and arrange a session outside the schedule?
It might be worth having a schedule that mixes both 1 and 2 week intervals. For example, instead of going every 2 weeks and having 2 sessions per month - you could have 3 sessions per month and slowly work towards the current arrangement. Especially since you had the same weekly routine for 18 months! I think anyone would feel thrown off.
You also acknowledge that something was holding you back from telling him how you felt. I think a lot of people can relate to this. It might have been an in-the-moment thing, especially since you were on a time crunch. But I think you've articulated yourself well here - how would you feel about showing him this post? You both get to sit on it a little bit more before having a proper conversation.
Let me know what you think? 🌻
Hi,
Yes, it does help writing out how things are going, and being able to have some connection around it is very helpful.
Thank you for sharing that. That is very helpful. I seem to question my actions a lot.
That is true; maybe he was. I won't really know until I ask him if he noticed.
When I told him I wanted to go fortnightly, he was excited. He said he loved that I was asserting myself and letting him know what I want even if it was/is hard. Last week, when we were ending and I felt emotional/overwhelmed, I thought I might be sad over the next two weeks like I have been. He is only working in the clinic on Thursdays now, as he has a new job elsewhere for the other two days. He said if he couldn't fit me in in person, we could do a phone class or telehealth session that afternoon. He said he would try his best to fit me in. It's been six weeks technically, as I had one fortnight before we went fortnightly due to my parents being over for the football, but it's been a month now. I am supposed to decide if I will go fortnightly next week, which I have already, as I've booked them in on the portal. He is going away from the 22nd of May until the 19th of June which is right when I have exams, but at least I know now from looking so I'm not blindisdied in a few weeks time. It sucks with the timing but there is nothing I can do about it. He doesn't go on leave that often, so I understand he needs a break.
That is true, but I've already told my mum that I'm doing it fortnightly as she has been paying the full cost while only getting ten Medicare sessions. I don't know if I need three sessions a month, like when I was going weekly, when we ran out of things to talk about, but thank you for the suggestion.
Yeah, I will share with him what I have said here. Do you mean to email him what you said here: "You both get to sit on it a little bit more before having a proper conversation"? Or just share it at the start of the session?
A couple of months ago, he made a new boundary that if I email him, he won't read them as we did have a lot of communication over email. Initially, it was great, but then it was hard for me to communicate how I felt in the session. Which honestly it did hurt a lot when he told me he wouldn't read them and now I have to go through admin if I need something which is a bit annoying as it's an extra layer to have to communicate to him. Like how I post on here. I have very clear written communication skills and can share how I feel, but when it comes to in-person communication, it can be much harder to share.
I have a two-hour maths lecture soon, and I need to finish off a lab report that is due tonight. Then, I will START studying for my mid-semester biology test on Monday, which I am very behind in. Everyone I have talked to has shared how they haven't had time to study with so much uni work to do. Plus, having 100-page lecture slides for four classes makes it hard to keep up.
I just had a chat with my outreach worker, which was nice. She mentioned how instead of saying I feel sad, I need to dig a little deeper and see what else I feel. These are some emotions we came up with: unsettled due to the change in routine, lonely, missing connection, vulnerable, fragile, and feeling abandoned sometimes.
I am safe and will call KHL if I need to.
How are you today, and what are you up to?
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.
Hi @Red_Flamingo,
Thanks for sharing with the ReachOut community. It takes a lot of courage to share what's been on your mind. 💛
It sounds like you’ve made an awesome amount of progress recently, like coming off your medication with your GP's support and deciding to try fortnightly sessions with your psych. Those kinds of changes, even when they feel right, can still bring up so many emotions, and it's completely okay to be feeling so many different things.
What you shared about that session and how it ended really stuck with me. That feeling of disconnect after so much time feeling connected can be challenging to sit with. I relate as I’ve definitely had times with my psych where I've left the session wishing I would have said something that I didn't.
You also mentioned overthinking and intellectualising your feelings, and I just want to say how self-aware that is. It’s not easy to notice that in yourself, and the fact that you are already noticing those patterns shows how much work you’ve done. It look me a very long time to be able to do that and think it's important to acknowledge when others are able to do the same. 💛
As you mentioned it's been hard practicing self-care lately, I'm wondering if there's one kind thing you can do for yourself in the coming days? I know it can be challenging when we don't feel motivated to do much, but even something really small, such as going on a short walk outside, that can make a difference in how you feel about the day ahead.
Wishing you the very best moving forward! 😊
Hi,
Thank you. That means a lot.
Yes, it's definitely been a roller coaster with the emotions lately.
Yes, exactly. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way about the ending. It probably doesn't help that I only have one friend who I only talk to over messenger, as she doesn't like to talk on the phone for various reasons. I guess it just doesn't hit the spot with wanting human connection. I honestly have been craving it a lot these past few weeks with one not seeing my psych as much but then not having friends. That is partly my fault, but finding friends is very hard, especially at uni. Like I have my roommates; one is very nice, but I'm not at the sharing deep personal things, if you get what I mean.
Thank you I've just been doing some research on the things I've been feeling and came across intellectulaising I wish I knew how to stop it though.
I haven't had a shower in a few days so I am about to do that and then go to bakers delight to pick up a To Good To Go bag. Have you heard of that? It's all around Australia an app you download and you get food from places like bakers delight for a really discounneted price. It's to stop food going to waste.
The day is nearly over by the time I do that and get something to cook for dinner. I am working on a biochem lab report and I swear finding peer reviewed article is very hard sometimes when you need something very specific.
Thank you very much for your kind words. It means a lot to me. How are you going and what are you up to tonight? I might watch an episode of The Rookie or 9-1-1.
Hey @Red_Flamingo,
It's so nice to hear from you again! It sounds like getting off your mood stabilizers with the help of your GP went well and that things have been going well since you last posted, which is so wonderful to hear. I can see that you've changed your psychologist sessions from weekly to fortnightly which was such a huge and difficult step for you. It sounds like you're feeling many emotions around the change that is still tough for you. Changing the frequency of sessions can be confronting and overwhelming, particularly after previously having weekly sessions. I want to acknowledge that you've managed this really well so far and you should be so proud of yourself!
Being upset after the sessions ending would've been tough. While it would be challenging to wait 2 weeks to tell your psychologist how you felt, it would be really useful express how you felt and why at the end of the last session. Does this sound like something you can do during your next session with your psychologist? I can also see that you're feeling upset that he may not have noticed you getting upset, which is completely understandable. It sounds like since your session with your psychologist, you've been overthinking what had happened. I am curious to know if there are any strategies you used in the past or now, that have helped ease the overthinking?
I want to reiterate how beautiful it is to hear from you again and see that you're doing well. I am glad that you're safe and will connect with KHL if you need it. Given all that you're going through and feelings, have you been able to engage in any self care?
I hope this helps and look forward to hearing back from you soon!
Hi,
Thank you. Really nice to hear from you too.
Yes, overall, things have been pretty manageable over the past few months, which has been good. The change in how the sessions are structured has definitely been hard, though. I know it was my choice, as I told him it’s what I wanted to do, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it.
I’ll bring it up with him next week. I’m really annoyed at myself for not saying something in the moment, but I can’t take it back now. It’s just hard to move on and get past it, so to speak. That kind of thing tends to really stick with me.
Speaking of that, yes, I always seem to overthink things. It’s very annoying and frustrating. It’s like my brain just latches onto something and won’t let go. It keeps going and going, and I can’t switch it off. I haven’t really found anything that helps, which is why I was asking if anyone had any ideas on how to stop overthinking. I’ve been trying to focus on uni work, but even that doesn’t always work. Sometimes, I’ll be doing something to distract myself, such as watching TV, reading a book, etc, and then all of a sudden, I’m back to ruminating or overthinking again. It’s like it sneaks up on me even when I’m keeping busy.
No, not really. I haven’t done much self-care lately. I’ve felt really unmotivated over the past few days. The thing is, the last fortnight after I saw my psychologist, I felt pretty low during the weekend and into the week after. It feels like it’s happening again now. I noticed it last night and started thinking about the past four weeks, and I realised it’s been the same each time. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m just trying to take things as they come and not get too caught up in it.
I have a lab report due Friday and a mid-semester exam on Monday for biology, so I’ve been pretty busy with uni. I’m looking forward to the break next week, although I’ll still need to study for another exam the following week for maths. It’s never-ending, haha.
Yes, I will contact KHL if needed.
