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TW: I don't know why I feel this way.

Hey guys, 

 

Im completely new to this but want to try new things to maybe fix my outlook on everything. I have had an extremely privileged life and have had little to no stress related traumas, yet somehow find my mental health quite poor. Right now its better, but it goes into troughs including one time where I made an attempt to end it all. I also have issues with substances. 

 

What makes my sistuation different to others i think, is how i have this constant understanding that my depressive thoughts are simply the truth and cannot be disputed. Although I dont like myself much, my feelings stem from existential thoughts, like nothing really matters, we all die anyway and wont remember blah blah. I believe this wholeheartedly but am constantly trying not to think about it, becaue when something in life goes wrong, these thoughts overwhelm me and make me think its okay if i just yk what. Idk if that fully makes sense. 

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Like that nothign rly matters? Lmao sorry for making you read all that, hope this is in the right "space". 

 

Happy to chat with anyone. 

Voracious_Rooster
Voracious_RoosterPosted 09-12-2022 10:03 PM

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Anonymous
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Akinna
AkinnaPosted 09-12-2022 11:46 PM

Hey there @Voracious_Rooster

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I get you. I've experienced a lot of similar things.

 

Pretty good life, no obvious trauma, but trash mental health. Strong depressive thoughts including similar existential thoughts. I had no idea what was wrong. I wondered if I was making it all up. I 'shut down' and didn't tell anyone until it was almost too late.

 

Fast forward a few years until July last year... high school, depression diagnosis, psychologist, antidepressants, spiralling... and I get diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My bipolar diagnosis proves this is not my fault. Genetics and brain chemistry are involved. So even though I have a 'pretty good life,' there are other reasons for my mental health struggles, invisible ones.

 

I've never experienced obvious trauma that you automatically think of. But I'm slowly figuring out now how much 'tiny' events and situations have impacted me over my life, ones that I thought 'weren't that bad.'

 

Another way of looking at it, there are countless celebrities who would have an 'extremely privliged life' and still struggle with their mental health.

 

Just because you can't see a logical cause for your mental health struggles, doesn't mean your mental health struggles aren't real and valid. Others 'having it worse' doesn't change the fact that you are struggling right now. It doesn't change the fact that you deserve help, nothing changes that.

 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 10-12-2022 10:43 AM

Hi @Akinna,

 

Thank you so much for providing such kind and encouraging words to @Voracious_Rooster

 

We know that you have had a lot of mental health challenges, and to draw from your own experiences and provide support to someone else, really does demonstrate that people are not alone when struggling with their mental health.

 

We really appreciate what you bring to this community, and hope that you can do something nice for yourself over the weekend 🌺

 
 
Voracious_Rooster
Voracious_RoosterPosted 10-12-2022 08:21 AM

Hey Akinna, 

 

Thanks for replying. How did you come on contact with a therapist if you dont mind me asking? I have always felt I should and my friends want me to, but I really do not want to tell my parents and do not want my school to know. Did you have similar fears? How did you navigate all that? 

 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-12-2022 11:50 AM

I get you @Voracious_Rooster  

I definitely had, and still have, similar feelings.

 

Unfortunately you just kind of have to ‘bite the bullet.’ Talking is hard, and I still hate talking about my mental health. But unfortunately, people can’t help if they don’t know what’s wrong.

 

I knew I needed to see someone but was terrified. Heart pounding, legs shaking, feel like I’m about to through up terrified.

 

I kind of talked to my parents enough to just get to the GP. There I got a referral to see a psychologist. My GP had some recommendations. We made some phone calls, did some research, and ended up choosing someone from there.

 

I actually changed psychologists earlier this year. I emailed the psychologist of a family friend. He wasn’t suitable for me, but he was able to provide some recommendations, and I chose someone from his list, and am happy with my choice. So a little bit of research might be needed!

 

Talking with someone at school is optional. My experience was getting valuable support from student services and the school chaplain. A few extra people on my side. They helped me talk to my parents a bit. They gave me a safe space during the school day. They made me feel a little less alone.

 

You get to choose what you share with everyone. You might find it easier to start with small bits of information. But the more honest you are, the better help you can get.

 

I actually find written communication much easier than verbal communication. Whether that’s a text or email, it’s a strategy I still use to communicate what’s going on.

 

You say your friends agree with you… so you have already talked to someone about your mental health! That proves you can talk with someone else.

 

I know all this is hard. It took me a few years to ask for help. But it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. Asking for help is hard, but staying like ‘this’ is hard. You kind of have to choose your hard.

 

It’s definitely not smooth sailing yet, but asking for help has got me started on the road to recovery. I’m getting some quality of life back. No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

 
 
 
 
Voracious_Rooster
Voracious_RoosterPosted 10-12-2022 12:19 PM

I didn't actually reach out to my friends, they found out by witnessing me at my lowest if ykwim. It actually ruined a lot relationships, and I feel super guilty about that. 

I understand the biting the bullet idea, and i think you're right. I just feel scared that talking about this stuff makes it worse, and might have negative effects on my life. Even talking about it here has made me feel super empty and i havent moved from bed since yesterday. Is finding a professional likely to have a better effect? What if talking about this stuff just makes me dwell in this state even more? Atm, i think it will, but i dont know what else to do, because i know that ignoring it may lead to bad things too.

I was forced to see the school psychologist once, because my friend died, and it was the worst. She was not helpful at all. She didnt do anything wrong, it just wasnt helpful and i cant imagine what she could have done better to actually make it helpful. So i dont know what benefits could come about other than receiving medication which i doubt would occur for various reasons.

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-12-2022 02:08 PM

Sorry to hear about that @Voracious_Rooster 

It must have been a confusing time for you and your friends. Just remember that your mental illness is the problem, and your illness is not your identity.

 

Are you aware of what potential negative effects you are worried about? I guess you have to decide what’s bigger/more important/worthwhile… talking and receiving help, or staying silent?

 

To be honest, I often still feel worse after my psychologist appointments. I’m so used to bottling everything up and ignoring it, that talking about it can be quite confronting and overwhelming.

 

This is actually a main topic of conversation with my psychologist as I am trying to learn how to regulate my emotions. Learn how to feel safe as I open up.

 

When this happens, I just have to keep reminding myself that healing is a hard process, a long one, but it’s going to be worth it. I don’t want to be like this forever. I don’t want a life controlled by my bipolar.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

Hang in there ❤️

 
 
 
 
 
Voracious_Rooster
Voracious_RoosterPosted 10-12-2022 02:14 PM

thanks @Akinna 

i think im going to reach out soon. 

i hope your situation with your bipolar improves, and considering your initative and outlook, i have high hopes. 

thanks sm for all this

 
 
 
 
 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 10-12-2022 02:16 PM

Thanks, wishing you all the best ❤️

 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 10-12-2022 11:10 AM

Hi @Voracious_Rooster,

 

To give you a bit of a starting point on connecting with professional help, here is some info from Beyond Blue about Finding a Mental Health Professional as well as Getting Professional Help When You Don't Have Much Money, and this clip about What's It Like To See a Therapist is also really useful. This overview of How To Call a Helpline is another handy reference, and most helplines offer a webchat option as well, in case you don't have enough privacy to do a call over the phone.

 

From your original post, we see that you have been having a hard time, how are you able to take care of yourself over the weekend?

 

I'll also send you an email, so please keep an eye out for that.

 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 09-12-2022 11:04 PM

Hi @Voracious_Rooster

 

Welcome! It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of challenges throughout your life. Although you have experienced little stressed related traumas and have had a privileged life as you say, that doesn't make that you can't also experience poor mental health. Your difficulties are completely valid.

 

A lot of people have existential thoughts like the ones you have described. If you feel as though you are in the right headspace to have a read, some other community members have described their experiences here. What you are talking about is a really massive topic and I don't know that I can completely do it justice. It also depends who you ask - everyone will have a different opinion and it is about finding something that resonates with you. But no, you are not the only one who feels that way! I remember that StormySeas17 wrote a comment here about finding philosophy helpful and I have found the same thing. I also wonder what it would be like if you spent one day feeling as though things do matter? 

 

You seem really motivated to make a change and to discuss really big topics. I am wondering if you have any supports at the moment? Working long term with a therapist can be really beneficial to help figure out your own meaning to life. These topics can also create a low mood or a sense of hopelessness, so I would encourage you or anyone reading to seek support if it feels too much to manage. There are urgent support services available here including help for those experiencing thoughts of suicide.

 

Just so you know, I have sent you through an email, if you don't mind keeping an eye out for that. I have also added a TW to your post to let others reading know that your post has some heavy topics Heart 

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