I’ve been through many an existential crises, circling around the exact thoughts you’ve recounted! I once read a book called The Universe Doesn’t Give a Flying F*** About You. Sordid name but was very liberating to read because it gave me a new perspective to think about. Here’s a little excerpt from it: “
what I want to emphasise is although things don’t seem like they matter, you make the choice about what you want to matter to you if that makes sense. I find looking at it from that angle a lot more liberating. Personally, religion was what grounded me in the end. I’m curious if you’ve ever thought about your own spirituality? It’s definitely not a one size fits all and the great thing is that you can make it work for you rather than trying to stuff yourself into a pre-made mould.
Also everything you’re feeling is valid. There doesn’t have to be an underlying trauma for you for struggle with mental health. As they say, mental illness doesn’t discriminate. You could be living the most lavish lifestyle and still be fighting invisible demons like we see with some celebrities unfortunately. You sound like a really insightful person and that self reflection you do will serve you well. I sincerely hope you get the right support because you deserve to thrive and live a meaningful life
