When are people certain a relationship is definitely not right anymore and should break up?
Hey everyone,
This is probably my first post asking for help/advice etc.
I'm currently in my second relationship. For my first relationship, my ex was good at realizing when the relationship was not right for him, and he broke up with me. It was definitely really sad for me at the time, because I felt that something was off but didn't really see the breakup coming.
Now in my second relationship, I feel like the positions have swapped. In the recent few days, I've been getting a stronger and stronger feeling that breaking up is the right call, and that I should not drag it on any longer. I'm just wondering how's everyone's experience with relationships? When did you know breaking up is the right thing? (Sometimes the relationship is just not in a good spot and breaking up might not be the right call)
Thanks for any advice!
-Greenfern
Comments
I'm sorry going through this and it can be hard decision to make especially if you are worried about the person feelings.
I do understand where you are coming from though, a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I kept waiting for it to get better that something magical will happen and the feelings would come back. When I was thinking about breaking up with him, I had spoken to a friend for support who had been there from the beginning of the relationship and even speaking to my siblings about what they noticed about us when we were together. And even decided we were really just friends when I asked them. I think that might be a good place to start especially if you have had concerns in the past.
One thing I noticed particularly when I was in the relationship was my feelings and emotions. I noticed that when I was with him I was really sad and didn't want him near me, I struggled to make conversation or reply. I didn't even want him touching me and that was my biggest cue for me to break it off. And even I started deciding when I should break it off, yes it was horrible but I didn't want to hurt his feelings anymore than I already was. And over time the date eventually got closer and closer. I also noticed that everything he did was really annoying for me things I never had a problem in the past with but was having a really hard time getting over even when I spoke to him about it.
The thing I wish I recognised when I broke up with him if you can reflect on your relationship. Was I didn't really know him and his dislikes and wouldn't have had any idea what to get him for his birthday or Christmas. That he never really let me in which was challenging for me because when I felt he wasn't putting in the effort I stopped. We also had completely different life goals that was also a factor why I broke up with him. I wasn't ready to have kids in the next 5 years where he wanted them.
I hope this helps. Navigating relationships is really hard and can be challenging especially when you start thinking of things like this but do try to remember sometimes it can feel like this especially when you are growing at different pace. If it's any help when I ended things with him, it took me at least 6 weeks to work up the courage and to decide.
Hey @Rara
Thanks for the response!
I can relate to the emotions part. In fact, this experience really showed me that emotions are really honest and that even logic sometimes cannot override/change emotions. I definitely noticed that I didn't want to be physically that close to him compared to before, and that I was mentally distracted in the moment instead of being into the moment like before.
I like the idea of asking a close friend/other people who have been around since the relationship started. I've definitely asked them for advice/perspective in the past and I can definitely see how they can help improve clarity when it comes to break up decisions.
Thanks for the detailed answer; it was helpful 🙂
Hi @Greenfern
I'm glad that this was helpful. I hope you are doing okay, yes it was your decision to break up with this person it can still have an impact on you and can still be hard. I hope you have been able to surround yourself with friends and people you care about.
Thanks @Rara
I have been very fortunate to have good friends and family around this time. Its made things much more manageable. Yes, I was admittedly impacted for the first few days, but definitely feeling better lately. I'm still friends with my now ex and we have a close mutual friend 😄
Hey @Greenfern
I personally haven't experienced a breakup, but I supported my best friend through a breakup earlier this year, and I'll try my best to express what I observed and learnt.
Firstly, your feeling of urgency is normal, but the fear of acting on it often leaves people stuck in a relationship that is probably doomed, as well as allowing a person more time to forget or get over the reasons why they want to break up. These reasons or triggers probably won't go away spontaneously, and ideally they're things that you'd communicate to your partner. In the instance that these triggers are certain behaviours, actions, or even the lack of an action, if a partner doesn't change, or only temporarily changes them, I believe it's a definite signal to break up with them.
Sometimes, you can also outgrow your partner, and this tends to happen after some kind of shift in your life or your circumstances. If you don't feel like your partner is growing with you, or growing in a way that's compatible with where you want yourself to go, then the relationship is probably unsustainable.
Dealbreakers also exist, but sometimes, particularly in long term relationships, people excuse their partners for committing these dealbreakers, or push them aside. I would suggest you remind yourself of what you absolutely will not accept in a relationship. Unfortunately it may be easy to stay in a relationship where you're being pushed to an edge so slowly that you push the edge further away too, in order to avoid confronting the breakup process.
I don't know your specific issues with your relationship, and I don't expect you to reveal them if you're not comfortable with that, but I apologise if my observations aren't very tailored to your experiences because of that. I hope this was helpful, though. Wishing you well!
Hi @loona
Thanks for your response! I think you make some really good points and they are really well thought out.
I ended up initiating the breakup yesterday, although I wasn't fully 100% prepared for it 😅
The fear of the consequence was definitely holding me back; the relationship was also prolonged because I gave time to see if the reasons/triggers can be resolved over time. I don't regret prolonging it though, I learned a lot about how people handle conflict differently and we both came out of the relationship better people.
Hey @Greenfern
I hope that you're feeling okay after the breakup, and that you have a good support network too. I'm glad that you don't regret prolonging the relationship, and that you can see the growth it generated in both you and your partner. Hopefully you can take some time for yourself and enjoy it!
Thanks for this @loona
I feel relatively alright after the breakup, a lot better than my previous experience 😅
And yes, I will try to enjoy more time on my own! But also with friends :))
Hi Greenfern,
Thank you for sharing a little bit about what’s been going on for you. 😊
I know relationships can be tough, and it sounds like there’s been some difficult thoughts and feelings coming up for you at the moment that are really eating away at you.
I imagine it must have been hard for you going through that first breakup especially when you say it wasn’t something you saw coming.
You mention you’ve been having increasing thoughts and feelings about breaking up with your current partner as being the right thing to do. Do you mind me asking if you would like to share a little bit about what’s been going on that’s made you feel this way?
Here are some resources you might find helpful! Loveisrespect and Onelove in particular are really great websites for all questions about relationships 🌺
https://au.reachout.com/articles/is-your-relationship-past-its-use-by-date
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/10-reasons-to-end-your-relationship/
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-know-when-its-time-to-break-up/
Hi @Riley-RO
Yes, my first breakup was particularly difficult for me. There was the shock, but also at the time I didn't have the right friends/the right support network around me. My parents were overseas, and I lacked people to confide in properly.
This time, however, the situation is very different. I made the step to break up yesterday, and honestly my closest friends have been so, so, so supportive and helpful. It was the biggest friendship appreciation moment for me. Another part is I'm mentally and emotionally prepared this time. 🙂
I am so glad to hear you are sorrounded by supportive friends like that! It sounds like you made a big decision to listen to your thoughts/feelings and put yourself first. I wish you all the best moving forward 💜
