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depressed and drinking

My life: is a constant cycle between feeling sane for a short amount of time and feeling depressed, unwell and barely above water. I drink to cope. I am alone for most of the time, my partner works a lot, so I have plenty of time to wallow.

I'm at the age where I thought I would be past this feeling... low self esteem, drinking to cope...  To make things even better, I don't have a strong social group due to relocation. All my friends are either very busy or transient, and I've successfully had 3 falling outs with people whom I considered my closest friends in the last 3 years, due to differences of opinion of how I should have conducted myself (not-drinking related).... Attempting to grow into myself and be myself seems to always be met with disappointment and rejection. I'm constantly struggling to feel secure, and to find someone who will to stand up for me, and understands me. I didn't have it in my childhood and it seems to be what I am forever looking for now. I am different, I know that now... looking back, everything I did and how I learned, was all different. I wonder if I have a form of Asperges. It would explain a lot. I feel it everyday, people find my awkward and overly confident, but really I'm so vulnerable and desperate to make any connection.

Despite all of my best intentions, it is never any different... this seems to be my pattern in life. True connections are never made. I am so truly lonely. In my heart, I feel so alone. I keep waiting for the inevitable doom, where my life collapses, I lose my job and my husband and I have an excuse to say fuck it all, you got what you wanted, I'll leave you all in peace and just disappear to an isolated place and become a nobody. There's so much less pressure when you're a nobody.

I'm writing this because I DO want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely find comfort in feeling low and feeling the effects of alcohol/drugs.... it makes me feel like someone else, and takes the pressure off my shoulders. I just am so angry that this is the life I've been dealt and that makes me resilient to change... why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be likeable? Why doesn't anybody like me? Geez that's a horrible feeling.... it's entirely worse to begin to accept it and let it become you. Me: the unlikeable person.

Re: depressed and drinking

Hi there @leanna,

Welcome to ReachOut. I'm so glad you've reached out for some support and help. You've come to the right place. Smiley Happy

It sounds like you're feeling quite alone and isolated right now, which is really hard for anyone, especially if you're trying to manage your depression and drinking. Are you able to talk to your husband about what you're going through?

If you're thinking about what kind of help and support you need to start getting better, this fact sheet on getting help has some good information and tips. If you've been thinking about whether you might have Aspbergers, it could be a good idea to talk to a counsellor who could give you a formal diagnosis. Your GP can refer you to someone local to you.

It can be really hard to maintain friendships when you're suffering depression. I've been there myself. But you do deserve love and support, so I'm really glad to hear that you're looking for the support you need to start feeling better. Please stay in touch with us and let you know how you're going. Smiley Happy

 

blithe

Re: depressed and drinking

Hey Leanna - I agree with blithe, talking to your GP could be a great first step to getting you some proper support for your mental health and wellbeing. You don't have to do this all on your own - weather you do have Asperger's syndrome, or depression or an alcohol issue, your GP can help set you up with a psychologist or counsellor that can support you through this.

Good luck

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com