I Psychologically Harm Myself, because I Hate Myself
I feel like I have tried everything else, so maybe thing will help. I can hid behind my screen yet at the same time feel like I am actually telling someone about my problem.
I don't know why I hate myself.
Actually thats a lie, I know why. What I don't understand is why I can't convience myself that its all in my head. I live an extremly previliged life. I have an amazing family, great friends and honestly my life is pretty easy. I feel like I should be happy all the time, but the truth is that I am hardly ever happy. Yet no one seems to see that. I feel like I want to yell out for help because I am drowning yet I don't have a voice, and even if I did no one would be able to hear me anyways.
I hate myself so mcuh. The only reason I continue to push through is because I love my family and friends and I know that their lives would not be easier without me, well at least not at first. My little sister is my best friend and I know she looks up to me and loves me and it would mess her up to know that I am messed up. She has a hard enough time with me away at college, I don't know what she would do if I was gone forever. My parents are the same way. They love me so much, and I know it. Thats why I can't talk to them though, they would be so destroyed to figure out that I am so f*$%ed up, they would feel like they failed me as my parents. Which of course isn't true. Its not their fault, they have only ever been supportive and loving.
So on to why I hate myself.
First, I am not a good person. I try, I really do. I volunteer, I love to help people and heal people. But I can do better, I still hurt people. Maybe its not intentional, but I do. I can do so much more for the world and yet I don't do it. How can I love myself knowing that I am not doing all the good I could be? Mother Theresa helped millions of people, and yet I am over here being selfish, watching netflix and feeling sorry for myself.
Second, I am not smart. I don't get good grades. I can't even say that I try to get all As because I don't. I just feel like there is more to life then simply getting good grades. Thats when reality sets back in and I realize I need to do well in school to do well in life, at least according to socities ideals.
Third, I have a hard time beliving that anyone likes me. Really, I question how much my friends want to be friends with me all the time. Why? Because I wouldn't want to be friends with myself. So why should they want to waste their time on me. I am in a Sorority and yet I feel all the girls are able to connect so much deeper then myself. I just have a really hard time making a deep emotional connection.
Fourth, I have now had sex with 9 guys. I am a slut. I am 20 years old. The last one i stopped us as soon as we started because I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I hate myself so much for having sex. People tell you then to just stop but I spent my life growing up being told that I was attractive and having society drop my self worth to how much guys want me. Don't get me wrong, I wear the typical girl next door outfit. You know jeans and natural make up are pretty much my go to. Yet I never have a problem getting guys, in fact I have a harder time getting them to stay away. The things is that no guy wants to date me. I am the slam piece that they get to brag to their friends about. When I am really depressed I find a guy to adore me and to tell me that I am attractive and then they usual make a move, where that all leads to depends. Usually I don't stop it because I trust the guy and they are one of my friends, but then afterwards I hate myself for it so much that it causes me to feel ill.
Sorry for the long rant, I will probably have more to say later. I just had to get these thigs out because I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in.
Comments
hi @WonderGirl
I feel like your sharing a quite a relatable story. For things on the outside to look completely fine, but then still to feel something missing on the inside.
From my experience, I think a lot of the time we are trying to fill cups that have empty bottums. Similar to how you mentioned 'societies ideals', I think that when we are trying to live up to expectations that are not congruent with who we truely are. For example the schooling system favours particular styles and subjects of learning....which isnt for everyone. Hence why some of the most succesful people in the world do not do well or even finish high school ( many successful people do)
I really want to encourage you to hold onto your self belief and not think that you are not smart because one measurement tool tells you you did poorly.
While it can be helpful talking on forums, may I suggest going a speaking to a professional support person such as a cousnellor or psychologist in person. It seems like you have a lot on your mind, and it may be helpful to be able to get it all off your chest to someone who is going to listen to you confidentially. Over a few sessions they may be able to offer some insights or advice to your as they get to know you and can see some themes emerging.
Thank you for posting, we are happy to listen to anything else you might want to express 🙂
Hey @WonderGirl
Welcome to ReachOut Australia. Looks like you've found we Australians across the Pacific 
We're here to hear you out! But for ears a bit closer to home, there's ReachOut.com USA.
Sorry to hear that you're feeling hateful at the moment 
Sounds like you're very self-aware of what's been happening and the people around you. I just want to let you know that I think that it takes a lot of courage to write out what you're feeling and to speak out. I believe that with your strength and might, you can overcome this.
It can be a real challenge to make deep emotional connections with other people - whether this is in friendships or relationships. People can relate to others in different ways; from hobbies and interests to work and even through having mutual acquaintances. Because of this, we tend to have varying 'depth' in our relationships. Maybe there's a few people that you can chat about your fave TV show with whereas there's others, of whom you'd spill the beans with. It looks like you have a fairly social life, living in a sorority and seeing people. Do you think that meeting people by other means (like clubs and hobbies) could be a way to connect on a deeper level?
Have you spoken to anyone about this like a counsellor or a professional? You've said that your family and your younger sister are amazing people but you don't want to burden them. Some people are more helpful and supportive than you think. Starting the initial convo can be pretty hard, but knowing that you're not alone during these tough times could help you with reaching out.
Stay strong and let us know how you go 
