i feel like shit
this is just going to be a bit of a ramble, but here we go.
I don't know why, but I just feel like shit sometimes. a lot of the time, actually. I could be having the best day ever, but as soon as I'm alone with my thoughts I just start to sink into dysphoria. and as much as I try, as much as I read online or hear in real life, I can't manage to view myself with anything other than utter contempt. and i don't have anyone to talk to. I'm not allowed my phone at night, meaning i can't talk to any of my friends, which is when i usually feel worst, and i know my parents would be supportive but i just don't feel comfortable talking to them. and i feel like i have no idea if any of those friends hate my guts or just don't care, so i never try to talk to anyone. and consciously, i understand how lucky i am. my family has plenty of money to live off, my parents both have secure and decent-paying jobs, but i can't, for the life of me, feel lucky. everything feels pointless. like coming out to my parents. i thought there would be some weight lifted off my shoulders, or it at least you feel good to have it out in the open, but i just felt nothing. empty. whenever I'm sad, which is most nights, i just lie in bed and listen to music or just try to not think. and at school, it just feels like i have no identity. do you know what i mean when i say that none of my best friends would likely consider me one of their best friends? so i just usually sit in the library and read all break, and just wait for it to be over. all of the friend groups of my close friends are either people i don't know and i'm not comfortable sitting with, or they just flat-out hate me. i hate sports and PE so i don't exactly have much in common with most of the people in my grade. i just feel so tired. figuratively and literally. i never have any energy and i never feel rested even after 10 hours of sleep, and mentally, i'm just so exhausted. don't even know why. i barely eat during at school or before, just dinner and occasionally something between the end of school and dinner, so that might have something to do with it. but i just never have an appetite, so to eat during the day i have to literally force-feed myself.
i guess i just needed to scream into the semi-void. it's not like i have a terrible life, i'm not bullied or anything, so it's not like i actually have anything to sad about. it simultaneously feels like there's something wrong, but at the same time, there's nothing actually wrong, and im just tired and overreacting.
maybe i am just tired.
i just don't know.
Comments
Hey @Fern_Herring,
Thank you for sharing how you've been feeling, opening up to others is not always an easy thing. It sounds like you're being so hard on yourself at the moment, and you're feeling so tired and isolated. It makes sense you don't feel lucky with everything you've been going through. I think, there will always be someone who is worse off than us, but that shouldn't invalidate our pain. It doesn't sound like you're overreacting or just tired. It sounds like you've been going through a pretty tough time without much support.
You mentioned that you listen to music at night to help you get through and reading helps you get through the school day? You say you feel like you don't have an identity, but we can already see some of your personality shining through on the community! Do you think reading and music and not liking sport might make up a small part of who you are? I wonder if there are others who might share these interests who you could connect with?
You also mentioned coming out to your parents but that it wasn't like you expected. We're here to listen if this is something you want to talk more about
Just a heads up as well we'll be sending you an email shortly so keep an eye out for that!
