Feeling icky about some things
Okay so I recently graduated from high school and I’d really been looking forward to finishing and starting uni and making new friends and socialising and all that. But idk I feel kinda off about it, like I went to an all girls school and now that I’m going to uni where there are going to be people of all genders my parents keep making comments about me getting boyfriends and whenever I want to hangout with my friends they make a joke about me meeting up with like a secret boyfriend or something and it makes me really uncomfortable. And they also go on about staying away from guys because I’m “naive” and “easy to be taken advantage of” and the fact that their projecting that onto me because I’m no longer in an all girls high school anymore makes me really uncomfortable. I have no problem with guys at all but the way they word it makes it sound like I’m sexualising myself or something when I’m really not and I honestly don’t even want a relationship right now but they assume I do because I’m older.
The other thing is my parents are also quite strict about alcohol. This I don’t really mind because I’ve never really had the desire to drink (idk I just don’t think it’s my thing) but my friends are starting to turn 18 and so they’re starting to drink and because of that im going to be around them when they’re drinking and the way my parents make drinking out to be such a bad thing makes me feel kinda grossed out about it. Like I want to go to parties and social gatherings and events and all that but idk the thought of being around alcohol makes me feel off. Also my friends are all going to be going clubbing but my parents won’t allow me even after I turn 18 which gives me a little fomo tbh. Like I don’t think I would like clubbing but if I can’t be around alcohol then I’m scared that my friends aren’t going to want to hangout with me much.
I don’t know if I phrased any of that correctly but does anyone kinda get what I mean?
Comments
Hi @ChosenUndead,
Firstly, I want to congratulate you for finish high school. You should be incredibly proud with this achievement. 💚
Also, it's completely understandable to feel uncomfortable with the comments made by your parents about relationships and alcohol, especially when it feels like they're projecting their assumptions onto you. Something with the potential to be helpful is to set clear boundaries regarding topics that you're comfortable talking about them with. However, I understand that this isn't always possible.
Regarding the alcohol and clubbing, it’s okay to not want to drink or participate in those activities. However, I can see why it might feel isolating, especially with your friends getting involved in those scenes more regularly now that they're starting to turn 18. As your friendships are important to you, I'm wondering if there are other activities you could do with them outside of that space that you feel more comfortable with?
All in all, it’s important to remember that you can form your own choices separate from what others might pressure you into. This won't always be easy, however there's a lot of value in putting your well-being first.
Sending you all my best! 💚
Hi@Scarlet_Locust @Luna_Lovegood @CherryNova thank you all for your kind words. It makes me feel a lot better to know that what I'm experiencing is more common and part of the growing up process and not just me overthinking everything. It makes sense that my parents would just be a little nervous about me growing up, I feel like most parents are like that anyway, it's just hard to talk to them about it. When I try to bring up the comments they make they laugh it off and say I'm being too sensitive. It's also a little difficult to negotiate with them as it's kind of part of our culture that children need to obey everything their parents tell them to do. I'm south Asian and our culture is a little more strict. But it is very reassuring to know that it's just apart of growing up and I'm not necessarily doing anything bad or wrong.
You're not alone @ChosenUndead , I feel you!! I'm also south Asian and I felt this "rule" that children always obeyed the parents and that their opinion mattered the most. And this expectation was sooo hard to get over, especially when addressing their uncomfortable comments they think that are jokes but can be actually hurtful sometimes. I also had difficulty in talking to my parents about this so I just found small ways to remind them that their comments were not ok and after a long journey they finally understood. I think all that matters is that they understand in the end, and I think these conversations or subtle reminders can be really helpful 💛.
@CherryNova omg fellow south Asian! Yeah I kind of feel like I can't defy or go against my parents rules and expectations. Usually it's not that difficult, like I don't really misbehave or anything but they assume that I'd go and do something behind their backs like drinking or clubbing which is frustrating because I wouldn't. But I think my mum is starting to become aware of having to let me grow up. Recently she let my friend drive me to their house which is something she absolutely forbade before and it went perfectly fine so I think there's a little bit more trust there. So yeah I think subtle reminders and taking small steps could progressively help.
I hear you@ChosenUndead ! I'm so glad you found a little comfort in our words, you're absolutely right that these are pretty common, part-of-growing-up type feelings. It can be really tricky to navigate these types of conversations with parents, but especially when you're also considering cultural conventions around parent/child relationships too. Just a thought - I know you've said that you've brought the comments a couple times, but I'm wondering whether you'be explicitly communicated to them that you're finding this to be really upsetting/hurtful/confusing?
Hello@Scarlet_Locust , yeah I've told them their comments upset me and that I dont like it but they tell me I'm being too sensitive and that I need to grow a thicker skin. I kind of get it because there's alot worse things going on the world than just feeling frustrated over a few comments but it does make me feel a little frustrated and unnecessarily uncomfortable. It also makes me anxious when my friends suggest going out or when they talk about clubbing and drinking, just because of how my parents feel. Asking them permission to do certain activities makes me anxious sometimes.
Hey@ChosenUndead ,
This sounds really tough, thanks for sharing with us. You've phrased everything perfectly, I absolutely get what you mean! Graduating high school and starting uni is a big big achievement so first I wanted to say congrats!!
It sounds like since you've graduated it feels like things have changed a bit, especially with the way that your parents treat you. So you've mentioned that you're parents have been making lots of comments about guys/you having a secret boyfriend, which have been making you feel pretty uncomfortable. I think it's really fair that you're finding this pretty frustrating, I remember feeling a similar way when I was a bit younger too. I remember feeling upset but also frustrated because it felt like the people making these comments to me were making a whole bunch of assumptions about me, who I was, and what I was or wasn't doing. And to me it felt like all of these assumptions were based on stereotypes for teenage girls, which are, often, lets face it, not great, and often not true.
You've also mentioned mixed feelings about drinking culture/clubbing/turning 18 as well. I think there can be lots of pressure around social drinking in Australia and it sounds like you're already aware of different kinds pressure coming from your friends and family re alcohol. The fact of the matter is that whether you drink or not is completely up to you, it's completely your decision. You might like to give it a go and see whether you like alcohol, but you might decide that it's also not for you, and that's fine as well! I used to drink a little, but I'm alcohol free now (for a couple different reasons!) and while I have noticed that some people judge a little, most people really don't care. Also, you're totally allowed to not drink but still hang out at clubs/bars/different social settings too if you like.
If you feel comfortable enough to do so, I absolutely think that a chat with your parents is in order. It sounds like these comments are pretty constant and they're weighing on your mind quite a bit. I know that there's an RO article about having difficult conversations with your parents that might be worth a look if you feel like it: https://au.reachout.com/relationships/communication-skills/5-ways-to-get-your-parents-to-really-listen-to-you .
Sending love and good vibes 💜
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this! It sounds very jarring that on one hand your parents say you have a secret boyfriend and you'll be getting boyfriends once you start uni but then say you're "naive". It sounds like your parents are scared to see you grow up and are just worried you will be doing these types of new things now you will be around guys. It's definitely damaging on you for them to express it in the way that they have, but I feel like it is just because they are not ready to let you go and they are projecting their own fears in a way that makes you feel like you are doing something wrong when you definitely are not! You are just growing up and they need to accept that (even though you haven't started uni or met someone yet), these things are natural and experiencing relationships and going out with friends are just things people do. You will figure out for yourself what you like and don't like to do. It all comes with experience.
My parents are strict aswell so I understand what it feels like to want to spend time with your friends whilst also keeping your parents happy. It was hard to maintain a balance of doing things I wanted to try, doing enough things I thought would stop my friends from thinking I was lame, and obeying my parents rules. In reality though, if your friends do not want to spend time with you just because you don't want to drink alcohol, then they weren't really good friends.
I can also relate to feeling off aboout certain things because of how my parents framed it. I was so used to only listening to them and taking everything they said as how things should be that I became anxious to try new things because I thought I was doing something wrong. It wasn't until I was alot older that I realised that they were conditioning me to feel that way, whether it was on purpose or not, they shaped everything I did and always ensured I had those lingering thoughts in the back of my mind that "I shouldn't be doing this", "my parents won't like this", and "I am going to get in trouble." These thoughts were unhealthy and they diminished the ability to have an open and honest relationship with my family and hindered my own path of self-discovery.
If you don't want to drink alcohol then that's okay, there's nothing wrong with that as long as it's your own choice. It is completely okay to feel uncomfortable around alcohol, I don't love drinking myself. However, after you turn 18 you should be able to make the choice as to whether you want to go clubbing or not. I know it's easier said than done when your parents won't let you but you won't be able to figure out what you want to do if you haven't tried it. If you go and you hate it thats completely fine, but let that be because you didn't enjoy it, not because your parents told you that it's a bad thing. I'm not saying defy your parents and go out anyway, but as @CherryNova stated, it would definitely be a good idea to communicate your feelings with your parents. Let them know how they are making you feel and communicate that once you turn 18 you just want to try clubbing out and see what it is like for yourself. Express to them that that doesn't mean you'll be drinking, it is just something you want to experience.
I understand what it is like to feel sheltered and wrapped in bubble wrap by your family. I did not want to disobey them but I still wanted to do things they didn't want me to do. I tried to maintain a good relationship with my parents by being honest and telling them what I want to do, instead of hiding it from them. It took quite some time and many long conversations, but I feel like I am finally in a position where I can make my own decisions and they accept that. It just took them awhile to come to terms with the fact that I am an adult now, and their wants may not reflect my own.
I am not saying our experiences are the same, but I can relate to how you're feeling and want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a medium with your parents that keeps both parties happy.
If you wish to discuss it more down the track, I am always happy to chat!
Hi @ChosenUndead,
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel uncomfortable around these comments and feeling fomo from clubbing, which is understandable from your conflicting situation. And I think navigating these challenges of parental expectation and changing social circles shows resilience and a strong sense of self, of which I am proud of to see and that you should be proud of too!
I also relate to this so much and I know what you mean!! I totally see how this situation is uncomfortable or feel confusing because you have one side of your parents joking around about you having a boyfriend, but another side where they don't allow you drinking alcohol or going to clubs. When I was experiencing something similar, I felt this feeling of my parents not wanting me to grow up but also wanting me to at the same time, maybe you feel the same?
And all these feelings of fomo and feeling off around alcohol is totally normal! I also felt the same where drinking alcohol was big in socialising with my friends and that if I didn't engage, we wouldn't hang out as much. There can be this pressure to drink with your friends but also feel off because your parents are strict about alcohol, is that right? But I think it's important to remind ourselves that friendships can happen and flourish outside of alcohol! There should be no pressure to engage in something that you are uncomfortable in doing, in which I overcame by doing more chill hangouts with my friends.
Something that helped me during this tough time was communicating with my parents about my feelings and perspective on their comments or rules. It can be hard to change their views but I think giving them your perspective can bring a new light to the situation. And I know that this can be a daunting process so only do what feels right to you.
Let me know if there's anything I misunderstood. Wishing you all the best-- you're doing great! 💜
