Lost in life.. :(
I haven't been on the forums for months, and I'm not sure I belong here anymore! I went home to Europe over Christmas, and planned to stay for 3 weeks not more!! But for everyday I woke up, my heart started telling me that this is where I belong, that Australia was just a phase in my life, a break from reality, and now I was meant to come back to Europe and start my life for real!!
As much as I wanted to listen to that voice my brain kept coming up with all the negatives. I've not gone to school in Sweden for years, all my friends and family live in Australia, I'd need to retake at least 3 years of school to fit in the system... I'd have to break up with the therapist I had recently started to trust. In fact I couldn't come up with a single positive to not going with my parents back to Australia...
After tossing and turning everything around I came to the decision of staying just for a bit longer, at least until my summerbreak was over.... My family went back and I stayed behind, and one day out of the blue I dropped out of my former highschool without thinking about it twice. All of a sudden I belonged no where, and I thought it'd make things a lot easier.
Unfortunately it only made things worse, my parents went crazy at me, and I lost all the confidence that I had taking the decision!! From that day on things have kept going the wrong direction, I've been anxious about almost everything and especially my future, started to consider self harm again, barely get out of bed in the morning, I've screwed my life up so badly 😞
Comments
It's a courageous but difficult decision to just suddenly live in another country. I should know, I move to a new country every six months and when the moving date looms, I always get really anxious. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, I understand that feeling you have where you say it feels "right".
There's a lot of great advice from the others above that's worth following.
My question to you is this: Are you sure that it feels right, and doesn't just feel lighter?
When I was 25 I moved to another country for the first time and, at first, I thought it all felt right. After a couple of weeks I realised that wasn't it at all — it's just that everything felt lighter. By lighter, I mean that I had no responsibilities, no obligations, and all the time to just revel in my own self. But, what I was ignoring was the fact that reality was getting closer with every day. My money was going to run out and I needed to find a job, an apartment, and all the rest. It came pretty close, I panicked and nearly ended up a little bit homeless… but I was able to pull through at the last minute and get myself settled.
Years later I eventually discovered what really "felt right" for me, but that feeling of being somewhere new and having only discovery in front of me and no obligations was not the right feeling at all.
What do you think? 🙂
Thank you all so much!!! I'm currently staying with my cousin and his girlfriend whilst I hopefully sort things out a little bit more. On one hand I'm confident that this is the right place to be right now for me, however it might only be because my parents think it's the worst idea ever and I want to prove them wrong 😛
But I'm also aware somehow I need money coming in for things to work out, can't live on my saves forever.. And that's issue #2! I haven't finished highschool here or there, and it's still another 6 months until I'll get the chance to properly start it here, although I'd need to work hard for that too as the last application day has already passed!! In the mean time all I can really do is hang around and try to get some credits for what I actually have done in Australia!! It might not give me any cash, but at least it can shorten the amount of time I need to spend in highschool!!
As for therapy, I'm well aware I need to arrange something, but I find it really really hard, and on top of that it's money I don't really have at the moment...
Hi Sofia,
Great that you've decided to stay and have been looking at what you need to do.
With the whole therapy aspect, try to do some research and see if there is some online support services, or hotlines that you can ring in the meantime until you can work out what you can do about therapy. Do you talk to your cousin much? If you feel comfortable maybe you can ask her to steer you in the right direction.
In terms of money, maybe try to see if you can get some sort of job? Even babysitting for family members or something. It might take a little bit of stress off you.
Good on you.
It sounds a little bit like you're fighting your intuition and denying yourself the one thing you want. The thing that seems to be drawing you back to Australia are your comforts. Yes it will be really hard and difficult to create a new life in Europe, but it takes about a year to really start feeling comfortable in a new place. I know...I've done it myself! Sometimes I still feel a little lost, but I know that every time I go home I now as myself, 'why did I even come here?' Because I end up feeling terrible, which only confirms that I am better off where I am.
The first place I would start is with finding a new therapist. I think that's important with just establishing your new life, then hopefully with time you can learn to trust them as easily. Don't back out because it's seeming too hard or overwhelming. Although also don't continue with it if the reason you feel you left your life behind was to run away from problems. For they will follow you wherever you go.
It's hard and complicated, but I hope you can try to start slowly working it out.
I agree with Sagira, if therapy was helping you in Australia I think you should make that a high priority. It'll be important and useful if you choose to stay in Sweden, or it could help you decide whether Australia or Sweden is a better option for you.
If you do decide that you think you've made a mistake and want to return to your parents - it's an easily fixed mistake. You can always come back and get your life back the way it was going.
Perhaps you need/ed to return and re-experience Sweden to make you feel better with your other life. Conversely, you could have been right and truely want/need to stay there.
Either decision is fine. Neither means you're life is ruined.
Do you have any idea on what you want more long-term? Say in five years, what would you like your life to be like? Stay realistic though! Does one of them make Sweden/Australia the obvious option or is it possible to achieve in either?
Could you look into the options available to you in Sweden, compared to your options available to you in Australia? See if any appeals to you the most.
Remember, just because you choose one of the countries doesn't mean you're abandoning everything/one about the other. There's communication (skype, facebook, phone, letters) and of course travelling back and forth.
It's difficult for right now, but with just a few decisions things will be getting better again.
