TW: Hello and Update
Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since I last posted. I just wanted to say hi, update you on how things have been, and ask for some advice.
So I would say things have started to improve since December last year. I'd come off my mood stabiliser with the help of my GP, as I didn't need it anymore. The adjustment period went all right; nothing happened there. Fast forward to this year and about six weeks ago, with my psychologist, we didn't have much to discuss. We were going over some meditation stuff I'd been doing, which has been a big help. Anyway, my Mum and Dad were over for the Richmond vs. Carlton AFL game, which was hard to watch, as were the other three games, being a Carlton supporter. Anyway, Mum asked if I could skip the session, and I didn't think I needed it, and being busy with them helped. A week later, I decided to go to my psychologist fortnightly. It was a tough decision I had to make as I had been going weekly for about 18 months.
Inititally I was happy about it once I told my psych, gosh after it was hard and it's taken a lot of processing to move forward with the dision. It brought up a lot of emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, fear, guilt, grief, uncertainty, vulnerability, loeliness, and doubt. These emotions were complicated, but as I write this, it's still been good to go fortnightly.
So the two weeks came around I talked to him about how it was a struggle the two weeks we went though that and a few other things. Anyway, I found it hard when he said we were coming to the end of the session. He asked me to recap, as we do that in every session, to ensure we are both on the same page. Anyway I honestly wanted to cry so badly I felt very overwhelmed. Thinking back to it, I felt like I was losing connection after being connected for about 80 minutes. Maybe a build-up of emotions as well. I honestly wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I don't know why, at the moment, I didn't say anything, as I regret that, and I did after the session once I left. Knowing I would have to wait two weeks to tell him how I felt as we were ending made things much worse. Honestly, I wanted to go back and knock on the door and tell him how I felt. I didn't, but I wanted to. Question: With that, would anyone do that or have thought of doing that?
Also, does anyone have advice on overthinking? In the two weeks between the last session and the one before, I couldn't stop overthinking my session, like, did I do the right thing? It was eating me up inside.
Anyway, I am back to Thursday, so after I calmed down from the session that night and until today, I am still thinking about it again and overthinking. I wish I could park it in the back of my mind, knowing I'm going to talk to my psych about it in two weeks.
I also wish he had noticed my change, like when he said we were near the end. I honestly could tell my facial expressions changed, and I was being very vague in recapping and wanting to get out of there quickly. That seems to be a key thing, and I'm hoping he will notice. Maybe I need to let him know that if something seems off to push it, I will share as now I have to live with that I didn't say anything for two weeks, which sucks big time. He even said I might feel sad over the next two weeks because of not seeing him, etc., and I thought I was right now. How could he not tell? Was it because we were coming to the end? But previously, I think I got upset, and it either goes like it did on Thursday due to me worrying about the time as I didn't want to go over with me crying. Once, I think he noticed my lip was quivering, which gave it away, but we didn't get too far into it. I don't seem to let myself fully feel think with him. I wish I did, as that's one reason to see a psychologist.
Does anyone know anything about Intellectualising emotion? I do that a bit, like analysing them and not letting myself process them. Or I go into trying to fix them instead of letting them be.
Anyway, that was longer than I thought. I hope that's okay. I just wanted to share how things have been going.
Overall, I am doing much better than I have in the past. I am safe, and I know I can contact KHL for extra support if needed
Comments
Hi,
So I saw my psych today, and overall, the session was good. I started by asking him if he had noticed anything in the last session, and he said he did, so that made it easy to bring it up. Anyway, we talked about it, and he kept asking what I wanted at the end, and I'm not sure what I want/wanted.
After that, we spoke about Monday and how a guy who used to be my friend and how we are not anymore, due to some reasons and becuase of Anzac day so I moved to the Monday lab and that person is in it anyway so I texted him to say hey and to let him know. Okay, so he texted back and asked if we could hang out and catch up after the lab, but he ended up leaving early and said 'Catch you next time' via text message. I was a bit upset about it because he said we should meet up. So my psych and I talked about that for a bit.
We moved on to talking about how I didn't stand up for myself in front of my roommate about how they are messy. So we dug into that, so to speak, and said that maybe something from my past was holding me back. He said like a person from my past who bullied me. I agreed with that, and we also explored it.
Okay, so now we get to the end, and he is checking in to see how I am okay as the session was ending. I had the feeling that we didn't entirely go over why he didn't say anything last fortnight, when I was clearly upset. So I asked him, and we obviously didn't have long left. But I didn't want to leave it like I did last fortnight, so he said he had noticed but didn't say anything because of "time". Which I instantly didn't like. The only reason he didn't say anything was because of the time. He couldn't go over five minutes when I was clearly upset. It honestly felt like a punch in the gut.
I agreed and said I understood that with timing, but honestly, it hurt. He asked if I was angry about it, and I said I was. For the past two weeks, I had been wondering if he had noticed something was wrong, but he didn't say anything, due to the timing. Like why? How can someone do that? He did say he was happy that I shared that I was angry with him. Then the next minute, he said we were done. One minute we were talking, and then I was out the door.
I know I mentioned it at the end, but he was asking how I was feeling, and it was just there in my mind; I needed to say something. I felt so bad bringing it up at the end, as it didn't leave enough time to process it, but it just happened. I honestly feel so stupid.
I then had to go to work, so I tried to process it for a bit. Work was good, though. I'm not feeling great now, though, I've come home and cried a bit. It just hurts so much. I am safe at the moment, trying to self-soothe right now. I will call KHL if I need. I'm watching TV and will go to bed soon.
Hey @Red_Flamingo!
It's great to hear that your last psych session went well, and it's okay not to know what you want straight away, it can take a little time to figure things out, and I'm sure many of us can relate to that feeling of trying to intellectualise your way through it and how frustrating it can be when you're not sure no matter how hard you think about it.
I can hear how hurtful it was to have your psychologist bring up time for the reason they didn't say anything in your last session, even when you do understand it. It sounds really hard leaving things unresolved like that, so I can understand needing to say something and communicate how you were feeling in the moment.
It sounds like it's been difficult sitting with these thoughts running through your head, and it really shows how strong you are doing your best to process and self-soothe. I'm wondering how you're feeling now? And I was curious if you've been able to have some time away from thinking about what happened?
Looking forward to your reply 🙂
Hi,
Yes, it was good overall until the last ten minutes or so. Yeah, I do hope I can be more specific when I see him next fortnight about what I would like.
Yes, very much so, it honestly was the worst thing he could say. It left me last night sobbing and feeling so alone and angry. I just don't get how he could just let me leave if I'm clearly upset.
Today has been hard, but I did watch Carlton win a game in the AFL tonight against North Melbourne, so that gave me something to focus on for a bit. I wouldn't say I'm feeling great now, my so-called friend wasn't very supportive when I was telling her all this and somehow decided to start comparing my past trauma and emotional issues with hers. She does it a lot which sucks and it just lef tme feeling not supported when that's all I wanted. She was being very dismissive as well.
Below are some thoughts I had today. I've been pretty angry about it all. I'm unsure if I'm not being fair to him with the boundary around time, but seeing I was upset and letting me leave feels like a bit of a no-no. I would never do that. What sucks was that last fortnight he could have spent five minutes making sure I'm okay and to leave and not feel like how I feel below and lead me to fixate and ruminate over what was said or lack of for two weeks. Five minutes is all I'm asking, not half an hour or an hour, and I have no clue what time it is, so I am relying on him.
I’ve been feeling really angry and upset after what happend with psych. It honestly felt like a sucker punch. A real kick in the guts. I was left feeling abandoned and betrayed, and all because of timing and boundaries. It felt incredibly unfair, like the focus was on the clock instead of how I was feeling. In those moments, it didn’t feel like there was care or space for what I was going through. I went home and cried for ages, and now I’m just sitting with all of it for two weeks, hurting big time.
Gosh, I really need to vent sometimes, like my friend was no help, just comparing herself to me and not understanding how I was feeling and then to start going off about how I am not doing anything to help myself.
One thing that comes to mind is when I talked to my regular at KHL, and we talked about how I treat myself when something happens. So she said to try to be kinder to myself when saying something after something happens. I didn't remember that in the moment yesterday (when I said I was stupid many times), but upon reflecting on it today, I realised that I didn't, but at least I can recognise that I didn't.
Anyway, so then my so-called friend comes out and says that I hadn't been trying and that even though KHL and psych give me things to do, I don't use them like in the above situation. She said it really rudely as well. I honestly don't get what goes on for her.
This is about a so-called friend.
I’m feeling a bit confused and hurt by some of the things she’s said. She keeps expressing frustration that I’ve been in therapy for over a year but haven’t made enough active changes on my own. She believes that healing is about taking personal responsibility, and thinks that relying on KHL, psych, is holding me back. It’s as if she thinks that because I’ve been in therapy for a while, I’m not trying hard enough or I’m too comfortable being sad.
She also keeps comparing my experiences to hers, like how she was bullied at work and dealing with financial stress. She says she understands hardship, but she chooses to help herself rather than depend on others. It feels like she’s saying I should do the same, which is hard to hear.
Another thing she said is that my sadness and pessimism affect her negatively. She feels like we always have the same conversation without anything positive, and it seems like she’s saying it’s dragging her down. She doesn’t want to keep talking about my struggles because she thinks it’ll upset me and make her more frustrated.
Then, she questioned whether I’ll ever change and even brought up whether we’ll still be friends in 5 years, which felt really distancing and made me feel like she’s unsure about staying connected. I just don’t understand why she’s acting like this, and it’s been really hard for me to process.
I will be speaking with my regular at KHL tomorrow, so it's lucky that I can make sure I will go over this and see what she thinks. I am safe right now, I'm about to go to bed, but I will reach out to KHL if I need to.
Hey Red_Flamingo, it is so good to see you using this forum. Thank you for sharing.
I understand how upsetting it can be when time constraints make an appointment with a medical professional short, especially when you feel you need the extra time. Nevertheless, it is very good that you articulated how you felt with your psychologist, so they know to keep that in mind for the next session.
As for the friend situation, I used to be in a similar predicament. It is very clear that you are taking steps to manage your mental health, and it is important to remember that changing is not necessarily healing... even if it were, everyone heals at a different pace with different methods and so on. That is to say that the steps you take, no matter how small or slow they seem to others, are personal to you.
In terms of processing, and with your previous post about over-intellectualising, I find that it is helpful for me to not search for an answer and simply accept "that's the way they are," or "sometimes there doesn't need to be an answer." I find that the feeling is uncomfortable for me, but after letting myself cry and just feel my emotions, I feel better the next day. I've been attempting to do this strategy for myself for around 1-2 years, and each time I feel that it becomes easier for me to 'bounce back.'
I'm glad to hear that you have a variety methods to help you keep afloat.
Kind regards,
~ Stego
Hi,
Thank you for your reply.
I know it sucks I wish time was never a factor but it always is, it was just hurtful to know that it ended on him knowing and not saying anything. Yes, well, he has done something similar a couple of times, so at this rate, he may never change.
Yes, well, I thought I was, but I guess to her I'm not, but it's okay. She doesn't always have to agree with me, I guess.
Okay, do you have any more advice on the intellectualising? Like when you say "that's the way they are," or "sometimes there doesn't need to be an answer." Are you referring to the first one to a person, and what if I want an answer? I guess it's hard to let go and move on. I am pleased you found it helpful. I do hope I can get there.
Hi @Red_Flamingo, thank you for sharing. I can see how the session with your psych when he noticed that something was wrong but didn’t say anything because of time has affected you a lot. I can understand how upsetting and hurtful it was, especially that you couldn’t see him and talk to him about this for two weeks. It must’ve been really difficult dealing with this by yourself so I am glad that you were able to bring this up to him.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble with your friend recently and that she said some things that have made you feel hurt and confused. Your experiences are not the same, and even if they are, your path to healing will always be different. Everyone heals in their own way; it’s not linear and it’s okay to take longer than the others. Getting more help and taking longer doesn’t mean that you’re not trying enough, it just means that the way you heal is different from others and that is perfectly fine. The fact that you’re actively seeking support is already a huge step towards healing and shows that you’re taking personal responsibility.
In any case, it’s reassuring to hear that you are safe and will reach out to KHL if you need to. I am also glad that you will be speaking with KHL and will have the opportunity to discuss this with your regular.
I wish you all the best and feel free to come here anytime. Sending you lots of hugs and love 🤗💙
Hi,
Thank you for your reply it really means a lot.
Yes, it was pretty awful to be honest, but after talking to my regular at KHL, I have a few things, so we don't end on a negative note, like when we end, we always talk about self-care. So i will talk to my psych abut ending with clarity, an action plan and on self care so I won't say anything that might lead me to feeling upset.
Yes, I thought the same regarding my friend. I feel she can be a bit immature when it comes to emotions compared to me.
With KHL I dind't even get time to talk about my friend we only talked about my psych which sucks, but we ran out of time. So I couldn't say anything.
Anyway, I'm enjoying my afternoon/evening. I've been listening to the Eras tour while working on my lab report that is due on Monday. I am just about to have dinner, and again, I am safe, and if I need more support, I can call KHL again.
Thanks for reaching out! I hope writing out your experience, thoughts and feelings helped you feel a little bit better. Organising your thoughts can be pretty helpful in understanding how you feel and what to do next.
I think its really easy for us to interrogate our actions after an interaction. For example, the other day I thought I came off as rude to a friend so I messaged her and she said she didn't recieve it like that.
You acknowledge that at the end of a session you recap what was discussed. It might have been that he was focusing extra hard on what you were saying, and being prepared to jump in, especially if your next session would be in 2 weeks.
I'm wondering what was his response to this change? Did he ever suggest that this might be sudden, that it could be uncomfortable at times, etc? Was it ever brought up whether you could call in and arrange a session outside the schedule?
It might be worth having a schedule that mixes both 1 and 2 week intervals. For example, instead of going every 2 weeks and having 2 sessions per month - you could have 3 sessions per month and slowly work towards the current arrangement. Especially since you had the same weekly routine for 18 months! I think anyone would feel thrown off.
You also acknowledge that something was holding you back from telling him how you felt. I think a lot of people can relate to this. It might have been an in-the-moment thing, especially since you were on a time crunch. But I think you've articulated yourself well here - how would you feel about showing him this post? You both get to sit on it a little bit more before having a proper conversation.
Let me know what you think? 🌻
Hi,
Yes, it does help writing out how things are going, and being able to have some connection around it is very helpful.
Thank you for sharing that. That is very helpful. I seem to question my actions a lot.
That is true; maybe he was. I won't really know until I ask him if he noticed.
When I told him I wanted to go fortnightly, he was excited. He said he loved that I was asserting myself and letting him know what I want even if it was/is hard. Last week, when we were ending and I felt emotional/overwhelmed, I thought I might be sad over the next two weeks like I have been. He is only working in the clinic on Thursdays now, as he has a new job elsewhere for the other two days. He said if he couldn't fit me in in person, we could do a phone class or telehealth session that afternoon. He said he would try his best to fit me in. It's been six weeks technically, as I had one fortnight before we went fortnightly due to my parents being over for the football, but it's been a month now. I am supposed to decide if I will go fortnightly next week, which I have already, as I've booked them in on the portal. He is going away from the 22nd of May until the 19th of June which is right when I have exams, but at least I know now from looking so I'm not blindisdied in a few weeks time. It sucks with the timing but there is nothing I can do about it. He doesn't go on leave that often, so I understand he needs a break.
That is true, but I've already told my mum that I'm doing it fortnightly as she has been paying the full cost while only getting ten Medicare sessions. I don't know if I need three sessions a month, like when I was going weekly, when we ran out of things to talk about, but thank you for the suggestion.
Yeah, I will share with him what I have said here. Do you mean to email him what you said here: "You both get to sit on it a little bit more before having a proper conversation"? Or just share it at the start of the session?
A couple of months ago, he made a new boundary that if I email him, he won't read them as we did have a lot of communication over email. Initially, it was great, but then it was hard for me to communicate how I felt in the session. Which honestly it did hurt a lot when he told me he wouldn't read them and now I have to go through admin if I need something which is a bit annoying as it's an extra layer to have to communicate to him. Like how I post on here. I have very clear written communication skills and can share how I feel, but when it comes to in-person communication, it can be much harder to share.
I have a two-hour maths lecture soon, and I need to finish off a lab report that is due tonight. Then, I will START studying for my mid-semester biology test on Monday, which I am very behind in. Everyone I have talked to has shared how they haven't had time to study with so much uni work to do. Plus, having 100-page lecture slides for four classes makes it hard to keep up.
I just had a chat with my outreach worker, which was nice. She mentioned how instead of saying I feel sad, I need to dig a little deeper and see what else I feel. These are some emotions we came up with: unsettled due to the change in routine, lonely, missing connection, vulnerable, fragile, and feeling abandoned sometimes.
I am safe and will call KHL if I need to.
How are you today, and what are you up to?
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it.
Hi @Red_Flamingo,
Thanks for sharing with the ReachOut community. It takes a lot of courage to share what's been on your mind. 💛
It sounds like you’ve made an awesome amount of progress recently, like coming off your medication with your GP's support and deciding to try fortnightly sessions with your psych. Those kinds of changes, even when they feel right, can still bring up so many emotions, and it's completely okay to be feeling so many different things.
What you shared about that session and how it ended really stuck with me. That feeling of disconnect after so much time feeling connected can be challenging to sit with. I relate as I’ve definitely had times with my psych where I've left the session wishing I would have said something that I didn't.
You also mentioned overthinking and intellectualising your feelings, and I just want to say how self-aware that is. It’s not easy to notice that in yourself, and the fact that you are already noticing those patterns shows how much work you’ve done. It look me a very long time to be able to do that and think it's important to acknowledge when others are able to do the same. 💛
As you mentioned it's been hard practicing self-care lately, I'm wondering if there's one kind thing you can do for yourself in the coming days? I know it can be challenging when we don't feel motivated to do much, but even something really small, such as going on a short walk outside, that can make a difference in how you feel about the day ahead.
Wishing you the very best moving forward! 😊
Hi,
Thank you. That means a lot.
Yes, it's definitely been a roller coaster with the emotions lately.
Yes, exactly. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way about the ending. It probably doesn't help that I only have one friend who I only talk to over messenger, as she doesn't like to talk on the phone for various reasons. I guess it just doesn't hit the spot with wanting human connection. I honestly have been craving it a lot these past few weeks with one not seeing my psych as much but then not having friends. That is partly my fault, but finding friends is very hard, especially at uni. Like I have my roommates; one is very nice, but I'm not at the sharing deep personal things, if you get what I mean.
Thank you I've just been doing some research on the things I've been feeling and came across intellectulaising I wish I knew how to stop it though.
I haven't had a shower in a few days so I am about to do that and then go to bakers delight to pick up a To Good To Go bag. Have you heard of that? It's all around Australia an app you download and you get food from places like bakers delight for a really discounneted price. It's to stop food going to waste.
The day is nearly over by the time I do that and get something to cook for dinner. I am working on a biochem lab report and I swear finding peer reviewed article is very hard sometimes when you need something very specific.
Thank you very much for your kind words. It means a lot to me. How are you going and what are you up to tonight? I might watch an episode of The Rookie or 9-1-1.
Hey @Red_Flamingo,
It's so nice to hear from you again! It sounds like getting off your mood stabilizers with the help of your GP went well and that things have been going well since you last posted, which is so wonderful to hear. I can see that you've changed your psychologist sessions from weekly to fortnightly which was such a huge and difficult step for you. It sounds like you're feeling many emotions around the change that is still tough for you. Changing the frequency of sessions can be confronting and overwhelming, particularly after previously having weekly sessions. I want to acknowledge that you've managed this really well so far and you should be so proud of yourself!
Being upset after the sessions ending would've been tough. While it would be challenging to wait 2 weeks to tell your psychologist how you felt, it would be really useful express how you felt and why at the end of the last session. Does this sound like something you can do during your next session with your psychologist? I can also see that you're feeling upset that he may not have noticed you getting upset, which is completely understandable. It sounds like since your session with your psychologist, you've been overthinking what had happened. I am curious to know if there are any strategies you used in the past or now, that have helped ease the overthinking?
I want to reiterate how beautiful it is to hear from you again and see that you're doing well. I am glad that you're safe and will connect with KHL if you need it. Given all that you're going through and feelings, have you been able to engage in any self care?
I hope this helps and look forward to hearing back from you soon!
Hi,
Thank you. Really nice to hear from you too.
Yes, overall, things have been pretty manageable over the past few months, which has been good. The change in how the sessions are structured has definitely been hard, though. I know it was my choice, as I told him it’s what I wanted to do, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it.
I’ll bring it up with him next week. I’m really annoyed at myself for not saying something in the moment, but I can’t take it back now. It’s just hard to move on and get past it, so to speak. That kind of thing tends to really stick with me.
Speaking of that, yes, I always seem to overthink things. It’s very annoying and frustrating. It’s like my brain just latches onto something and won’t let go. It keeps going and going, and I can’t switch it off. I haven’t really found anything that helps, which is why I was asking if anyone had any ideas on how to stop overthinking. I’ve been trying to focus on uni work, but even that doesn’t always work. Sometimes, I’ll be doing something to distract myself, such as watching TV, reading a book, etc, and then all of a sudden, I’m back to ruminating or overthinking again. It’s like it sneaks up on me even when I’m keeping busy.
No, not really. I haven’t done much self-care lately. I’ve felt really unmotivated over the past few days. The thing is, the last fortnight after I saw my psychologist, I felt pretty low during the weekend and into the week after. It feels like it’s happening again now. I noticed it last night and started thinking about the past four weeks, and I realised it’s been the same each time. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m just trying to take things as they come and not get too caught up in it.
I have a lab report due Friday and a mid-semester exam on Monday for biology, so I’ve been pretty busy with uni. I’m looking forward to the break next week, although I’ll still need to study for another exam the following week for maths. It’s never-ending, haha.
Yes, I will contact KHL if needed.
