Frustrated at work
Hi everyone. Idk if I should be talking about this or if it’s the right place but I’m not sure where else to ask. Um I guess I should put a trigger warning for...idk...maybe mental health stigma and medical abuse. And I mention self harm and stuff but I’ve been careful to avoid details.
So I’m 23 and recently graduated university and got my first job as a nurse. Everyone in my family is soooo happy - except me. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy looking after my patients and I think healthcare is really cool and interesting.
But the culture and the scope of the work is stifling. I got into nursing because I live with mental illness and was abused by medical staff, and I wanted to become a nurse to help make things better and prevent that happening to others. Instead, I’ve found that although I can be kind and compassionate towards my patients day to day, I’m stuck in a helpless powerless cycle where I can’t make any change whatsoever. Every day I have to listen to my co workers talking about our patients as manipulative, crazy, attention seeking, addicts...I’m too scared to stand up to them. It kills me inside.
Aside from that, my mental illness and experiences of institutionalisation are huge parts of my life! Hiding these, lying every time I have a sick day, pretending I’m ‘normal’ is exhausting and makes me really sad. I see my mental illness as a strength - it makes me kinder, braver, I can solve problems others can’t because I see things differently. It’s depressing that I can’t utilise it to make my work better.
My other issue is that I’m so so scared to come out at work. I’m a lesbian and I’m in a LDR with the absolute love of my life. I think I ‘look’ like a stereotypical lesbian too. But everybody assumes I’m straight and asks me why I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m too scared of being treated poorly to tell them I’m gay (I’ve heard some homophobic comments). Besides which both me and my gf use they/them pronouns and I see myself as non binary, but the idea of asking people at work to gender me correctly is laughable.
Lately I’ve been relapsing badly (self harming, ed stuff, etc) and although it’s taken me months to get a doctor to take me seriously I’m FINALLY seeing community mental health soon. A part of me wants to ask for a respite stay in hospital - it’s getting exhausting managing my mood swings, suicidal ideation, self harm and risk taking urges at home alone constantly. But I don’t have any sick leave at work, and my family would be soooo angry at me if I couldn’t stick this job.
I feel so desperate to live openly and authentically as myself and to make an actual difference to others, and I don’t see myself doing that in my current job. I don’t know what to do.
Comments
@daydreambee one thing that I've found about homophobes and even transphobes is that they tend to be cowards.
They will talk s*** but when you come out, they have a tendency to suddenly shut up, or at least change how they talk.
Often a bit if a glare if they keep going can help, and from then on just ignoring them.
Anyway, I find that people are less likely to react if I "jump out of the closet" rather than just come out. Mostly because they have less time to.
So for example, in response to the boyfriend question you could tell them that your girlfriend probably wouldn'tlike that.
So if you feel safe doing it, coming out may actually work well in solving that problem.
And if it doesn't go well, then you can either complain about the discrimination and bullying and stay, or ask to be moved.
With you're mental illness, that could count as a disability, especially if it's long term. Discrimination due to a disability is a pretty big no in most workplaces, and it gives you a strong platform to complain from.
It might be worth checking out your workplaces policies on disability.
@daydreambee being in aged care might make it a lot harder... especially with being gendered properly...
Anyway.. I might end up breaking this into a couple of posts sorry... don't mean to throw an essay at you...
One thing you can do without being confrontational is changing the language that is used. Rather than using language that blames the patient (And it doesn't sound like you do anyway) be really mindful to use language that centres the patient, their feelings and thier needs.
It will help the individuals you're talking about, and maybe it will change the language they use.
"Crazy" might be replaced with disoriented, confused, needing more explaination, needing comfort.
"Manipulative" replaced with scared, needing support, not getting needs met.
"Attention seeking" or "Just wanting attention" replaced with seeking support, needing company, lonely, needing warmth, not having enough visitors
And so on.
Hey @daydreambee,
I am so deeply sorry to hear about your experiences at work. It's incredibly unfair that you've had to deal with such inappropriate unprofessionalism at work - no patient deserves to be spoken about this way. I can totally understand that you'd be feeling unsafe in your workplace. This is definitely something you can bring up with a supervisor (if you feel comfortable). Sometimes it can be easier for a team leader or director to promote top down change. I am confident that they would agree that this sort of language is inappropriate.
In regards to taking work off, it might be a good idea to have some time away, especially if you're feeling uncomfortable or burnt out. Do you have any holiday leave saved up that you could take instead? There's also the possibility of reducing your hours to part-time, which might give you an extra opportunity to catch up and reset yourself each week 
@Tiny_leaf Hello!! It’s nice to meet you 
Thank you so much for your kind reply! I’m in aged care right now but am moving to a different ward in a couple of months. I’d love suggestions - any and all would be hugely appreciated!
@Andrea-RO Thank you, I appreciate that. I don’t know if I’d be able to speak to a supervisor; there’s a big culture of kinda...not snitching, I guess, and of disliking managers and educators. I don’t have any leave because I’m new but I could possibly talk to my supervisor about changing to part time, it’d make the rent a bit of a worry though I’m afraid.
@daydreambee I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a workplace where you're left feeling like that. Your lived experience of mental health issues and the insight and empathy that brings will be such a massive asset to your patients in your career as a health care professional, and I'm so sorry to hear that your first job out of uni is in a place where you're not feeling safe and supported by the culture there. I think it's definitely starting to change, but there's still unfortunately so much stigma around mental health issues in the community and even, like you're experiencing, with people who really should know better... I have experienced a range of workplace cultures in my career and some are definitely better than others. I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable being able to have your preferred pronouns used at work or being able to talk about your partner, that must be really tough 😞
One brilliant thing about nursing as a career is that there is so much variety in areas that you can end up practicing in, and I'm sure that you will find the place that is the right fit for you - have you ever considered mental health nursing? Or I know people who absolutely love paediatrics, or emergency nursing - both challenging in their own ways but super rewarding. And hopefully you'll be able to find a workplace where the culture is more open and accepting .
We're here to chat any time, even if you just need to vent.
Hi @daydreambee
I use they/ them too! Hello! (Sorry I get happy when I see people with the same pronouns. I don't meet many irl.)
Okay so just full admission, I'm writing this from the point of view of a patient who has had some pretty terrible experiences, but has also met some really nice nurses who have made a real difference.
Nurses and healthcare providers with lived experience are amazing and we need more of you. You're improving the system just by being in it.
If you don't mind me asking, what area of healthcare do you work in?
Before I flood you with suggestions, is that what you're looking for?
And if so what sort of suggestions would you like?
If not, I'm here to listen if you just need to vent.
