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How do you deal with feelings of being behind?

Hello! 😊

I think feeling like you're "behind" is very common in your early to mid 20s. People seem to be in solid relationships, getting married, working full time, and just doing all sorts of interesting things moving forward. Sometimes seeing all this can bring up  feelings of shame which can be quite intense and disheartening especially if you struggle with mental illness and are just trying to get through the day. Realising that the time I spent struggling with depression (early teens to now - twenties) was the critical time everyone else was seizing opportunities, learning social/life skills and getting out there can be hard. For a long time this was something that caused me a lot of regret, and although I'm better at dealing with it now there are still times I feel down about it as I feel there is a huge gap between where I am now and where everyone else is. To the point, sometimes I feel too ashamed of where I am to even talk to my friends. 

 

I was wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this? And how you deal with this? 

 

Some changes I've made that have helped so far are:

  • Developing greater self-compassion and acceptance by talking to myself more kindly, reminding me of my small wins everyday and zeroing in on my strengths 
  • Deactivating social media !! a much needed break and allowed me to focus on my own journey and take my own time. 
  • Keep telling myself "everyone starts somewhere" and that the people I compare myself to also deal with their own struggles and had to work hard to get where they are. 
  • Focusing on what I can do now rather than the past which I can't control 
  • Trying to develop a growth mindset. Although I'll fumble, everything is a skill that will get better with practice, patience and reflection. 
sunset_hues
sunset_huesPosted 21-09-2023 04:31 PM

Comments

 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 22-09-2023 02:07 PM

Hi @sunset_hues 

 

This is something that’s been on my mind recently. Most of my cohort are finishing their bachelor degrees this year and I’ve essentially completed one semester’s worth of classes due to mental health issues. I try to not compare my progress to other peoples, but it can be difficult. What I find helpful is to focus on the things that I love and that make me happy. Honestly, I’m not going to get a report card when I die that ranks my performance and subtracts marks for taking too long (at least I hope not 😂) so I don't think it's too much of an issue. I like to spend time with my friends, they never make me feel like I’m less than them because I’m behind. They really encourage and believe in me especially when I can't. 

 

In the end, I am the only one who will have to live my life so really there’s no one I can really compare myself to. Everyone has different struggles and different ideas of an acceptable life. I know there are a lot of things that I will probably never be able to do but I still can do so many of the things I enjoy. My life is not for everyone and that’s okay, it’s not meant to be, it’s for me. I’m satisfied with it, and I worked so hard to be able to live comfortably. Everyone has limitations, some people are just lucky enough that they can hide them.

 

Those are some really helpful changes to make! Very challenging to implement, especially at the start but so important.

 
 
sunset_hues
sunset_huesPosted 22-09-2023 09:43 PM

Hi@Lapis_Anteater


I can definitely relate to that. the thing that triggered these feelings is actually going for a new opportunity and seeing people much younger than me trying out and someone who was in the same year as me doing the training. So you're (and by extension I'm) not alone with that, it's tough 💛

 

hahahah I chuckled at the image of the report card, I can just imagine some greater entity sitting there with a chalkboard and abacus 😂 

I just wanted to say I really appreciate your perspectives here (and all the other posts you've commented on/posted). Im so glad you have such lovely friends who have your back, and your perspective is so liberating and insightful. I'm proud of you for getting to this point of greater acceptance and I'll keep trying to get myself there too. After all, despite all the external pressures we are the only ones who have to live our lives and we are the only ones who have to deal intimately with the consequences of how we choose to live it. Might as well live in a way that makes us happy. 

 
 
Shiv-RO
Shiv-ROPosted 22-09-2023 04:07 PM

Hi @Lapis_Anteater

 

I just want to commend you for your perseverance and your bravery in putting your mental health first. I know it must be frustrating to watch your former classmates finish uni knowing you still have study ahead of you, but when you do make it to the finish line having faced challenges along the way that will be all the more of an accomplishment.

 

There are many things you can learn from formal study but I am sure over the last few years life has granted you many lessons that no learning institution could ever teach you. Your life experiences are an equally valuable asset in shaping your future. I am sure you will channel your experiences in a meaningfully way, just like you have done by using them here to support other community members.

 

It sounds like you have some amazing friends supporting you and I am glad to hear you say you are satisfied with your life, contentment truly is the key to maintaining a happy life 😊

 
Rara
RaraPosted 21-09-2023 09:15 PM

Hey @sunset_hues 

 

This is something I can totally relate to and perfectly understand myself, as I used to do this a lot. I often think there is a massive stigma around being in your 20s and the expectation on what your 20s are meant to be. 

Something I focus on now is “what do I want.” This helps me when I do start to compare myself that they are doing what they want, I can only do what I want and I have to take the steps forward to do that. 

Also there are so many pathways now whether it’s careers, friends, relationships, money, goals etc. That only you can choose the path that works for you and I often remind myself of that and that goals can change in the matter of minutes a 10 year goal is good to have but can change when the world introduces you to something new. I’ve especially had that experience doing my degree that since leaving school I am more confused about what I want after uni because there are so many amazing options and I’m okay with that. 

Something I also did I recognise those close around me, those lives that are actually matter to me. Not those I haven’t spoken to in years this way when it comes to comparing myself, I only have a small overwhelming circle but at the same time feel happy and proud for those friends living their life. 

I definitely agree with deactivating social media, I give myself a social media detoxify at least once a week. 

 

Yes these are detailed explanations but I hope these help!! 

 
 
sunset_hues
sunset_huesPosted 22-09-2023 09:25 PM

Hi @Rara 

 

Thanks so much for talking about your experiences and more helpful perspectives. You're right, there's a lot of pressure with how people expect 20s to go. Thanks for reminding me to refocus on what's actually important to me and that there are multiple ways to go about achieving what I want 🫶🏽 

I also only keep a very small group of friends but I'm curious if you ever experience envy even with close friends? And if you do, how you deal with it? I feel so proud of my friends but sometimes I also feel ashamed of myself, and then feel guilty for that as though I'm not being a good friend for feeling that way? I'm not sure if that makes sense hahah 😅

 
 
 
Rara
RaraPosted 25-09-2023 04:27 PM

Hi @sunset_hues

To answer your question about envy with close friends, I have but not quite often. I'm fortunate that some of my close friends are a few years older than me and at very different stages in their life so I don't usually feel envy for them because of that.

 

The friends I have around my age, I only often envy them when they are out doing things that I would like to but again not often. For example, my close friend recently went away on a small weekend trip with someone, and I envied them because I wanted to go on a trip and go out and do things. However, I had to remind myself 1. they don't do this very often 2. I can go out and do things but it's up to me 3. maybe I'm burnt out and need a break 4. I wanted to be friends with the person she was with again (drifted after high school) and guess what that girl was the same and we're making an effort to catch up and see each other. I also remind myself while I have lots in common with them, I am also a different person, like none of my friends are hugely work-oriented, where I am and anywhere I go I find joy in work, different tastes in relationships and different goals in life. It's okay to feel envious of them it can put things into the perspective of I want to do what they are doing, now how I am going to get it. It doesn't make you a bad friend at all, I think a lot of self-reflection and openness to try new things can help. I hope this makes sense ahah 

 
 
 
Chloe-RO
Chloe-ROPosted 23-09-2023 10:58 AM

Hi there @sunset_hues ,

 

It's great to see you so proactive about your mental health and wellbeing. It was so encouraging to read about the changes you have made and so far found helpful. It takes a lot of reflection and strength to be able to make such changes, so I just wanted to acknowledge that.

 

After reading your post, I wanted to quickly chime in to say that feeling envy about your friends is not necessarily a bad thing. Although envy is typically associated as a 'negative' emotion, in itself, it can actually lead to behavioural changes and positive outcomes. In fact, it can be a real motivator for someone to better themselves and have that feeling of success. Can you think of any such instances? This is not a test, but more to reflect on times where envy has actually been helpful 🙂

 

At the same time, you may want to have a read of this article about dealing with envy/jealousy.

 

I'm really interested to hear your thoughts @sunset_hues .

 

 

 
Stormy-RO
Stormy-ROPosted 21-09-2023 04:49 PM

Hey @sunset_hues this is a really beautiful post. I see your struggles with your mental health from your early teens until now, and how it's been difficult to see people moving along in their journeys when you've been doing your best to look after yourself. I can imagine how hard it is to feel ashamed to talk to your friends when you feel like there's a huge gap between where you and everyone else is in life. But I wanted to say that you've shown through this post how incredibly resilient and compassionate you are! It's very true that everyone starts somewhere and there is no one path to success. You've given some amazing tips on how we can all make changes to look after ourselves when we feel this way too. I know that a lot of people feel the same way as you do, and I'm so grateful that you had the courage to come here to talk about it with us 😊

 
 
sunset_hues
sunset_huesPosted 21-09-2023 06:50 PM

Hi @Stormy-RO thank you for the kind words!! 💛 There is a lot of pressure to hit certain milestones or live a certain way, but like you said, there many different definitions of success. I think it can help to reflect on what gives each of us true deep joy - often it isn't the conventional things. It can be difficult take the first step in the face of what feels insurmountable at times, but it's never too late to work towards the things that we find meaningful. 

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