Not sure what I'm meant to be doing anymore
To give a brief update concerning the other two posts I have made on here since 2018, I dropped out of university, moved away from my family/ hometown and I still haven't gotten a drivers license.
Next year I'll be 26 so I guess this thread will be my last on here.
I haven't been able to keep a job, period.
Financially I have learned to just live with less, I haven't given up looking for a job I'm capable of doing (and keeping) but I can no longer afford to possess hope in this category.
In relative terms, I am am halfway between layer 0 and layer 1 of ''Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs''. ( I used to be a bit higher up years ago but have slipped a couple of rungs now).
Most of my physiological needs are met in the short term, I can afford basic food and there's water in the tap.
I have a number of painful health issues (elective, non life threatening surgeries) that I'm unable to get treated due to lack of funds.
Granted, I have heard a few times now that Maslow's model is pretty reductive, but I'm yet to see anything better.
I have entirely alienated myself from my family, which does give me some relief at times (their endless problems are no longer mine also) but the lack of a support network does tend to conjure existential dread (A feeling of having nowhere to go).
I am undecided as to what I am going to do next in life, I think this is due to a lack of options and having a long list of things I have tried and are unwilling to go back to.
At the moment I'm not really doing anything anymore, I just go through the daily motions of survival. (Eating, sleeping, walking around the block, etc)
I was interested in doing IT, but then I went and studied it at Uni for a few years which rendered it very distasteful to me.
Have met a few people over the years, but do not have close friends or social groups.
On an unrelated note, is there a web service for people over 25 to come and complain about their woeful lives?
Comments
To summarize, I guess my behavior over the years hasn't changed at all. I am stuck in "survival mode", so to speak.
Meaning, I attempt to realize my immediate needs but am either incapable or unwilling to plan or realize longer term goals.
Over the years my capacity to deal with stress and setbacks has decreased, likely due to repeated abject failure to meet any of my goals (or the ones that others have set for me). Thus, an overwhelmingly negative outlook has manifested itself. One that I am unwilling to change due to my principals of 'being realistic' & 'grounded'.
To think that I am (or have the capacity to be) a healthy, happy & productive person would be considered a grandiose delusion, bordering on insanity at this point. I try not to kid myself with false hope and instead try to look for things that are more attainable (Like a job, anywhere, that I can do.).
I have spent a great deal of time lamenting about what life means to me, and what my purpose is. My conclusion is that thinking about such things is a fruitless waste of mental resources.
Spent a few hours looking through old journals and racking my brains for a single example of a goal I set & consequently completed (with asinine things such as washing the dishes excluded).
There's nothing. There's not a single thing I have done that I have been happy with. There are numerous occurances where outwardly I appeared to have accomplished something, only for it to be undermined by a series of inconvenient truths.
There's no one thing in my living or written memory that I can reflect on and say "Gee that was good". There's always some kind of caveat.
Very bad luck? Possible.
Bad upbringing? Without a doubt.
Terrible outlook? Definitive!
A lot of the specialists I have talked to, the gist of what they have told me is that I need to convince myself that I am wrong, and do so on a regular basis. Again and again I have attempted to humor them and wilfully delude myself, but I can only keep up the farce for an ever diminishing window of time, before I 'regress' to what I know is true.
With that being said, I'm not exactly contented to sit around and suffer. Conventional methods of turning things around seem to have diminishing returns after a while. Maybe I'll think of some other way of proceding through life while having a better quality of life.
Hey @WinfieldRed 
I'm incredibly sorry that you are feeling this way, and I need to check-in and ask if there is any chance that you will harm yourself?
You have clearly been through a lot over the past few years, so give yourself some credit for going and speaking with those specialists - Can I ask if it was with a counsellor or psychologist, individual or group support, was it CBT type stuff?
Is going back to Uni part-time/online, and studying something else an option for you? Maybe something that allows for recognition of your prior learning. Volunteer work is also a good way to build up your skills, try new things, and meet new people. Do you think that might be of interest to you?
I'll include this article about low-fi life goals because I want you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling.
Also, here are some other resources that may be useful to you: OneEighty , Flourish Australia , and I'll include Blue Knot Foundation as well because you mentioned having a bad upbringing - Is this something you would like to discuss further on the forums?
No.
Counsellor, Psychologist, Group, most of which was CBT (Convince yourself you are wrong).
11 years, panoply of prescription drugs.
University is an option, will not be granted RPL. No pertinent interests and no desire to return.
Have volunteered previously, Not my crowd, no.
Read the article, "Angie argues that personal achievement is all relative". I agree with the sentiment but it seems to gloss over how to accomplish anything.
Thank you for the other links. I was raised by a dole bludging drug dealer, no mother, no siblings. Beyond that there's nothing to discuss, no.
Hey @WinfieldRed 
I wanted to check in to see how you're feeling today? It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment. That feeling of being stuck in survival mode is really tough, and exhausting. I have been in that place myself, and totally understand how difficult it feels to get out sometimes. For me, it took time, support from my GP and psychologist and being prescribed the right medication that worked for me. You mentioned you have tried medication - is that something you are still working through with your GP? Has it been discussed if you were diagnosed with any mental health concerns?
I'm sorry to hear about your upbringing, that must have been really tough to cope with. Is that something that affects you as you've gotten older too?
We're very happy to support you until you turn 26, but there are other support services that have forums that you can move over to when the time comes. BeyondBlue and SANE are a couple of great ones 🙂
Hi @WinfieldRed 
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear about your upbringing and the other struggles that you've faced. I can understand why you might still be feeling like you are survival mode and unable to assert your needs. It can be so hard to navigate life after having those experiences and not having many friends or family to lean on.
I can read that you have tried quite a few different things throughout your journey - therapy, uni and volunteering. It sounds like you are feeling stuck and wanting things to change but are not sure what to do next. I can't say I have the answer unfortunately, but I am here to chat if you want to vent 
