To kick things off, tell us a bit about yourself.

"My name is Jessica, I'm 27 and I identify as aroace. I have lived experience of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and personality disorder traits, and have also cared for family members with mental health issues. In my spare time, I play videogames, journal, watch movies and TV shows, volunteer and read books. I also identify as CALD." 

For those of us who aren’t familiar with the asexuality spectrum, what does it mean to you to identify as aroace?

"For me, being aroace means that I do not feel romantic or sexual attraction towards any person. But asexuality is an umbrella of experiences and I’ve heard of other people having a different definition. It’s wonderful to be part of a community where there is a lot of diversity. Everyone’s experiences are valid!"

When did you work out that you were asexual? Was it a difficult thing for you to come to terms with, or did it come as a relief?

"I worked out that I was asexual after reading about it online when I was in high school. I think I was around 16 or 17 when I started to realise that I was asexual and shared this with my friends. It was a bit of a strange journey for me as ever since I was five or six, I have only felt attraction to fictional characters. I loved anime, books and video games and a lot of my peers found it weird that I was obsessed with fictional characters. They also found it weird that I didn’t have crushes on anyone. I loved writing stories when I was younger and would daydream about them.

As I got older, video games that had some kind of romance or dating element gave me happiness and fulfillment. I have never felt attracted to a real person or any desire to be in a real relationship. I guess you could say that I’m fictoromantic/fictosexual as well as aroace but not everyone who is asexual has the same kind of experiences as I do. But because I was obsessed with fictional characters, I thought that this meant that I was straight or bisexual and identified as such before I realised that I was actually asexual. When I realised that I was actually asexual and heard about other people’s experiences, I thought ‘That’s me!’. It was a relief."

While a lot of people consider and explore their sexual orientation, less thought is often given to our romantic orientation. When did you come to realise that you also identify as aromantic, and what does that mean for you?

"I actually didn’t identify as also being aromantic until the last few years of my life. I started identifying as asexual first. I knew about asexuality but not all of the different terms under the umbrella and I didn’t realise that romantic and sexual orientation could be different when I was growing up. But after hearing about other asexual people’s experiences, I learnt that some enjoyed being in romantic relationships whereas I didn’t. I knew that about myself but I didn’t know what the label was called or the colours associated with being aroace. I read about the definition of aromanticism on a website and realised that I was also aromantic. I identify with that label because I don’t experience romantic attraction towards people."

As someone who is aroace, what relationships are important for you to feel happy and connected in your life? Is having a long-term partner something that interests you?

"Whenever I get asked this question, I usually end up telling people that there are many forms of love and you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship in order to feel a sense of belonging and fulfillment. For example, you could get your social needs fulfilled by having a pet, through a friendship or with a family member. For some people, their work gives them a sense of belonging and fulfillment. For some people, it is their hobbies and interests, connection to their community, some kind of art/craft, or fiction. Something does not have to be a physical entity in order for your feelings about it to be real. For example, a song or artwork can give you a sense of awe, goosebumps, and emotion. Even a voice in your head can provide you with some reassurance or make you feel fearful or anxious. I hope that makes sense! For me personally, I don’t need a partner to feel happy and connected. For example, I feel a sense of connection through my work and volunteering, or just by doing a fun activity or having a supportive conversation with someone.

Having said all this, I personally don’t tend to experience loneliness due to my personality. I probably wouldn’t mind ending up living by myself as an old lady because I am happier doing more solitary activities. I love watching romantic movies and playing video games with romance in them without actually wanting to have a romantic relationship. I can’t see myself being in any kind of romantic relationship. I’m perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with my husbandos and waifus, although since I usually only get really attached to one character at a time, does that count as a long-term relationship?"

Have you come out to your friends and family as aroace? If so, were they supportive, and/or did it take them some time/education to understand your sexuality?

"Most of my friends know that I am aroace and are accepting of it. It wasn’t a big deal for them when I told them. It took me a while to tell some people in my family as they either saw me as being straight or gay. I think it was also hard for family members to accept as they just assumed that I would eventually get married or that it was just a phase. To this day, I have not bothered telling it or explaining it to some people in my family because they would not understand it and also because I just did not feel any particular need to tell them. Although I’m pretty sure a lot of them know that I’m obsessed with fictional characters!"

In your experience, do people often misunderstand asexuality or being aromantic? How do you cope with any stigma or judgment you’ve experienced?

"Yes I get that a lot. A lot of people told me that I am just not ready for a relationship and that I am not asexual. Some people said I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to use humour to cope with this, such as by saying, ‘Someone told me that when I first came out and many years later, I am still waiting to magically become another orientation!’ Another thing I have heard is that I am just selfish or self-centered, or that I don’t have enough empathy to be in a relationship. I have also heard some people say that asexuality does not exist and that sex is a human need. There are a lot of myths about asexuality that I have heard and some of them are really nasty and harmful. There are some good YouTube and social media videos about this such as this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY1HwjBWWEY 

I love learning more about asexuality and sometimes explaining research to people helps them understand more about it. For example, some animals are not interested in mating just like there are animals that choose to mate with opposite sex and same sex animals. I often have to tell people that it’s not a choice or phase. I also like to remind myself that my sexuality is who I am and not to care about what other people think of it. But at the same time, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because I think it’s a hard concept to get your head around if you are not asexual yourself."

Do you feel connected to the LGBTQIA+ community? Why/why not?

"I have mixed feelings about it. A lot of the time when I was growing up, the acronym was LGBT without any other letters so I did not know if asexuality was a part of it and didn’t feel as though I belonged in that community. I also feel like a lot of the experiences are not comparable, for example many LGBTQIA+ charities and events were established due to a history of violence and oppression of gay and lesbian people. I mean, asexual people often experience violence and sexual harassment too, and I have myself, but most people think of particular events such as the Stonewall riots when thinking about the history of LGBTQIA+ charities and events. I didn’t feel like I was a part of that history. I feel like asexuality was recognised and added to organisations and events later on. I also feel like the focus at a lot of LGBTQIA+ parades and events is the representation of other sexualities as opposed to asexuality. I remember watching certain events waiting for asexuality to be mentioned or represented and it was like only a few seconds of screen time (granted, we are a small group) and I felt like there was a sense of ‘who are these people?’. So when I was younger, I often did not identify as being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community because I did not feel like it was an accurate representation of my sexuality. 

In recent years, I think there has been more awareness of asexuality and this has been helped by prominent figures and news articles. Many people are now aware that rather than sexuality existing on a spectrum of being either straight or gay like how a lot of people thought in the past, there are a number of experiences which do not fit on this spectrum. I feel a bit more confident about being a member of that community in recent years, but I tend to tell people that I am asexual rather than LGBTQIA+ and list my sexuality as ‘Other’ or ‘Asexual’ (which I have also only seen appear as an option in more recent years) on forms and surveys. I don’t really look at communities representing asexuality, talk to other asexual people or participate in events much, but sometimes I look at the websites of AVEN and Australian Asexuals (https://www.australianasexuals.com/). AVEN even has their own Wiki."

What would you say to a young person who is questioning whether they are aromantic or asexual, but aren’t sure?

"Here is what I would say:

💜 It’s normal to be confused and take a while to figure out your sexuality. You don’t have to figure everything out now, in fact many people have only realised that they are asexual later in life.

🖤 Asexuality can mean different things for different people. Take your time to familiarise yourself with the different experiences and terms under the asexuality umbrella. It was only after I read the definitions of the various terms that it clicked for me that I was asexual and aromantic and I was then able to describe my sexuality to other people.

💜 Take time to read about other asexual peoples’ experiences as there is a lot of diversity amongst us. Everyone has a unique experience. Some asexual people have made some great videos sharing their experiences and perspectives on YouTube on other websites.

🖤 You are valid no matter what your sexuality is or whether you have it figured out.

💜 Your sexuality is not the whole of who you are. It does not tell your entire story or say everything about you as a person. There are many other things that make you who you are, such as your values, interests, personality, etc.

🖤 Speaking from my own experience, you may have to come out multiple times and explain asexuality to people over and over if you identify as being asexual and want to invite others in. It can get a bit annoying after a while! I’m thinking of having some information prepared to help me do this in my own life in the future. But it’s also important to understand that you don’t have to explain your sexuality or answer questions if you don’t want to. No one is owed an explanation for you being who you are.

💜 Feel free to reach out and get some support for your mental health if you are struggling. I am not saying that all asexual people struggle with their mental health, but some events I experienced were more traumatic and distressing for me as I am asexual. Therapy that took a trauma-informed approach really helped me.

🖤 You are the only person who can truly know your sexuality and decide what you identify as. If you are asexual, no one can make you identify as something else."

What is your favourite thing about being aroace? Do you have any asexual/aromantic role models? 

"I have a lot of favourite things actually. Not being interested in relationships means I have more freedom and more time to focus on things I enjoy doing. I get to spend my money on gifts for myself, friends and family members rather than going on dates. I don’t feel any pressure from myself to do certain ‘expected’ things in life. I don’t live with relationship regrets or post-breakup blues. I love to wear badges and display the colours of the asexual flag, which has helped me to connect to other people who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community and made them feel more open to chatting with me. Some of my friends have even approached me for support with their own relationships because I have a different perspective. I am also comfortable with myself and have learnt a lot about myself through my journey. When you come out asexual, you get a sense of who is open-minded and who are good allies and in some cases that might translate to who you’d rather have around you. 

I don’t follow any particular asexual or aromantic people closely. There are lots of people who are doing good work in raising awareness and visibility of asexuality, such as Yasmin Benoit. There are often good representations of asexuality in popular culture. I think it goes way beyond what creators ‘officially’ state or confirm because in many works, there are characters who are not interested in sex or romance, even in romance games. Sometimes, the ‘romance’ will actually be a friendship! I think it’s wonderful that creators are recognising that there is a diversity of experiences in the real world and are reflecting this in their own work. Many famous people are also known for not having relationships, such as Emily Bronte (I have read Wuthering Heights) and Diane Warren whose songs I love. I don’t know if they are asexual or aromantic though!"