Through my OCD mind:

About halfway through my final chapter of year 11, I received an OCD diagnosis. And for me, it kind of came out of nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I understood the condition had an impact on my entire life, but until that, I had no idea how rehabilitative it was. No matter what I did or what compulsions I engaged in, I was always having these thoughts that were entirely out of my control. It seemed like my thoughts were only getting more and more severe and improbable to ever happen. However, the problem with OCD is that your mind will not trust you no matter how many times you convince yourself that it is "literally impossible" for the thoughts to come true. And that's where the compulsions come in; these behaviours you engage in that may seem so absurd to others, but for me, they were the only means by which I could quiet my mind.

Around the time of my school's preliminary exams, this all became apparent to me, and because it didn't seem like it would just fade with time, I was particularly interested in understanding what I was going through. While conducting research online, I came across an article regarding OCD. I still recall the feeling I got while reading that essay—being able to put my sentiments on paper and realising that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. As I read the piece, I was reminded of the time one of my friends informed me they had been diagnosed with OCD, but I hadn't given it much thought at the time because I didn't know much about the condition. That evening, I called them, and I distinctly recall sobbing uncontrollably while trying to convey my experiences to them over the phone. I thanked my friend for putting up with me that night, and they assured me that everything would be alright and that talking to my parents would be the best course of action.

I finally told my parents after gathering the bravery and fortitude to do so, as well as writing up numerous handwritten notes on how to convey myself. And I continue to be incredibly thankful that I was able to do so because I was able to acquire the assistance I required.

OCD breakdowns are ok.

One of the most challenging aspects of having OCD in the beginning was when I felt at last at ease with myself and my diagnosis. I felt like my life was finally settling down because I started taking medicine and attending therapy sessions for the first time. I don't really remember what happened that week, although it may have been related to my poor sleep quality or issues at school. Whatever transpired, I experienced a new sense of breakdown. Thinking about how far I've come, how it was all for nothing, and how I'll never get better made me panic. I despised my mind for making me sink into a pit as a result of this.

I recall throwing away my medications because I believed they were ineffective. I cut off communication with everyone. I talked to my therapist about how I was feeling at the end of that week. They acknowledged my emotions and assured me that it was alright to feel this way. Everybody has terrible days; it's what makes us human, and OCD sufferers aren't much different. Just more negative thoughts tend to enter our heads.

This was a big eye-opener for me since it helped me realise that everyone experiences unpleasant days and that I must accept this as a fact of life. After this realisation I’ve been able to put in place and adjust proper self-care routines in times of need. It’s also a good reminder to remember that I’m not alone.

Getting over the stigma

I had a particularly difficult time accepting my diagnoses because I grew up in a society where OCD was severely stigmatised. I found it quite difficult to grasp just how extreme the disorder—which affects over 500,000 individuals in Australia alone—can be. I had always thought it was just a matter of organisation, but I never could have imagined how big of an impact it would have on my own life. As I often found myself thinking, “Perhaps if I had been educated on it earlier, I might not have felt so alone,” I now do everything I can to inform everyone who inquiries about the disorder.

Mental health as a whole has gone through a world of stigma and OCD just unfortunately has been one of the most least understood. That shouldn’t stop us from spreading the word however, and for those who have or may think they have OCD I just want you to know that you are never alone. We walk this world together and I just want to commend you all on your strength. You’re doing amazing!

Expressing to love to ones / being honest.

Communicating with friends and family can be extremely difficult for someone who has OCD. When I initially tried to describe how I was feeling to my mum, I recall that it took me about an hour of her sitting on the end of my bed as I struggled to find the appropriate words. I sat with the idea that if I informed her, she would abandon me. It took a long time before I finally worked up the strength to speak out. Once I did finally tell her, she too had very limited knowledge on the disorder and I don’t blame her, over time she did however do her own research and now she’s just as educated as me. One benefit I guess of my parents having limited knowledge is that it felt like we were all on this big learning journey growing together, and I’m so grateful I had them as support.

Relationships have always been important to me and have contributed to my OCD thinking. But it never stopped me from wanting to meet new people. I always make sure to take a moment to breathe and clear my head whenever my thoughts start to race about the people in my life. As a result, I've come to value honesty and open communication so much. Realising that my friends are there to support me and that they can't do that if they don't know what's going on, I realised how much better it has been for all of my relationships to be honest about my feelings and what might be going on in my thoughts.

Dating with OCD:

Additionally, dating with having OCD has suffered greatly from stigma. I have seen Instagram posts and TikTok videos on the difficulties of dating with having OCD so many times that I can't even count. Dating can be difficult for both people involved, but it can also be a blessing. I've read numerous accounts of how relationships with OCD never last. Speaking from personal experience, I can assure you that this is wholly untrue. Since I was diagnosed, my current partner has been there. We've been together for a while, and I can generally say that being with them is the only time my mind has been at peace. We have experienced ups and downs were my OCD got in the way, but each time has been an opportunity for us to learn and grow. They have supported me in so many ways, so it is wonderful that we can embark on this OCD adventure together.