TW: sexually graphic language, hocd.
Sorry for the long article and my poor English. I am just trying to record my full experience.
I’m an 21 year old male. I have been straight(or I think I am) for all of my life. I have been so attracted to girls and I love watching porn and I keep surfing for new porn content almost everyday.
Around two months ago, I was talking to someone at working about having dinner with my mate on the weekend. That person asked “are you going for a date?” I said “Nah. It’s just my mate.” That person jokes with me, “Yea, what if that turns out to be a date?” After hearing that, I started to feel extremely anxious for some reason.
After few days, I watched porn for two days and masturbation for two days. Then suddenly I got these thought which questioning if I was gay. My interest on women suddenly disappeared which convinced me I have turned gay. There were gay thought appearing on my head all days.
I started to searched online to check if it is possible for a straight men to turn gay. I read some story online about people realised they were gay and it scared the shit out of me. I stopped watching porn because I am scared of seeing penis. When I am walking on the street. I keep looking at male and female see if I have
But finally, I found a website which said about HOCD, which I believe I could have (I never knew what OCD before). I get a slight relief from knowing that. But my gay thoughts are still comes and I keep searching if I am HOCD or gay.
After a few days. I feel like my gay thoughts has almost gone. So I decided to treat myself for some porn (big mistake). After masturbating for two straight days with sex toys. My gay thoughts are back.
And I still don’t have interest in women.
The thought and stress are milder comparing with the first time. But occasionally my thoughts are so real that I am so annoyed and scared that I couldn’t concentrate on study and work. And I got these unpleasant erection when I am lying on the bed at night.
Recently the stress has gone even worse cause my head started to non-stop rewind my past experience to see if I ever have gay thoughts before. I realised there were three “gay” experience. The first two times were when I watched a tv show around 1-2 years ago. I saw a good looking male and I get this weird feeling(not aroused) which is almost the same as the feeling I got when I heard my co-worker’s joke which triggered me. Another experience is when I watch a straight porn and I get a erection when I see the guy’s penis.
I am so scared that I am questioning my sexuality. And I keep telling me is it the reason why I haven’t had a girlfriend before. I am so tired and anxious which almost make me wanna die. I just want my old life back. I know deep down I’m still straight.
Past ocd/anxiety experience:
I have been socially anxious for years.
My grandmother was diagnosed of cancer on June this year and I’ve been depressed during that time. I started to get pain in my body which I always thought it was cancer and I keep checking online about cancer symptoms and I went to see the doctors many times. After a months the pain and thought is gone.
