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For the past few years I've been really questioning my gender identity. I am AFAB and for the past six months I have identified as gender fluid, but in the past months I'm beginning to realise I never really feel feminine and much prefer masculine terms, pronouns and presentation. I'm not sure if I ever did feel feminine or if I was just too young and uneducated to understand what the difference between femininity and masculinity is. I also worry that since I have previously identified as gender fluid, that this is just an extended period of time where I feel masculine and I'm not ftm.

When I was younger I loved the idea of being one of the 'boys' and I still do. I found myself correcting my behaviours, (posture, how I spoke, how I held things) to what I thought a boy would do. I often told people that I looked like a boy because I was very slim as a younger teenager and I felt proud of that fact, however I felt like I was missing out when I took me later than others to develop boobs, curves, menstrual cycle etc. Looking back on it know, I think I idolised those things because I am attracted to women rather than wanting to look that way, but I am still unsure.

I have considered the fact that I might be non-binary and went by they/them pronouns for a bit, but it never felt as nice as imagining myself as a boy.

I really like the idea of being a teenage boy now, but I don't like to picture myself as an adult man, however that would look. But I don't like to imagine myself as an adult woman either. This is my biggest hinderance at the moment and I was wondering if any trans people have experienced a similar thing?

I worry that I am overthinking things and that because I am in my later teens (17) this is just a 'faze'. I worry that if I commit and affirm my gender I might de-transition later down the track. I know there is nothing wrong with this but I worry that I'll be ridiculed by family/friends if this does happen.

I also worry that I'll never be perceived as a 'real boy' and all my efforts would go to waste and it would be easier to live as a girl.

I have a rough relationship with my physical appearance,

and invest in a binder and see how I feel from there, but that will take months and I feel very uncomfortable in my own body, when people refer to me with feminine pronouns and my given name and being perceived as a girl.

I genuinely don't know what to do. Any advice?