Just want to put a TW because I think these kinds of questions can come across like suicidal thoughts, I do get very down about them and sometimes feel hopeless but not I am not in danger of suicide personally.
I noticed that a lot of the worries that upset me are big questions about life, death, the value of life, and so on. I have probably asked myself every existential question in the past, but there are some in particular that really concern me and I can't get over them. I will try putting them in a spoiler in case people don't want to read them.
One is - if life is so difficult, what makes it worth it? Or I suppose I really mean, I find life extremely difficult and although I can note positives, they are just not enough to outweigh the difficulty, so why should I continue living? Please don't worry, I don't mean that in a suicidal way, but an extremely fed-up, tired, angry and scared way. I mean recently I have been on here discussing how difficult it is for me to face getting a job and working. Why do I have to expend so much energy all the time forcing myself to do things, like working, that I don't want to do, because life demands them? What reward am I getting? This is an especially difficult worry right now in the midst of this pandemic; there has been a lot of pain these past couple of years and many of the positive rewards have been stripped away from our lives, when I wake up in the morning I just wonder why I can't just go back to sleep because there is no purpose.
My second important question is about 'happiness,' but I've been told time and time again that word doesn't mean anything, or just refers to a feeling that comes and goes. (To be honest I hate being told that because the person is just taking issue with my choice of words, rather than answering my question.) The question is 'what is happiness? Does it exist? is it achievable for everyone? is it achievable for me?' By happiness I mean a bunch of things that can be summed up as 'a state of emotional wellbeing.' I always begin to wonder if this state really exists, or if 99% of people either don't enjoy life, don't realise they don't enjoy life, force themselves to live life even though it sucks, or pretend life is better than it is... There is no way to really find out because I can't jump into someone else's head. But I often read joyful poetry and listen to beautiful music and think, well, if everyone felt the same way as me, surely no one would bother to make such lovely creations... but I don't know. I am even on anti-depressants, and I do feel less depressed than before, but I don't feel that stable, vibrant sense of 'wellbeing,' so maybe what I am experiencing right now is actually the natural state for humans, or at least the natural state for me (maybe I am just an inferior sort of person who can't feel any better than this?) If that's the case I am EXTREMELY disappointed.
What I want to ask is - is it possible to get satisfactory answers to questions like these, or are existential questions just things we cannot solve at all? If they can't be answered, how do I cope with them? Do I have to try to ignore them and move on? I see a psychologist and everything but she's not very helpful with these things. She is a more practical, solution-focused person. Maybe I should try to be like that, but I just don't think that's who I am.
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