and i tend to be a perfectionist, really harsh and critical on myself, so i really mentally beat myself up for not being able to deal with this better. and i feel guilty that i self sabotage but at the same time feel like i deserve it. which makes it harder to ask for help.
i guess where it's good to talk to someone, like ringing the helpline of coming onto the forum because they validate that i'm going through a hard time and i'm doing better than i think.
but then realising i'm going through a hard time is depressing and makes me feel angry and hopeless.
so then i try to deny the fact that i'm going through a hard time, but then i criticise myself for not doing better.
it's complicated and i guess i need to accept the fact that this is hard, i need help, i should be more sympathetic and kind to myself.
but there's so much going on inside of me and it's all messy, interconnected, and it's hard to know what to do when there is so much overwhelming you at once.
