Who rated this post

Just wanted to share how my psychologist appointment went yesterday because I'm really proud of myself. 

I've been seeing her for almost a year, and this was definitely the best session yet. I talked to her about things I haven't talked about before, like being scared of getting better. How sometimes I feel like this is my fault. And how I normally feel so much else after her sessions.

I felt really upset during most of the session. During these sessions I have to open up and face stuff I normally try to ignore because it's to painful. But this was the first time I didn't crash and spiral afterwards. Normally her appointments trigger a meltdown and suicidal spiral. But this one didn't.

I think it's because I told her I sometimes feel like this is my fault, especially with the self sabotage. 

Straight away she very firmly reassured me that this is not my fault. There are three types of depression. One is caused by life events, like losing your job, house, husband etc. Another one is caused by childhood, like not having needs met, being neglected, abuse. I fall into the third category, the most rare one. My psychiatrist had already said this is probably genetic, but my psychologist explained it really well yesterday. Basically there's a problem with the chemicals in my brain. That's just how I was born. Like how a diabetic has problems with their pancreas and doesn't have enough insulin, this is really similar, except with my brain. There I absolutely nothing I could have done to get better sooner, except maybe be less high functioning (that's kinda a joke). She said there's nothing me or anyone else could have done. It wouldn't matter how long I'd been seeing her for. It wouldn't have made a difference even seeing the 10 best psychologists for five years. It's not my fault, or anyone elses, because I need the medication to help the chemicals in my brain.

That was just so reassuring. Because I often feel guilty, especially about self sabotage, and not opening up sooner. I'm starting to realise I need to view this as an illness. Like diabetes or cancer, it's not my fault, or anyone else's. It has been an frustratingly painful process just to get to this point, which has felt so unfair. It's almost killed me. But that can happen with physical illnesses as well. When I remind myself I'm sick it helps me to be kinder and more understanding to myself. If it's an illness, it's treatable.

It makes me proud of myself for surviving this. Both my naturopath and psychologist have recently sincerely acknowledged how hard this has been for me, that they admire me, and they don't now how I've done it. Honestly, idk how I've done it either. I just know that if it wasn't for some amazing people in my life, there's a good chance I wouldn't be alive.

Idk, this comparison and realising this is an illness just makes sense for me and is really reassuring.

It also helps me better understand why I was misdiagnosed. My GP would always tell me to keep up a healthy lifestyle, eating healthy, exercising, doing things I enjoy. I got so angry every time he talked about that. I was already doing all those things, and they didn't make a difference. It made misunderstood and alone, like it was my fault for feeling this way, like I wasn't doing enough to help myself.

But now I better understand the cause of my mental illness, and that it's the most rare cause, it's reassuring and better explains all that. For most people the things the GP was suggesting would help. But for me, I need the medication because there is a problem with the chemicals in my brain.

Almost a year later of seeing my psychologist, I'm not really feeling better yet. But I'm really proud of myself because a year ago, I could have never had that open conversation. A year ago, I wasn't even diagnosed with depression. I wasn't talking about how I felt. I wasn't seeing a psychologist or on medication.

So even though it's been a very painful year during which I continued to crash, started to harm, spent most days very suicidal , and I'm not really feeling better yet... I have actually made progress. Which feels good to realise. I now openly talk about my mental health, am getting treatment, and have made decisions to focus on myself. I have so much more support than a year ago.

So that's all pretty cool to realise. My appointment yesterday was finally encouraging instead of depressing. It made me feel proud of myself. And it gives me a little hope. Which I so so so so sooooooo need.

Lol I'm good at long at long posts but there's a lot going on