Hey @Lee101 ,
Sorry about the link - haven't seen that happen before! If you're interested, just search in the 'gender' space for the thread 'How do I know if I'm trans??', and let me know how that goes! Otherwise I can repost what I said here.
Thank you for clarifying about your feelings of masculinity & femininity, that makes much more sense. And I completely understand what you mean by feeling that you have some 'feminine' behaviours, but feel more masculine and more comfortable presenting in a masculine way. I want to stress that its okay to experience both, and still feel overall 'masculine' - having some feminine characteristics does not make you less trans. In fact, when speaking to other trans people (and drawing on my own experience), it seems to be a common trans experience that there is a lot of pressure to behave in a gender-stereotypical way early in transition, but as you become more comfortable with yourself, it becomes easier to explore less stereotypical ways of presenting. As a trans-man, when I first came out I found it difficult to accept feminine aspects of my identity, but as a progress in my transition I am gradually learning to re-explore my feminine characteristics. Is this something you have experienced? I thought that might be helpful to hear, but if you don't relate to that experience that's completely okay!
I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing gender dysphoria, which can be very painful, and I hope that this can ease as you become more comfortable with yourself. You mention that you wish you could present more masculine with clothing and haircuts and things like that - what things at the moment are stopping you from being able to present in this way? Is there the possibility of gradually introducing more 'masculine' things into your presentation in a less noticable way, if you are concerned about acceptance? For example, the first thing I ever did in my transition was purchase masculine deodorant, which seems like a very small thing, but at the time it made me feel so much better about myself, but it was not something I had to worry about people accepting or judging. Would it be possible to do something like this to help you feel more masculine at the moment?
I'm glad to hear that you have a close friend who you have been somewhat open with about your experiences. It sounds like she is very accepting, and would likely support you in your journey! Do you think you would consider sharing your gender journey with her?
With regards to your experience in a Catholic school, that sounds particularly difficult and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Being around other queer people can make a big difference in feelings of acceptance (at least in my own experience), so if you feel safe enough/comfortable enough to do so, would you consider possibly joining a queer group (either in person or online) of some kind? Transhub has some good resources on this (as well as a variety of other resources such as mental health and medical trans-related resources). The Gender Center also has support groups for FTM and non-binary individuals (if you live locally), and I believe they offer free counselling services as well. Qlife and Kids Helpline are also both good online peer support and counselling services. Another great thing about going to queer clubs and groups is that its a great way to meet people and make new friends! Do you have some people outside of school that you feel comfortable talking to, or some queer groups that you know of that you might be able to attend?
Another thing I wanted to clarify - you mention that you have never been to a mental health specialist, is this something you would like to look into?
Lastly, thank you for sharing how you would feel most comfortable coming out! I think a letter would be the write way to go, based on what you have described. What to say is completely up to you, but some things that I think you could include are:
- Providing a bit of a definition and explanation of what it means to be trans/non-binary (as individuals who are not involved in the community sometimes don't quite understand what this means, and I think a lack of understanding is sometimes what leads to a lack of acceptance)
- Being open and honest about how you feel, and how you feel that your experiences have affected you.
- What support you think that you need at the moment - for example, do you want your parents to use your name/pronouns? Would you like to get a short haircut? Would you like to speak to a mental health clinician?
- Acknowledging that you understand that they may need some time to process what you have told them
- Maybe something about the fact that this does not change who you are
These are all just some suggestions, and may or may not work for you, but I thought I might list them here (as I understand that coming out and writing a letter can be pretty daunting)! Do you think any of those would suit you, or do you have some other ideas of what you might want to tell them?
I'm glad to hear that you write a lot as well - because it looks like I have written another essay, sorry 😅 I hope that some of it was helpful in some way. Once again, I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well - please don't hesitate to reach out again and we can continue working through things together. 😄
