Hi @Lee101 ,
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I apologise for the late response (and another long response)! I am glad that you found our discussion about experiences with femininity helpful. I think working out the balance of femininity and masculinity will definately come with time, so there's no pressure to figure it out right away. It might be helpful to think about what aspects of femininity and masculinity you resonate with and what makes you feel more at home within yourself, and then you can try and incorporate those aspects into your identity when you feel comfortable?
I can understand and resonate with your experience of not feeling confident or that you can stand against the expectations of those around you (for example, you mention that you feel that you cannot confidently stand up to your parents), and feeling anxious about prejudice. That sounds really difficult, and I am sorry to hear that this is a barrier to you being able to present yourself authentically. As previously mentioned, are there some small things that you might feel comfortable doing that may increase your level of comfort without drawing too much attention to yourself from your parents? Something I often did early in my transition was purchase men's clothes from Vinnies or another thrift shop, so that I could experiment with masculine presentation when I was home alone. This way I could still experiment with presentation without having to worry about the reactions of others, and without spending a lot of money. Is this something you may find helpful? You also mentioned that your mother wants you to have a feminine haircut. I was wondering, when you discuss haircuts with your parents/hairdressers, are you able to reference photos of what you like? Something I found helpful when I was not confident enough to ask for a 'men's' haircut was using reference photos of women with stereotypically masculine haircuts like undercuts and fades. It is not uncommon nowdays for people of all genders to wear their hair short or have a fade. Do you think that discussing this with your parents may be helpful or something you could do? I also wanted to clarify, do you think that your parents would be accepting of your gender identity if you were to share that part of you with them? I understand that coming out to your parents can be incredibly scary and daunting, but you mention that you know your mother supports and loves you - do you think if you explained to her that having a short haircut makes you feel more confident about yourself, she would be understanding and accepting?
The other thing I wanted to mention is that it may also be possible to feel affirmed in ways that don't just involve physical presentation, if this is something that you don't yet feel comfortable or safe doing. For example, something I have gradually found to be affirming is experimenting with sports/exercise, particularly lifting weights (even though I am incredibly unathletic!) Even though obviously individuals of any gender can (and should) enjoy these activities, for me these activities just make me feel more masculine and better about myself. To clarify, the activities you choose to do don't need to be stereotypically 'masculine' or 'feminine' activities - you may find that particular activities or hobbies help you to feel affirmed for whatever reason. The other thing is that sometimes I find it helpful to engage in activities that do not relate to my gender identity, but just make me feel more like myself, regardless of gender - for example, painting makes me feel at home and for the most part does not have anything to do with gender identity. I am not sure if I am explaining this well, but when I paint, I am not thinking about being a man, or a woman, I just feel like me, and I find it helpful to engage in these activities or other self-care when I am feeling particularly dysphoric because it gives me a break from thinking about it. In the same way, are there any hobbies or activities you find that either feel affirming, or that make you feel like yourself? Is there any self-care that you feel might be helpful in circumstances like you have described?
It's great to hear that you spoke with your friend last night, and it seems that she was supportive! Even having one person who you feel safe speaking to and who supports you in your journey is very important. I can imagine that sharing your experiences with her took a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself for doing this. The first steps with regards to coming out & expressing yourself how you feel inside always seem to be the most daunting, but it sounds like things went well & weren't as bad as you may have initially thought. Perhaps the same thing might happen if or when you decide to discuss your experiences with your parents?
It's also great that you feel you have found support in these forums! You should absolutely be proud that you took that first step to share your experience here, and there's always the option to speak to a clinician in the future if you choose to do so.
And that's totally okay with regards to the letter suggestions - I'm glad that you found them helpful and hope that it all goes okay! Feel free to post again on the forums if you want to further discuss the letter, or if you want to discuss it after you have written it.
Lastly, I wanted to say how amazing it is that you get to go to formal in a suit, and that you feel fantastic wearing it! That's honestly a great achievement, and again would have taken a lot of courage. It sounds like you are a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. I also think it's a good sign that your parents were willing to accept that you will be wearing a suit to your formal, and so maybe they will be more accepting of other things too.
Again, please feel free to continue responding on the forums! I am so glad that you have had some really positive experiences with regards to your gender identity this past week. I hope you also have a great rest of your week 😀
