I just wanted to add that I'm incredibly proud of you for keeping yourself safe! Things are tough for you right now but that is a major win to me. If you feel yourself struggling with these urges I would like to recommend an app called Calm Harm
Were you able to get in touch with KHL? I know the job search can be really disheartening (I've been there too!) but just remember that there will always be jobs available and you will come across the right opportunity at the right time. You are trying your best and that's what matters. The article @Courtney-RO provided is a really useful tool that helped me as well.
This is a journey and with some twists and turns you will reach your destination 💜