Hi everyone
It's felt pretty full on lately. I've been getting a bit overwhelmed by work again (I'm surviving). Then I probably had almost a week where I spent most of my free time in bed because I had no energy. And my head has just been feeling 'fuller' and my concentration on some things has been worse than normal which is annoying.
And now I'm randomly having a few 'better' days (nothing amazing, but better than how I have been). Which is nice, but also hard and confusing in it's own way. Like depression physically hurts, so it's nice for that to be a bit lighter. These few better days are feeling like a little victory. But it still feels weird and like I don't deserve it. It's actually annoying to have better days in the lead up to appointments because it feels like it's literally defying the purpose of these appointments. It's like, "hey I'm here because I feel crap. But I've been having a better few days." It's almost like the 'better' days/moments mean the pain never happened (even though the memories are raw) and if I'm doing better I won't be believed.
So yeah. Tiring and confusing. And it doesn't take much for me to crash again. A lot of the time I don't even know why/what triggers the mood/depression changes.
Yeah @Iona_RO I probably should try other 'outlets.' I have been trying to exercise a bit more, and in these last few days I've felt like playing guitar twice. Maybe one day I will get around to writing positive things about myself 🙃
Next week is going to be big with seeing GP, psychologist and psychiatrist. So I think I will be getting a few emotional-support chocolate frappes. But as delicious as they are, I realise I need to use some other coping strategies too. Just have to convince myself to try. At least after both my GP and psychologist appointments I will have some alone time to have a bit of a people break while my head is extra loud and overwhelmed. And after my psychiatrist I can always sit in my car and cry before I go home like normal 🥲
When it comes to explaining self harm a bit more to my drs...
With my GP- I need a new referral for my psychologist anyway so mental health will easily come up in topic. He might even have some psychiatrist advice.
Psychologist- I can talk about self harm in my pre-appointment email.
Something interesting she said last session is that it can be hard for her to tell in-session when I'm feeling more disregulated than normal. As in, I'm only ever anxious/overwhelmed/disregulated in therapy (legs shaking, body language etc). So she's never seen a calmer version of me. Which makes it harder for her to figure out when I'm feeling more disregulated than 'normal,' because to her my normal in therapy is constantly anxious and tense.
Which has made me realise I have to be more vocal when it comes to how I'm feeling in session. Which I think I should explain in the email because when I feel overwhelmed (constantly in session) I just verbally freeze, which is useless and makes it harder for her to help me calm down.
If that word vomit makes any sense lol.
Psychiatrist- we will see how I address that topic of self harm. That's not until Thursday. But I did send him an email to do with something else the other week, and in it said I had booked an earlier appointment to talk about issues I'm having. So that's kind of started the conversation already.
