@Chloe-RO I’m glad that my medication has been increased because it means something has changed. Something needs to change. But at the same time I’m very skeptical.
Also, I’ve spent a bit of time feeling lightheaded since the increase. It’s probably just my body adjusting to being on double the dose now. But if I doesn’t pass in the next few days I might go say hi to the local chemist just to see what they think. I like having plans like that. It makes me feel like I have a tiny bit of control.
With the idea of inpatient…
I’ve thought about it A LOT over the last few years. I really think that if people know how bad I was at certain points, I would have gone to hospital a few years ago. But I’ve never brought it up. So I’m glad my psychologist did.
It’s like… I’m very good at waiting until I hit ‘rock bottom’ before I ask for help because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Well, rock bottom is getting pretty close, so why wait it until I get there to ask for help?
My current treatment, what I’ve been trying the last 2.5 years of psychology appointments and medication trial and error… obviously isn’t enough. I’m getting really tired. I feel like I’ve run out of the mental and emotional energy to help myself. I’ve crashed and I don’t know if I have the energy to get myself out. Which is where inpatient might be helpful. I haven’t tried inpatient before. Maybe that’s the next step, the next thing to try. I wouldn’t have to wait for a fortnight between psychology appointments, and even longer for psychiatry appointments. Because that sucks. I would be around people who ‘get it.’ I would have that extra help to really engage in therapy.
But I think the main thing that’s making me think inpatient would be a good idea… when I think about being forced to stop everything else, having 24/7 care, having other people help me stay alive… I feel relieved. I’m starting to cry right now at the thought of getting that much help. Everything is dark again. I wake up dreading the day and genuinely not knowing how I’ll get through it. So maybe maybe inpatient is the tiny bit of hope I need.
My psychologist can’t tell me what to do, and she said that. But I could tell she really thinks inpatient would be a good idea. She was even describing how they apparently have good food and how insurance works.
I next see my psychologist in a fortnight. I think inpatient is going to be a big topic of conversation. I can tell her all this. Also, I’ve started telling her a little more about the self harm. I think it’s time to tell her a bit more about the suicidal thoughts (I’m safe). I think that would lead to her encouraging me even more lol. I feel like I’ve already made the decision that I want to try inpatient, but I’m going to need some encouragement to make it worth.
Organising it also feels overwhelming. Hopefully my psychologist will have some guidance. I can take in my referral for another psychiatrist who does inpatient admissions to show her. Maybe it would be possible for her to type up a letter.
I want my parents in on an appointment that’s talking about hospitalisation. They’ll want to be in on it too. I need them on board to make it happen. Once they agree, I know they will be supportive.
The only thing is I still don’t want them to know about my self harm. While they’ll be relieved I’m getting help, they’ll also be upset it’s been going on for so long and I haven’t told them. My referral mentions self harm.
That’s probably going to be the trickiest thing. Something else to talk about with my psychologist.
That was long. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
Yeah Big Bang Theory is one of my distraction shows. It’s kind of sad I feel like I need constant distractions, but it’s genuinely become a habit. I’ve just finished watching friends again, so back to Big Bang Theory. I’ve watched them quite a few times now. I kind of want to start something new, but there’s also like an emotional safety in rewatching the same thing.
