I moved away for uni, my two friends either stayed home or went to another uni. I started realising how shit they are as friends and as people. They would always shit talk our other friends, even for the smallest thing, get pissed off at small stuff or hate my partner for no reason. I was very blind sighted to the flags, and started realising it more and more when they started shit talking my close friend. I stopped talking to them when I moved, we had a small conflict at my farewell party, but they never bothered to message me after it. A small part of me did want to message them but, I was tired and done. I realised I won't be a better person if i stayed their friends. I was also hoping they'd message me about it. But they didn't. All they did was shit talk me. They shit talked my appearance, talked about my secrets and then talked badly about my partner. I've been through a lot of abusive relationships before, they know this, and my current partner is the best person I could ever ask for. I love her dearly. It angered me when I heard what they said about her, but I still didn't contact them. I only know this from my close friend (she lives with one for uni). I decided earlier this week to cut complete contact. I felt so free, yet my self esteem is so shit. I can't look at myself without judging every aspect of me, I can't properly care for myself (eating, bathing, etc) and I'm starting to believe I did the wrong thing.
I know I haven't done the wrong thing, I know I probably should of sorted this out with them, but I was so exhausted from them. I feel as though my seasonal depression and this current thing is just making me at my lowest. I want to make more friends, but I don't have much anymore. I'm scared to connect with others, I'm scared they'll judge me. The thing is, I don't even really know who I am truly. I just hate feeling so alone when I'm surrounded by people, I feel so lonely by cutting people out of my life. I feel like I deserve bad things to happen, a norm to be in an abusive relationship and not a healthy one. My partner assures me she'll never leave me, and it makes me tear up thinking that. But I just can't believe it. I feel like a horrible person, but I truly want to be better. I've moved away, that has helped so much, I'm undertaking a course for my dream career, I have an amazing partner, yet I feel so lonely. I know these feelings will eventually pass, but they are eating away at me so much. I have an assignment due in 2 days, but I spent the entire day crying and having breakdowns. I just want to form more connections with people, but its so hard to communicate and I'm so fucking scared.
Sorry this was long and it derailed, I just have no one to talk to and I know I need help.
